Advice needed for asking my husband to leave

[driveninsanebythehubby]

Hi,

I'm very much a lurker on mumsnet usually - but I need some advice and I think that there are people on here who are really good at helping others, so I hope you can help me please.

I have been married to my husband for just shy of 11 years (3 weeks off my anniversary). We have been together for 15 years in total. We have 3 children (9,7 and 3). In that time I have been unhappy for the majority of it. I should never have married him, but I was too afraid not to go through with the wedding and how it would look, so I went ahead thinking that things would get better.

I first asked him for a separation when our 2nd son was 6 months old. At the time he told me that he wouldn't try to take the children away from me, but wanted us to try and work things out, so I agreed to stay and things did improve for a while.

Things slowly got worse again, and I was miserable. Our sex life became vitually non-existant. I don't love him anymore and am not attracted to him so I couldn't face the thought of having sex with him. However there was one evening where I had had a few drinks and a promise of a lie-in in the morning and we did...... a few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with our third (I was on the pill so a massive shock). I was in turmoil - I really wanted to leave, but just didn't feel able to with how things were.

So I stayed. We sold my car as things were bad financially and we worked at the same place. I felt like I was losing more and more of "me". When my youngest was coming up to his first birthday, my husband found some paperwork I had gotten after visiting the CAB to get financial advice if I were to leave. He told me he thought that I had PND still from our second son (I had that back then, was treated for it and got better - I knew I wasn't depressed at this point in time). We had rows, but in the end I just didn't have the emotional strength to go through with it.

Since then we haven't had sex at all. Most days we argue. He calls me all sorts of awful names (in front of the kids too). He makes me feel worthless. He is awful with the children - he is a really bad dad and the older boys are starting to hate him. So for all of our sakes I know I need to leave.

I have everything worked out - I have the tax credits forms ready as I will need them to help financially. I want things to remain amicable as I genuinely want his relationship with the kids to improve. I have worked out a plan to sell the house, and make him an offer that if I can have the full equity I will pay off all of our debts, let him have the car, let him have pretty much anything he wants possessions wise from the house (the only exceptions being most of the children's things, my personal belongings and I would hope that he would leave me my wardrobe/chest of drawers as he wouldn't have a need for these and one of the sofas for me and the children to have somewhere to sit) and agree that he won't have to pay me ANY maintenance for the kids ever which would mean he is in a better position to be able to afford to have them for visitation and actually do stuff with them. If/When it happens, I have found the most wonderful new build house that I could afford and would be perfect for me and the boys. It is smaller than our current house, but I could see us being so happy there together. I have found a car that I want to buy as well - I would need to get a loan for this, but it would be affordable. In my head I have even started decorating the new house and I have wishlist items saved on Amazon and Argos!!!! I have a file created that I keep on adding things to as I think about them - practical steps for what to do etc.

So I have it all worked out - but then I get to the problem. I can't actually do it. I KNOW I don't want to stay. My eldest and I have discussed things because I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision for the kids and he has been asking every day if the tax credits form has arrived yet. Yesterday I summoned the courage to tell him that we needed to talk when we got a chance, without the kids around to interrupt us, etc. He asked what about and so I told him about us and the fact that it is very clear neither one of us are happy. He told me that I know he'd do anything to keep me (just a shame for him that his actions speak a lot louder than his words) and then he nastily said that he knew I'd wait until I was recovered from my operation before bringing this all up again.

I gave him a couple of minutes to calm down and I explained that I was bringing it up now because I had waited to see if having had the operation and feeling better from that might improve things for me. Anyway - he left the house to go to his allotment and later on phoned and acted all nice and happy suggesting he come home early and we actually do something with the kids. When he got home later he was trying hard to be happy and helpful, doing jobs and talking about things that needed to be done.

I thought we would talk last night but he didn't even mention it once the kids were in bed and we had a chance and I didn't want to try and start it again at that point.

I'm a little scared of how he is going to react - what if he hurts me or the kids when he realises I mean it this time? What if he doesn't react as well as I am expecting/hoping him to? What if he won't leave? He can't afford to continue living here and paying the mortgage etc but I will be able to short term with the working tax credits and things. He has such a temper and I am afraid of him. Plus there's the whole practical side of things to work out - like if he takes the car how do I get the kids to school, etc, how do I get to work?

If anyone could advise how to actually have this conversation, how to ask him to leave the house, etc I would really, really appreciate it. If I were going to leave with the kids it would be so much easier - I could just pack our bags and we could go. But we just haven't got anywhere to go.

Thank you for reading such a long post.

[cannotseeanend]

I think you need to put yourself in your husband's place. You are unhappy, and you want to ask him to leave and not you leave. Just turn it around and then perhaps you might be able to work out what to say a bit better.

[driveninsanebythehubby]

The real difficulty is that he's a controlling bully. I am scared of how he will react to me seriously asking for a divorce. He knows that by him ignoring the tough stuff I just put my head down and do whatever HE wants.

It's hard to put myself in his place because he's like Jekyll and Hyde with his personality and God help me if I encounter the wrong one.

[JontyDoggle37]

I think you need to make sure the kids are out of the house when you have the conversation. Then you need to make sure a close family member knows the day and time you are going to have the conversation, and either have them waiting outside the house to check on you, or agree you will phone them at a certain time after the conversation to confirm your safety. This is just my immediate view - perhaps you should speak to Women's Aid and ask them, as the help lots of women leave potentially violent situations?

[namechange2015]

well done you for getting things sorted with the money folder and so on.could you have someone with you when you tell him? Could you email him at work so he has time to digest it & say you will pack some things for him to pick up? what a horrible situation, keep talking we are here with you

[namechange2015]

Yes to women's aid. Or even the police? Sounds ott but I've heard of women warning the police something may kick off with their husband

[namechange2015]

I'm sure someone with experience will be along to help soon?