Think I need to make contact more official. I have questions.

[DevonFolk]

XH lives 200+ miles away from me and DD. Since he moved about a year ago contact has been sporadic; either when I visit my family who live in the area or when he comes down to visit her here. He has form for messing us both about and I feel like yesterday was the final straw when he cut short his (already minimal) time with DD despite her asking him to stay.

My first question is this: are there only two types of arrangement? i.e. mutual agreement between ourselves vs a court order, or is there some middle ground that will give more flexibility with arrangements but one that will make him actually give her the time he said he would?

Secondly, if we end up having to go to court, how much say do I get in terms of how often she goes to him and for how long?

Thirdly: I've been trying to protect her from having to do too much to-ing and fro-ing up and down the motorway because I know she hates long journeys. Now I want to make this more formal I know I'm going to have to just bite the bullet and say she needs to stay with him for two nights every 3-4 weeks. I don't think it's worth driving all that way for just one night. She'd end up being there less than 24 hours before having to turn around and come back again. When I've spoken to him about her going to him for weekends I've suggested meeting halfway on the Friday after school. He's adamant that he can't finish work at lunchtime in order to do this. He's self-employed but contracted to a company longterm so has an element of flexibility with his hours. I know he's had days off recently, once because he was hungover so just didn't bother going to work. Just getting to the question: AIBU in asking him to take half a day off every 3-4 weeks so that he can have a decent weekend with DD?

Sorry if this is a bit garbled. I'd be really grateful if anyone can give any advice. DD is about to be 5 btw.

You can ask him to have her more but you can't force him to take her. I would imagine being 200 miles away from each other makes it a bit of a nightmare for everyone involved.

Sorry pressed button too soon. Even if you go to court and they say he should have her x amount of time it doesn't mean that will happen, he can still please himself - it's a family court who makes these orders not a criminal court so there are no real consequences for him if he doesn't do what they say.

So going to court is essentially pointless?

Flexibility, putting up with the uncertainty and making contingency plans may well be the least disruptive although the middle way is to negotiate, compromise and agree a written parenting plan. Parenting plans aren't binding but there is evidence that parents are more satisfied with arrangements agreed between themselves and more likely to adhere to the terms of an agreement rather than a court order. If the agreement is written down there is less room for misunderstandings.

If you go to court the courts expect parents to have tried to resolve their differences first - see "What the Family Courts Expect from Parents" available from the Ministry of Justice website. Court orders arent very flexible. They stipulate when children are to be made available for contact and can be enforced for the benefit of children. When someone doesn't take up the contact the difficulty is children aren't deemed to benefit from contact when then parent doesn't want or can't care for them. When neither parent wants or can't care for their children they go into care.

In most cases the applicant to court proceedings has to at least arrange a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting to find out about mediation and whether it is appropriate in the circumstances. Even when mediation doesn't work or isn't appropriate under the new Child Arrangement Programme parents are encouraged to make their own agreement. IF no agreement can be reached both parties have the opportunity to have their say but often if the court imposes an order neither parent is satisfied. That tends to lead to resentment and resistance making it even more difficult (if not impossible) for parents to work together which tends to have the worst negative impact on children.

One possible solution for travel would be for you to take your daughter on Fridays and your ex do the return trip. Another alternative when parents live a distance apart is to reduce the frequency and extend the time say for a few days every 6 weeks or so over half terms and school holidays.

Thank you STIDW that's really helpful. I've downloaded the cafcass parenting plan which I think looks quite useful as a starting point.

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