Ex is abusing system.

[icarus7]

Hi,
I am having a tough time with my ex partner.
We have 3 daughters none of which were expected by myself.

Our relationship deteriorated as soon as my ex revealed that she was pregnant after 3 months of meeting each other as I felt that she had been deceitful in not revealing that she was trying to get pregnant.

Despite this I wanted to be part of my child to bes life and to be the best parent that I could. I decided to buy a house with my ex and we got a joint mortgage together. We bought a place in my exs home town as I felt that she would need the support of her friends/family.

My ex proved to be very domineering and unreasonable, quite different to the person that I had shared evenings with for the 3 months before she fell pregnant.

Over time my things have gradually disappeared out of the home until you would not even know that I lived there.

She has installed spy software on the computer and has all of my passwords for all of my digital stuff despite there never being any evidence or accusations of wrong doing.

I never really felt that the house was jointly mine, I have always felt like an unfortunate side effect of my ex`s buying a property in the only way that she was able to on her income.

Our relationship has never got any better, which is unfortunate but probably obvious if I had not been so naive.

It has been 8 years since we met and my life has been difficult, I work full time and devote any spare time that I have to my children when allowed to.

My ex claims that I have not payed half of the mortgage in an attempt to claim more of the equity in our home despite the fact that she has only worked part time for all these years.

She claims that I am emotionally abusive and bad mouths me to all of her friends and family. She has had issues in the past such as eating disorders and a quite horrible bereavement and it seems that her support network still see her as this poor unfortunate child and believe everything that she says.

I have left the property on 3 seperate occasions to live back with my parents, it got to the stage that I started to believe that my children would be better off living apart from me even though it was obvious that my ex was at the core of all of the bad feeling in our home, she has a very quick temper and emotional issues.

Recently she obtained a restraining order against me for both her and the children and applied for an occupation order.

She had fabricated an assault in her statement to enable her to claim legal aid.

I defended myself in court and the restraining orders against the children were dismissed, there were not even and claims of miss conduct by myself towards the children in her statement.

The occupation order and restraining order against my ex have been adjourned as I made undertakings to the court not to go to our home for 12 months in light of the fact that she was pregnant and I thought it may be for the best. If I break this promise it will go back to court.

I provided these undertakings with my statement before the hearing, it was not forced onto me.

I am now back at my parents and my ex is now not letting me see the girls, the last time that I was there my youngest stood in front of the door to stop me leaving and I had to physically move her to be able to leave.

Why are some people so jealous and selfish that they are able to put their own spite before the wants, needs and rights of their own children?

What is the best thing that I can do to stop her completely controlling and spoiling the lives of all around her?

I do feel sorry for her and the issues that she has had but she is an adult and a parent now, she need to accept responsibility for her own choices and actions and stop feeling sorry for herself.

It is sooo difficult for a male parent to get any help or support with family problems, when I went to citizens advice before the court hearing they literally told me:
"I am very sorry but it looks like you are going to be fed to the wolves!"

I understand why the system in this country has become what it is but it seems to me that the system is outdated, sexist and in need of a serious overhaul!?

Ignoring the rights and needs of some children because we are dealing with the majority where the father is at fault is simply not good enough.

Tentacle and 14, ok I give up arguing my point, as you say, it is of little consequence now although I think you may have missed my post back on page 1.

The non molestation and occupation orders were adjourned with power to reissue if I break my promise to not enter the home without written permission, my undertakings.

The non-mol against the kids was dismissed.

The solicitor was arguing that the judge could not accept undertakings as there was an allegation of physical abuse/assualt. (complete fabrication)

The judge was talking to the solicitor for a long time in a separate room before coming back with the official undertakings form.

My ex got a non mol order instantly as, apparently, there was high risk of my violence in retaliation of being taken to court.

Within an hour of this order being served on me my ex turned up and let herself into the property which I recorded.

Surely this is contempt of court of something to have this order granted and then put herself in the position that the order is supposed to protect her from?

Does the previous court appearance mean that I do not need to go to mediation?

I know that a court will expect you to try this first in most instances?

There is a chance that mediation may work, my ex is advised by her sister who is a social worker. She may want to look good to the authorities.

My ex did apply for mediation in the past but the chosen mediator charged £200 each per session. That cannot be normal can it?!

Please stop with the self pity, you have 3 children to consider now.
Right firstly get yourself a decent lawyer. Your going to need one by the sounds of it
Have you approached CAB? They might be able to refer you to other organisations who will be able to help you.
If you haven't started already, keep a log book of when your ex contacts you with details of convo, dates, times and if she changes them. This may become useful when you get to court.
You might want to move this post over to relationships/legal matters/dadsnet it may get more traffic.

I think you might need to move this to Legal too, it's all a bit convoluted.

If there's some sort of order in place then I would suggest that there has been some sort of back story which you are not telling us. You do seem rather mired in the past and I wonder whether you are over invested in the idea of "fair" for you, rather than concentrating on the children and the future. There is no room for a tit for tat mentality here.

What happened to you may or may not been "fair" but given the situation in most divorces, there are many wronged parties and "fair" for the adults is, rightly, made secondary to the rights of the children.

I cannot imagine that your children are oblivious to the level of vitriol you and your partner seem to have for each other.

"I risk forcing the child into a life without a father which comes with all sorts of negative repercussions."

So single women shouldn't be allowed to have DCs? What about lesbians? What about a woman whose husband dies when she is pregnant- should she have an abortion?

Some men make decent fathers but a hell of a lot don't.

Plenty of DCs have a great life in these 'fatherless' families.

With attitudes like this no wonder your ex is an ex.

"If there's some sort of order in place then I would suggest that there has been some sort of back story which you are not telling us."

Not necessarily. Non mol cases can be resolved by undertakings (promises) not to molest or harass. That doesn't mean there was any wrong doing, rather the person is promising to do something they wouldnt do any way.

It really is best to detach the reasons for the end of the relationship from the finances and arrangements for children. Each of them is treated separately under different bits of legislation and it helps to detach the emotions and focus on problem solving separately.

People often behave unreasonably because their illusions about a relationship are shattered and replaced with delusion. There is some evidence those who attend relationship counselling come to a more realistic view over time and a relationship counsellor can support mums or dads emotionally or help separating couples separate with dignity. Otherwise over time any delusions may be treated as though they are true and difficult to modify.

Anger can be a secondary emotion to more primary feelings of hurt, fear and uncertainty. Separating parent can be so emotionally involved in the breakdown of the relationship that they aren't emotionally available for anything else. That is particularly so if one party left the relationship in a callous and unfeeling way. Perceptions are very different so there can be two versions of the same "truth." Unfortunately that is just human nature. It's like two people reading a book and interpreting it differently.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together or at least not against each other. Parents (either gender/role) often struggle with contact and it can take a couple of years for the chaos to settle and to establish a pattern of contact. Going to court tends to leave parents feeling resentful and resistant and that makes working together difficult or impossible. To that end it is worth trying mediation initially. A good mediator may be able to defuse the situation and then the couple help improve communication so problems now and in the future can be resolved constructively to meet the needs of children. In any event there is now a legal requirement in most circumstances that an applicant to court proceedings attends a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting to find out about mediation and whether it is appropriate in their particular case.

Mediation may be deemed inappropriate because of the non molestation order although some mediators will "shuttle" and mediate between two rooms. IF mediation isn't appropriate or negotiating with the help of a mediator or through solicitors doesn't work there may be no alternative other than to apply to court for a child arrangement order. The new Child Arrangement Programme sets out the process for dealing with applications for child arrangements orders to determine living/contact arrangements and it is designed to help parents reach an agreement, where possible without a court order. Try googling Child Arrangement Programme and "What the Family Court Expects of Parents. "

The court system isn't perfect by any means and sometimes there are mistakes. However the law doesn't discriminate and both parents have equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means important decisions such as where children live and when they have contact need to be agreed. IF no agreement can be reached either party can apply to court for a judicial decision. The court is then directed to give regard to the welfare checklist in s1 Children Act 1989 and the the welfare of children is paramount. Other factors include the views of children according to their age and understanding, the family back ground and the likely effects of any change on the children.

Obviously when parents separate routines need to change but children need many of their routines to remain the same so it is an uphill struggle changing an established pattern of childcare. From a legal POV equality is treating people in the same position in the same way. Fathers are at a disadvantage because of working practices in the Uk. Most fathers with dependent children work in inflexible full time jobs and fathers work longer hours than any other group of men. The position for the majority of women with dependent children is different and they don't work or work in lower paid and/or flexible jobs to fit around child care commitments. See;

www.dad.info/work/worklife-balance/can-you-share-work-and-kids-in-the-uk

Having said that there is well established case law that it is usually in the best interests of children of separated parents to develop and maintain meaningful relationships with both natural parents. Children who are insecure about their identity and natural parents tend to grow up with low self esteem which leads to emotional and behavioural problems in later life such as dysfunctional relationships in adulthood. SO it is quite rare for the courts to make orders for no contact.

The problem is courts cannot always sort out all the difficulties if one or other, or both parents are being very unreasonable. Sometimes contact breaks down because mum is being unreasonable and other times fathers don't help themselves because they appear aggressive and demanding in court, particularly if they have been fired up by some of the fathers' rights propaganda. Either parent can be abusive and entitled and may try to use the courts as a means of controlling their ex. Children can be estranged from a parent because they have witnessed outbursts of temper or the parent may be unnecessarily restrictive or preoccupied. In a fair number of court cases fathers just give up.

Enforcement can be problematic because both parents may be implicated in the difficulties and measures such as fines, committal to prison or community service may be counter productive. Children of separated families often do badly because their family doesn't have enough money or they may resent a parent who in their eyes was responsible for sending the other much loved parent to prison or for community service. There is then the option to change the living arrangements, but that may be inappropriate if the other parent can't care for the child most of the time or the child hasn't had regular contact and isn't really comfortable living with the other parent.

Thank you for the detailed reply, you have given me a few things to think about.

With regard to the non mol order, my ex is now contacting me requesting me to go on holiday with her and the girls.

I am not sure if this is a token gesture so that she can tell them that it was me who did not want to go but the proposal seems completely ridiculous to me considering the court case and state of our relationship.

I have already missed their first holiday abroad and a trip to Euro Disney. At the time I was living at my parents and trying to save in the hope of finding a one bed flat or something.

I am not sure if I could afford to pay for one in all honesty.

I agreed to go on the last holiday as I did not want to miss out again or become more alienated from my children but I feel that I am being blackmailed.

Would I be allowed the same rights to take the children on holiday as my ex?

I don`t understand how she can act as if nothing has happened after terfing me out of the family home.

I really need to get the ball rolling with mediation or a court order because at the minute I feel like I am being controlled and manipulated, her sister works for social services and gives her advice on family matters, at times I feel as if I am blindly stumbling from one trap into another... (feeling sorry for myself again but I am so frustrated.)

After digesting the highlighted links It does seem that I need to bite the bullet and schedule a MIAM meeting. I fully expect this to lead to short term repercussions but things can not get very much worse.

Thanks for your help.

I would keep all contact with your ex to a minimum and only regarding access.
I would pay the maintenance through the CSa and make it official no more dropping it off etc. I would also pay the mortgage direct.
It seems to me you need to remove yourself emotionally for the time being until something regular is sorted and take the above advice and get a good solicitor.

Don't even reply to the holiday suggestion

Okay, I guess you came on here to get some support, regardless of how the children were conceived they are here and you sound like you are dealing with a lot of stress and feel like you are going round in circles.
I can't offer you any advice as I am new to all this as my husband has just left me with two children, I hope I am able to put aside my feelings and do whats best for our children and I am sure you wish your ex did the same.
All I can say is just keep going with it, you will get somewhere in the end.
Take care.