Family days with an ex , would you ?!

[Bambino1234]

I am recently seperated from my partner and childrens father.

It has been a roller coaster of three months and it is only the last few weeks I feel as though I am getting a grip on life after it turned out there was another woman involved.

Anyway my partner has not been easy to deal with his mood would change from I will do anything to I don't owe you anything, I will see the kids on my terms blah blah and we have both found it difficult to co parent without sniping, that is until I decided to step back and enjoy my life rather than worrying about his because if he's going to do it he's going to do it anyway.

The last few weeks have been odd he has been far more easy going towards me even bringing me some of my favourite food back from a trip with the children last week, they are too small for it to have been their idea and this week he asked me to spend the bank holiday with them for lunch and a trip to a petting zoo, I declined but am now wondering what the point of this all is ?! Does he actually want to spend the day together or is this another way of stopping me moving on , just in case he does decide he might like his family back.

No - bad idea I think. Won't help you move on, gives him the opportunity to keep you on the back burner and also if he has mood changes - why should you be managing that when you are not together? Disengaging is the only way.

Thank you cherryapple1 I thought better of going, a few weeks ago I would have gone like a shot but I just feel I don't want to be that person anymore.
The mother of his children shouldn't be second best to his other woman

Exactly - you deserve so much more than a few crumbs. It isn't your job to make it all ok when he snaps his fingers.

Just keep detaching.

God no I wouldn't do this. Why would you? Confusing for the kids and doesn't help you either.

thewhiteroad - I didn't go in declined politely and said I was busy - I would much rather he spent his time enjoying the children than trying to keep me on side.

Well done you.

When we separated we had days out together, my ex husband often came round for meals and we all had Christmas together. That just stopped a couple of years ago when our youngest was 25!

We were determined to act as adults and put the feelings of the children first. Children learn by example. If communication between separated parents is distorted they can't reconcile their differences so the children tend to grow up with low self esteem and not being able to communicate well in their adulthood relationships which become dysfunctional. Our children weren't at all confused, and the advantage is both parents can be at celebrations such as big birthdays and graduations without anyone feeling as though they need to tread as if on eggshells.

IT was difficult the first two or three years but if you start how you mean to carry on it gets a easier with the passing of time.

STIDW "We were determined to act as adults and put the feelings of the children first."

... so were we. In our case (twins aged 3 at separation) I would say the children did find it massively confusing. The more time we spent together, the more they started asking me if Daddy could move back in, etc. That's not to say that it wouldn't have improved over time, but as luck would have it as we near the final hurdles in our divorce, relations have soured anyway. I don't think you need to have family days out to 'act as adults and put the feelings of the children first'. You can do that whilst also having firm boundaries in terms of time spent separately.