separating, not married, joint house ownership, one child, what's fair?

[Meanderer]

I'd value people's opinions on this:

My ExDP and I are separating after 9 years - we have a child at primary school.
I think we are 'tenants in common' re our house which has a small joint mortgage and a significant amount of equity. When we bought, 2/3 of the deposit came from me, 1/3 from my partner.

At the time we got together we both had good and roughly equal salaries, although I worked part time while our child was in primary school (including now) and also voluntarily left a well paid job to retrain (while at college I still contributed from savings to household account, but a smaller amount than before) and am now on a much lower income and contribute less than half what he does on a monthly basis.

We plan to share her care sort of 50/50 (in terms of nights spent with each of us) although for the forseeable future I expect to continue to collect her from school every day and/or be there when she comes home, and of course will be doing most of the 'admin' that goes with that (communicating with school, arranging playdates, sorting out cards and presents for birthday parties, making sure she has her PE kit, etc). As we will share care of our child I don't expect maintenance for myself or our daughter because my Ex will also be looking after her 50% of the nights. I will perhaps ask him to provide for expensive items (shoes, coats, extra curricular activities). I don't know whether I should ask for something because of the 'after school care'?

When we sell our home I would like my initial deposit back and 50% of the additional equity we've earned. I will not be able to pay a mortgage as my income is currently too low. Therefore I'm hoping to buy a place outright. It will be small and probably away from my daughter's current friends sadly, but near enough to stay at her school. I think my partner would be able to get a mortgage which with his smaller equity could buy him something similar. We both plan to stay in the neighbourhood or as close as possible.

We also have a car which his parents bought us, I tend to think that it's his because of that, it was very generous of them, and he continues to let me use it at the moment while we're still in the same house - I'm hoping we can continue to 'share' it for longer journeys and i'll maybe get a small cheap runaround for local journeys - but maybe this is a bad idea, eg if it needed repairs and i couldn't afford to pay half. Would it be fair to expect him to cover all the costs of the car if I only use it for transporting our daughter?

Does this sound reasonable for both of us?

sorry it's long but it's just so hard to work out what's fair and i'm interested in people's genuine independent opinions (ie not what my mum/friends/his friends/solicitors/his parents might say)

It all sounds excellent and completely devoid of the usual emotional upset that goes with separation . . If your ex feels the same..then good on you!

as long as you both agree then solicitors should sign off however as technically you are common law man and wife having lived together over 2 years etc then you may find that his solicitor will argue that deposits on the house became common family money when they were out down on joint house and as such you may find that the full equity is split 50/50 or possibly 60/40 in your favour as you won't be able to secure a mortgage.

why not aim for something similar to what you would get if you were married?
i am particularly struck by how he will apparently be doing 50% but you will be actually collecting from school ie acting as unpaid childminder whilst presumably only working part time yourself. dont be taken for granted.

wheresthelight - there's no such thing as 'common law man or wife'. Urban myth I'm afraid (in the UK at least).

OP - I think you sound like you're both behaving really reasonably!

thanks people - yes 'common law' husband / wife doesn't exist. Being either 'joint tenants' or 'tenants in common' makes a difference re house ownership apparently.

I agree with sanfairyanne, you can aim for something a little bit better. The fact that you were not married makes very little difference as you were in a long term relationship, where you both contributed and you have a child. You might be able to get a 70/30 split or more! Considering you put in (I assume) a large deposit and due to your partner being able to work full time he is able to get a mortgage without a huge deposit. This would also be reasonable as you are only working part time yet are agreeing to forgo any sort of spousal maintenance from him (I don't know what this is called when you are not married) you are definitely entitled to some child maintenance though it will be reduced in consideration that you are doing this on a 50/50 care basis. The court would see it that you need to have reasonable funds to rehome yourself and a suitable place for your child to live. I think considering you have agreed to work part time in order to be there for your child after school you should be able to get some consideration/compensation for this as you unable to work full time! A court will likely see it this way too. You are being very fair and this is a good thing but I wouldn't leave yourself short here, it is your future you need to look after and it is a fact that men fair better in divorce in the long run than single mothers so don't feel bad and do what is right, fair and practical for your future.

If you can afford it speak with a lawyer before your mediation sessions too! Though don't let them rack up your bills be clear about what work you want them to do, for instance you don't need write ups of what you have discussed etc. Come prepared with all the questions you need answered/forms etc. Don't let them draw you into lots of things to do with disclosure etc. Tell them you want paperwork kept to an absolute minimum If you trust your ex and know his financial disclosure and really do only need advice on what you have already worked out make that clear! It might be helpful if you both fill out a form E so that you can bring these along to a solicitor at your first session, saving time, money etc.

Good Luck!

With regards to after school care will you be giving your daughter dinner? paying for the petrol to pick her up? If so you would be entitled to some more maintenance.

You are doing the right thing keeping this amicable and fair but you need to assert your realistic needs too. It is very hard as you don't want to rock the boat but in the long run with you not being able to work full time you will need extra help. Find a middle ground where you can still be fair to your ex but look after your own interests too and make sure your basic needs are met as comfortably as possible.