Talking to my kids when they're at their dads

[redberry78]

I feel like I need some outsider insight into a situation that arose this week. from people that don't know me and can be objective. Sorry if this is a little long to explain.

Short background - I've been separated/divorced from my ex-husband for a year, it was his decision to leave and he very quickly got together with someone else (or it happened before we split, all a bit vague) who he has recently bought a house with. Our sons (3 & 5) stay with him every other weekend and two week nights.

I don't always call them when they're at their dad's partly because they are only ever away from me for 2 nights in a row, partly because I feel like I'm intruding into my ex's life, which he very obviously doesn't want me a part of.

This week I really wanted to give them a quick call to say goodnight, I love you, etc. I'd had to leave the little one crying at nursery in the morning and just wanted him to know I love him. I texted ex around 6 and asked if I could call them before bedtime. He said he'd see how it goes, then he texted me later saying it wasn't going to work to speak to them. I was very upset and asked him why, it would have taken 2 mins. He eventually replied saying he had a friend over so his girlfriend was reading the kids a story and putting them to bed so it wasn't 'suitable' for me to talk to them because they need to have a good relationship with their step-mum. For me this was a massive blow, missing my kids (who I never chose to be away from half of the week) and being told they are cuddling up with another woman being read a bedtime story. Also being told it's not suitable by a man who, until we split, hardly did anything with the kids, hardly ever came home in time to put them to bed, etc.

I got very angry, and he said that I was only thinking about myself and not the kids. I hold my hands up a little there, I did want to hear their voices and reassure myself that they know I love them.

So should I just have accepted not being able to speak to them if he didn't think it was right? Should I have felt the pain but bit my tongue because it's not about what I want (not that the kids actually got a choice)? Or do I have the right to speak to my kids when I want to (as long as it's at a reasonable time, etc) as their mum and their primary carer for most of the past 5 years?

Thanks for your thoughts ....

Does he call when they are with you?

Don't ask next time, just ring. When my ex rings I simply put the kids on. There's no need for me to speak with him. This works well.

I don't understand his argument to be honest. You are the DCs mum and they are very young. Undermining the girlfriend is an invalid argument. You are their mum, a quick couple of minutes saying goodnight is of benefit to your children.

Oh op that sounds horrible, no wonder you're upset. It doesn't sound at all unreasonableto me, you ex sounds like a absorbed prig but I'm not sure there's much you can do.
I think the whole concept of step mum is odd in these kind of situations , like someone can suddenly fill that role because the father has a sexual relationship with them. To your DC she's just a friend of their fathers who he wants to read them stories and put them to bed - - because he can't be arsed-- she doesn't even come close to you.

No he doesn't call them unless we are away for a while or its a special occasion (Christmas, etc)

Hmmm I don't know then. Maybe he doesn't do it because he would feel it's an intrusion on their time with you and vice versa. Fwiw I don't let my DD speak to anyone on the phone around bedtime as she usually gets a bit teary and wants to see them. The 5 min phone call isn't worth the unsettlement that it causes.

Also as a side note I wouldn't be getting my dd out of bed to speak on the phone when she was already settled and getting a story. It maybe wasn't done by him to be mean.

He definitely doesn't do because he worries it would be an intrusion, that's not his style, I simply think he doesn't feel the need. But I totally get your point about not wanting to unsettle them before bedtime, which is why I don't always do it. In this instance I did ask a good two hours before their bedtime, so he could try to fit it in. But yes, good point

Well in that case it sounds like he's just being a bit of a knob!

think he's trying to get a reaction from you tbh. my ex was like this years ago, calling step mum 'mummy' to a then 3 yr old etc. One thing you learn is its really not worth the battles or the anguish. Mine is now 13, has his own mobile and texts me when he wants. I never did get to speak to him at any time he was withhis dad. They're away such a short space of time in reality, don't let him bait you, smile and wave and know that a couple of days without talking to you at this age isn't going to cause them harm or your relationship with them any harm.

I don't think you should do it if it's going to cause problems.

Honestly some things just are t worth the aggro and emotional energy.

Oh no - that would make me feel sad too. I'm watching with interest as I have two children around the same age and H and I are holding on to the last threads of our relationship so I can see myself in the same position as you are now in a year down the line.

My H also rarely comes home to help with bedtime now.

I've pretty much stopped talking to my children just before bedtime when they're with their dad because I do think it unsettles them. Unfortunately I think in this case he's not being clearly unreasonable. If you're dealing with an awkward tosser like I am then you soon learn not to ask anything that gives them the gratification of saying 'no' and claiming that they're doing it 'for the sake of the children'.

I feel for you, I know just how that feels when you just want to hear their voices. Hope you're feeling better now. X

My ex-H sounds like yours. Absent from the kids when we were married but now he's bloody father of the year! However we do daily calls with the children when we're not with them. But around dinner time, not bedtime. This arrangement has had its issues too but now we just put the kids on and don't speak to one another. I think it's important for the children to speak to their mother every day, especially when they are young.

Thanks so much for all this valuable feedback and for making me realize my feeling aren't totally nuts! Really good to hear how others deal with the calling thing too.

It is a difficult one because you wanted to speak to them because you felt bad because you had to leave one in tears and as a mom I feel that pain. Experience has taught me that despite me spending a lot of time agonising over morning stress and all that before school, hassle, arguments and tears whilst I have gone to work, when I have then spoken to DS about it later most of the time he has just given me that look of what is she going on about now. It hurts you far more than it hurts them.

As a SM who has been an observer of calls from mom, this can be very upsetting for everyone concerned. When mom used to call and speak to DSD she would start crying instantly, we would have to force the phone to her and she would not talk properly. Mom would then get upset and want to know what was wrong with her and get more upset because clearly her DD was traumatised and missing her when in actual fact it was as if DSD could pick up on her moms sadness and felt guilty for not being there.

Now kids are older mom will text asking them if they are ok or they want to go home and sometimes they answer her and sometimes they ignore her. Mom knows that at least they kow she is thinking of them even if they don't respond.

I think your ex has been a knob in his complete lack sensitivity and is actually using his gf as an excuse anyway for his own obstruction. If he feels it would have unsettled the DC he should have just said and reassured you they were ok and happy and settled at the very least. I would have killed DH if he had used me as a reason that his ex could not speak to her own DC.