Me and my 1st unborn child deserve better

[BeanieRoo]

I'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant with my 1st child. I've been married to my husband for nearly 3 years but he has serious please daddy issues and is a computer game addict.
Although his job deals with making cables safe we have cables stretched across our front room and I'm constantly having to cautiously navigate my way around them. I've asked him repeatedly to make them safe so that I'm not in danger of tripping over them. The other day a new computer accessory that belongs to his dad was brought into our sitting room and I tripped over the cable whilst serving him dinner. He went mental shouting at me asking if I was going to apologise! I said I had nothing to apologise for and that it was him that should be saying sorry and seeing if I was ok. He then unleashed a torrent of really hurtful abuse including calling me 'a fucking ignorant stupid blind cunt' all because I tripped over his new precious game cable. When I could take no more and wanted him to stop insulting me I punched him in the shoulder and quick as a flash he punched me back. I'm carrying his child. I packed a bag and moved into my mums house and have been waiting for an apology ever since. That was 5 days ago and nothing. I'm so so hurt and angry I don't know what to do. How can I stay with a manchild who prioritises his game cables over the wellbeing of his wife and baby? Please help!

Sounds like you are best apart. No child needs to come into a house of physical violence and arguing.

sorry but you are both as bad as each other. he shouldn't have shouted but you should not have punched him.

you are clearly better off apart. I feel sorry for your child

You can't stay with him. This is an abusive relationship and you would be very wrong to continue with it with a baby on the way.
Not to mention that having a baby with such a man child dick is no picnic disregarding the abuse.

Waiting for an apology? Why? Don't get back together. You shouldn't of hit him but he should not have hit you especially as pregnant.

He's awful and he's bringing out the worst of you, too, so take this opportunity with both hands and separate yourself from him. Did you not see what he was like until now, though?

He's awful and he's bringing out the worst of you, too, so take this opportunity with both hands and separate yourself from him. Did you not see what he was like until now, though?

I don't think your relationship is going to be saved. It doesn't sound pleasant or healthy, and it doesn't sound like either of you really care enough about each other to work on building a decent marriage.

Of course, his behaviour is awful, and he sounds like a total idiot.i would feel very unconfident about raising a child and getting any real help and support. I'd also hate to live in an environment where I matter so little.

It might be time for you to start making your own plans for you and the baby.

Definitely best off apart. He sounds awful, but you were completely in the wrong as well to punch him. If you couldn't take any more, you should have walked away. What will you do if the baby is screaming for hours and you can't take many more?

Ooops sorry!

You are not as bad as each other so don't worry about any of that shit, it is perfectly understandable that sometimes victims respond to abusive behaviour in the way that you did, anyone who tries to make you feel bad for that is a twunt has never been there.

Do what is best for your baby.

I really don't mind being called a 'twunt' by someone who thinks that instigating violence is justifiable - it isn't.

As I asked on your other post, op, what do you want to do now?

I'm a twunt for pointing out that punching is not a justifiable response to being shouted at? if the op was a man would you be saying the same?

violence is NEVER the answer. as someone else has said if she had had enough walk away. what if it's the baby crying constantly and she has had enough?

This is not a situation into which any child should be brought, you have a range of choices you could make to prevent that happening, you (and possibly your dh) should have a good think about what you will do.

Are you okay OP? What do you plan to do?

Yes you are, violence is never an answer no but you don't vilify a victim when they are reaching out for help, the gender is irrelevant.

No-one's villified anyone, yet. To point out to an aggressor, that they shouldn't have punched someone is an honest response. The victim here is the baby. Instigating physical violence, particularly when pregnant is inexcusable.

it is perfectly understandable that sometimes victims respond to abusive behaviour in the way that you did

So, when a male says 'she drove me to it!', we should all say 'oh, you poor thing! That's entirely understandable!'? I think not.

Fortunately, the op has had the good sense to extricate herself from the situation but name calling people for disagreeing with violence, is all kinds of wrong.

To label someone in OP's situation as an aggressor is all kinds of wrong, and extremely damaging. There's a whole thread running on why people stay in abusive relationships... Well there's a good example. Not only is the abuser twisting it to be all the victims fault but when they reach out for help the first thing people do is start telling them how they're in the wrong. 'I feel sorry for your child'... What excellent advice, very supportive. Way to kick someone when they're down.
We all know violence is wrong, you don't collect brownie points by pointing out the obvious whilst hoisting your judgy pants and feeling all smug you've never stooped so low. I struck out at my ex before, I felt very very threatened, I was also pregnant and it was a fight or flight instinct, I couldn't flee so I fought back and hit out first in the hope it would stop him attacking me and make him back off. He instigated the violence by being physically threatening. Even in law there is such a thing as using reasonable force to defend yourself.

When I could take no more and wanted him to stop insulting me I punched him in the shoulder

This sounds very, very different to self defence, theend and as a self defence instructor, pretty well educated in appropriate self defence and the law surrounding the same, I find it ridiculous and dangerous, that you are trying to pass aggression off as such. Wanting someone to shut up is not good reason to use even reasonable force.

You used self defence because you "felt very very threatened" and quite rightly, reasonable force is usually acceptable when protecting oneself from physical harm, hence, the ops partners response is justified.

Smug? Judgy? Or maybe just not projecting

I'm erring on the side of caution as I know how damaging the feelings of blame can be for victims in abusive relationships. And the information on the OP is not enough for any one of us to make a judgement on the OP and her situation, the best we can do on the information provided IMO is offer support.

In the ops duplicate thread, she says how he's not normally violent, that she hit him because she 'saw red' and that she was shocked that he hit her back. I won't add any more in the absence of the op but I realise you have not seen the duplicate thread, theend.

I appreciate that you haven't seen this and I don't know whether it would sway your opinion but I do think it's important to be clear about when violence is and isn't appropriate. Self defence - usually. Annoyance/ Anger - no.

Despite this, for the most part people have been supportive. It is possible to be both honest and supportive simultaneously and for many of us, standing against unnecessary violence is a very important point, just as I'm sure it is for you.

Thanks for all your posts. I've not been in the best place so haven't responded til today.

To those that believe I was just as bad for hitting him in response to his verbal abuse, it would appear the law doesn't think like that. I went to see my GP as I've been so stressed and upset by the whole situation that I was concerned about the impact it was having on my baby. After explaining the whole situation to her she called me the following day saying she was obliged to contact social services as abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes. She has assured me that there is no danger of me having my baby taken off me but that if I move back in with husband then they will need to ensure that me and my baby are safe.

Below I have posted the texts that have been exchanged between myself and my husband. All of his replies have stunned me.
24.1.15 12.59 Me

I am saddened beyond belief that in the 4 days since your disgusting, abusive outburst you haven't once thought of apologising or showing concern for your wife and child.
No I should not have hit you. I was shocked and angry at your disproportionate reaction to me tripping over a hazard of your own creation. You have seen your baby on the scan and yet you think nothing of risking it's life with your cables and temper. You seem to hold me and your unborn childs lives in contempt as there has been no attempt to make the home safe and free from trip hazards for me while pregnant or indeed for when our baby comes along. When I did trip over a new cable that I was not aware of I disgustingly got shouted at and verbally abused. I was distraught that in that moment your precious cables were more important to you than the wellbeing of your wife and unborn child.
Frankly there was no excuse for it and I am concerned that with the numerous exposed cables stretched across the sitting room and your violent, irrational temper you're not providing a stable, safe environment for me and our baby.
If you're going to have such an aggressive temper over such minor issues I am sincerely worried about how you will cope with a newborn and a severe lack of sleep. You flew off the handle and launched a terrifying tirade of deeply hurtful abuse at me for tripping over a cable I'd asked you to put away so I could serve you dinner safely. When I could take no more and, regrettably, punched you to make you stop I was disgusted that you thought nothing of hitting me back when I'm carrying your child.
You need to make your cables safe and keep your temper in check, otherwise you're not trustworthy around our child.
If this is how you behave to me when I'm carrying your child, I dread to imagine how you could flip if our baby was to do something to upset you?

24.1.15 13.35 Him

I'm at hockey ull reply in time

24.1.15 18.39 Him

I cannot give a full and considered response to Ur msg at this time, and hope u'll give me till tomo to respond fully. I will say at this time that I deeply regret retaliating to Ur use of physical force and I appreciate Ur initial contact on the matter.

25.1.15 18.55 Him

I've had a,long day meeting (Financial Advisor), getting my glasses picking up my dad from airport and visiting my gma n pa. Gonna hav a curry night with my dad now, so won't replytoday.

28.1.15 16.56Him

I still don't know where to start. I'll admit that my reaction to the situation did go a little over the top, but I don't agree with Ur view on the point. Firstly I wasn't angry that u kicked the cable. I was angered already at that point because I'd been struggling with the thing for over an hour. I was upset by u when u felt u had no need to apologise. And then incensed that just because I'm a cabler I'm supposed to have all cables under the carpet even if I'm testing it. It's not my fault u tripped over the cable it was Urs for forgetting it was there. You where aware of the cables being there as Id told u that it wasn't totally safe and to tell me when u were serving, u hadn't told me u were coming in with those drinks. And the cable was there when u walked over it coming in. U forgot and tripped over it on the way out. Thats something that I'd expect u to be concerned about and worried u might hav broken something that doesn't even belong to me and apologise for it. If u hav that little respect for me and my dad and our relationship I dont see how u expect me to stay calm when u stubbornly refuse to say sorry after I calmly voiced my opinion so yeah. I'm gonna get upset. But u then think the best thing to do as a pregnant woman when having a argument is to go and physically assault the person who at that point is only verbally abusing you. That makes no sense. And if we're being concerned about the baby and it parents, would I be concerned that u can't handle the pressure of raising a kid when it won't do what u want it to with words, will u lash out.?
And as for safe home what about all the stuff u hav lying around and the general cleanliness of the place it seems rich u try play the blame and hav a look at urself card.
The way I see it when u don't look where Ur going and kick the cats u chase them and profusely apologise to mark sure they know that u didn't mean it and hope there not hurt or angry.
But with me u just swan out angry at me that u didn't mind Ur step over something that's important and expensive, bet if ud bought it for me up have been concerned. If I'd nearly broken something for Ur mum by not taking care ud be pissed and I'd accept it and say sorry but u never will. And that's what I can't stand. It's pure hiprocsy and pig headed Ness.
Then we get to the point when u walk out. It's like we never hav an argument with out u trying to walk out and threaten me with the end of the relationship, know Ur using the baby as well. Uve tried to get out of a car on the motorway before. If we're having that many differences of opinion know how will we hav a kid together without u packing it's things all the time. We're never gonna have stability in our relationship to do it without arguing and u walking out everytime. And things are getting worse not better.and I think I am getting better in my efforts towards the relationship so it's getting to much to be the one apologising for everything and being portrayed as a monster when I'm upset with how Ur behaving towards me.
As for showing concern for u and the baby I asked in my first text to u whether u had arrived at Ur mum's safely and I've asked what Ur plans are in general so that shows direct concern for u and concern for the baby as I'm asking what Ur planning on doing as a result of walking out.
I been in contact. But havnt felt I'd hav to apologise if u don't want to either. I'm at the end of my teather and wondering if us together is the best option for this baby. Especially in the short term as u keep reminding me stress is so bad for the baby. If we're never going to see eye to eye and accept eachother for our faults I struggle to see us surviving without arguing

I love you but I find it really Difficult to live by Ur standards and feel mine are ignored and suppressed and belittled.

PS. I would like to point out that I have never, ever 'kicked' either of my cats. I have accidentally tripped over one of them or caught their tail when they have run into the kitchen excitedly and got under my feet. I love them dearly as can surely be seen by his following statement that whenever I have done so I have immediately gone to them to make sure they're ok. Just wanted to make that clear.

As you say in your OP you and your child deserve better. Please don't go back to him.

Sorry you're in this situation OP. From the sounds of that message, essentially he's still trying to lay the blame at your door. He's also admitting to the verbal abuse but referring to it as 'only' verbal is worrying. Like it's not as big of a deal. If you've left, I'd stay away. There's no apology or admission of guilt there.