breastfeeding and contact with ex partner

[angryangryyoungwoman]

Hi, anyone know what the arrangements usually are? I have a 10 month old, still breastfeeding and want to continue. Ex partner is saying that it is selfish of me to say he can't have her overnight yet because of this? Does anyone know what the courts may say if it has to come to that? It's an informal arrangement at the moment, he sees her frequently, whenever he likes. I just don't feel it's in her best interests to have to stop breastfeeding because of his wants. Thanks in advance

Anyone?

Would expressing so he can feed her ebm be an option?

Your ex is failing to appreciate that contact is for her benefit, not for his. While she is still bf, it is clearly better for her to stay with you overnight. There are many other things he can do with her now, and many years ahead she can go to his overnight. You are facilitating a good relationship between them, while she is so little, that doesn't need to be an overnight relationship. Stick to your guns!

Incidentally, is having such an informal contact agreement working for you personally? You do not want to feel as if he has control over your life and movements.

As far as I am aware the courts would not rule in his favour until she is 12 months old.
Having been in a similar position my advice would be to go with your instincts, if you know that this is not the right time for you both to stop then don't.
You need to work together to find the best solution and compromise for all of you, dd's needs of course are priority. It is of course important that dd gets plenty of quality time with her father as well. Perhaps the compromise would be to express enough to allow longer one on one time together during the days, with a view to introducing overnights when she is either comfortably going through the night without needing a feed, which may not be too far away at all, or if it is in dd's best interests to introduce ff at bedtime and in the morning.
Do not let him dictate whether or not you continue to bf, but try to work with him on the rest

Also, he thinks you are being selfish for offering your dd the best form of comfort and nutrition she could ask for and he is what precisely for wishing to change it purely for his own benefit?

Thanks for the comments. Yes, I could express but I would fear nipple confusion might then affect breastfeeding, which i'd rather not risk. She loves to nurse too and I don't want to take that away from her before she is ready or risk jeopardising it.
Thanks solasum for your support. I want to stick to my guns but being told that I am being selfish made me want to examine if I am. I think an informal relationship is ideally best as I think if I was the non contact parent, I would appreciate as much contact as possible. However, I sometimes wonder if a formal arrangement would be easier. That's why I would be interested to hear if anyone has direct experience of this with their ex partner and the courts.
He also said: "you can't have it both ways " meaning not wanting to be with him and choosing to breastfeed. This is what I am really uncomfortable about and worried me about him not considering what is best for her. It feels like emotional blackmail or negative pressure of some kind anyway.

Thanks pickles, x posted there

She does go out with him for about 4 hours at a time as she does eat solids as well

You can have a lot of contact without it impacting on you, though. As long as you don't feel you come second in the priority list to see your DD, as in cancelling your own plans if he decides he wants to see her.

Ex and I didn't go through courts, but from what I can gather the normal court ordered contact is once midweek then every other weekend for older children, and for littlies little and often, but no overnights are required before about age 2

From a purely practical point of view, my now toddler has been staying one night a week at daddy's since the age of 11 months and we are still breastfeeding. However it hasn't been easy; expressing doesn't properly empty my breasts and I find abstaining for so long quite painful. On a couple of occasions I've had a bit of a fever and thought it was the onset of mastitis. So it's better if you don't have to - but if you do, it's doable.

I'm not sure that nipple confusion is a real threat at ten months. Does she drink from a cup? You could express a couple of times overnight when you start overnight contacts and she could have expressed milk or cows milk in a cup.
I don't think you need to agree to this immediately but I think it would be fair to set a timeframe, even if it's for when she's 18 months.

Nipple confusion is only supposed to be an issue for the first 4-6 weeks, however I imagine your DD breastfeeds for comfort as much as for food and she may find the change unsettling. Is your ex prepared for this? He sounds like he is looking for things to blame you for rather than trying to make reasonable arrangements.

As far as I know courts tend to accept bf as a reason to delay overnight stays until 12 months but I imagine it may depend on the court.