is my solicitor soft?

[confusedNC]

..or maybe just realistic and sensible?

My stbxh ended our marriage 2 months ago. I went to parents to recover for a few days, with our young son. H started dv immediately. He has v aggressive lawyer. He's been emotionally abusive during marriage and since we split. Very volatile, accusing me of theft and all sorts of things. He's also changed locks forcing me into rented accommodation with our child.

He's paid minimum money and I have no income till end month as just started new job.

He's now wanting 50/50 care of our son, despite him not even doing 10% during marriage.

Solicitor says cos his lawyer totally unbending I should leave them out of it as much as possible and now thinks I should go to mediation. I'm scared of being bullied into things by him there. He's good at making everyone think he's meek and mild. He's also a liar. The dv petition is for my unreasonable behaviour. It's horrible fiction.

I just feel like he's kicking me into ground.I've lost everything and now it looks like I might loose my son half time too. I want eow and night in week but my solicitor says he might get more. I just feel nobody is fighting back for me.

Is she right? Is it just better to be pragmatic? Avoid court as much as possible? I'm devestated by all this.

how old is your son?

It is unlikely if he is less than maybe 4 he would get more than every other weekend realistically of he went to court.

By leaving your solicitors out of it and acting in person yourself you force his solicitors to tone it down too there are strict guidelines about hire they have to yeast an unrepresented "opponent" that can work in your favour.

is hard though. To do it on your own.

xx

jesus! the typos!

That should say. ..

you force his solicitors to tone it down. There are strict rules on how they have to treat an unrepresented "opponent"..

you will have to do 1 session with the mediator so that they can sign a certificate for you to go to court.

Do you own the property jointly?

If you find her too soft or that she's not fighting your corner, change your solicitor immediately, there are plenty out there, get a good family solicitor that specialises in domestic abuse though.

good luck

Hey confused!

If you're not happy with your solicitor, change them but before you do anything, could this be a strategy? It's quite a good one when dealing with abusive men (remember they use their solicitors as a tool to beat you with).

My solicitor and I agreed a 'softly, softly, approach (yes, I too have been accused of theft, criminal damage and lunacy etc, etc). My STBXH decided what I would be given and under what terms.

My solicitor, ever mindful of the softly, softly approach just kept reminding him that he needed to co-operate with the process. Her letters were clear, gentle but consistent.

Behind the scenes, we were very clear it was a strategy of letting him believe what he likes, making sure that we had covered our angle, and taking him to court. It was like a slow motion car-crash when we finally took him to court.

Did she go out and kick his ass? No. Is she fighting for me? Hell yeah - but with a strategy that clearly worked for us in the first few months. Let them believe/do/say what they like. Divorce is a long, slow process: nothing is going to be sorted out in the heat of the moment.

Remember YOU are not on trial. Divorce is a split of the marital assets and making arrangements for the children. That's it. Who did what to whom, the 'truth' of his allegations, etc make no difference unless, of course, he alleges you are abusing your children.

Him changing the locks on your house, refusing to pay sufficient money to meet your children's needs - Good! (Not that that is pleasant or easy to live with) but what it does do is clearly demonstrate he cannot put the welfare needs of his children first. So really, he's going to get 50/50 is he?

Let him make every error in the book so he goes so far down the road, that when reality bites, it's a shocker. You just do the bystanding for now, until you get to court and then you show how you put the welfare needs of the children first, how it was your role in the marriage to do the bulk of the parenting. You leave him to make foundless allegations, threaten anything he likes, and believe what he likes.

So her 'not fighting for you' can be a very good strategy of not escalating the behaviour, getting bogged down in very expensive and pointless arguments, and biding your time (and thus saving your energy) until the important moments.

In the interim, let him get carried away until such a time that you get your 'turn' to speak. You're not fighting him now, you're divorcing him.

By the way, Mediation is mandatory in divorce these days - it's a joke but that's the system. It is a helluva lot cheaper than a court-led divorce. You, don't, however have to agree to anything in mediation. If you can't agree terms, you go to court. It doesn't make any different to your case if you can't agree in mediation - it's just part of the process.

wwk you are so good at saying the right thing. It's hard cos everyone has an opinion. Friends say I shouldn't let him see my son on account of his behaviour but I'm trying really hard to do right by my son. I'm not spiteful by nature. I find it hard not to feel compassion even though stbxh has treated me appallingly. I don't want to hurt him. I just want to stop hurting.

I hated him last weekend. Tonight I'm back to feeling sad. Just confused old me wondering if it really was all a lie just because he's finally showing a bit of concern. All too little too late though really.

Wrt solicitor, think I need more clarity on what our strategy is. You may well be right.

Too much going on. Started new job and moved house this week (whilst he is in our lovely home making it look awful).

Yes, you do have to attend a session at the mediator's, but it is alone. I went and told them that I was not prepared to got to sessions as xh was ea. That was the end of it.

Everyone has an opinion - indeed!

But you are only you, and can only do what is best for you.

If it fits other people but not you, then this is the time to say "no, THIS is happening to me not you, I feel THIS, you don't".

As long as you're not being spiteful or acting in anger, then you can't go far wrong because nobody knows, except with the benefit of hindsight, what the best decisions are. You, however, have to live with any decisions you make, so feel comfortable in yourself.

The feelings of caring don't just switch off, you're right about that. You, naturally worry, after all we saw it as part and parcel of being married to be concerned for them!

And also, your man does seem to have a huge ability to demand things without reciprocating on the concern front. Mine too!

And there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. One day you hate him, one day you miss him, one day you love him still. The fact that you're measuring this in days, is already progress: not too long ago you were measuring it in moments.

Also, starting new jobs, accomplishing things, moving house - these are all stark reminders of what has happened. They remind you of things you 'want to say' or 'would have said' and so make you very aware that he's gone. These things, ordinarily, would be moments to celebrate. Now they are just things forced onto you.

But can I say: congratulations on the job, and the house move, and getting things sorted out during such a difficult time, and doing it with a little one too.

You forgot to mention that you aren't as shit as he says you are. Funny how opinions aren't necessarily right, huh?

In the courtroom his solicitor was leaping up and down like a yapping Yorkshire terrier. I kept waiting for mine to unleash the beast. When the judge asked her if she had anyone questions she kept saying no thank you ma'am ( . It was a woman judge.) while I was saying to myself , go on tear his lies into toilet paper.

But it doesn't work like that. He took a folder three inches thick into court . I asked mine if I needed to take mine In And she said no. she was right , you don't get time to refer back to things.

What it involves is using a room with a solicitor. Then they go and chat to the others solicitor. Then they both go before the judge. Then you both go into court. Then lunch in our case. Then back to see your solicitor. They go back to the judge then back into court where you are given the verdict.

What I was surprised about was that the lies he had told were not addressed but maybe in the final settlement that was taken into account and I came out of it quite well.

This is why its so important to get a good solicitor. I spoke to three or four before I decided. I then went to the friend who had had two divorces and had done well both times with his solicitor and hired her. In fact when the second wife knew who her husband had hired she practically caved in there and then.

Cast your net wide. I went out of town for mine.

At first I thought I hadn't done too well but then I heard he was saying he got shafted and when the shock died down and i added up I realised I'd done really well.

So, you don't know what is being said in the judges ear. In court she had to be seen to be fair but financially she made sure I didn't have to struggle.