EXH wanting to increase contact - advice please!

[ChanandlerBong]

I have name changed for this post as I am a long time poster/lurker and EXH is aware of my usual username, and I'd rather he didn't find this (though always a chance).

EXH and I have been separated (and living separately) for 2.5 years. Access to the children has varied in this time, and he wants to change it again. All changes have been at his instigation.

1. Initially he had the children every weekend. His choice. No more than this on school holidays. This was Fri PM - Sun PM. He quickly became unhappy with this and wanted to change it due to it eating into his social life (he was single).

2. We then went down, on his request to every other weekend. Again Fri PM - Sun PM.

3. He then requested time in the week with them, so he started having them on a Weds after school, until Thurs AM, though I would have to go and pick them up at 6:30am so he could go to work. I would take them to school.

In January this year, we finished our session of mediation, and we have a mediation agreement of EOW contact Fri-Sun, and Weds collection from school until after dinner. He also has 50% of school holidays.

I was adamant in mediation that there would be no more changes to the routine as the messing around was no good for the children, and they need routine. DS (9) has ASD, and cannot deal with constant changes. EXH favours "flexibility" (ie: me doing whatever he fancies at the time).

Now EXH is in a relationship (living together) and he wants more time with the children. In mediation he mentioned wanting 50/50, though the mediator told him this was unlikely and the agreement we had was likely to be upheld in court. We have sat down (amicably) and talked, and he has asked for 2 extra nights a week, and increased school collections. He will not do any extra collections/drop offs to school, his partner will do these, he will be at work.

I have said no, on the basis that it is not in the best interests of the children - with DS' AS, and the continued lack of interest from EXH in making any allowances for DS - chopping and changing is not a good idea. I also suspect this is the start of him challenging for 50/50.

He has now called the mediators and requested to go back to mediation to change the agreement. I have declined, so I suspect the next step is court.

I know this is long, and I apologise. I have left out a lot of (possibly irrelevant) information to reduce the length. Does anyone have any experience of how likely he is to get increased time at court, given that we have a mediation agreement that he agreed to and signed less than 9 months ago?

bump

I have recently had such a change proposed. Mediation lasted under 3 hours and we are off to court. CAFCASS have advised me that rarely will they recommend 50:50. There need to be several factors agreed for this to succeed - eg closeish location, good relationship between parents, children OK about the ongoing change of location, proper contact with the parent (not an-other child carer).

On mumsnet there are many families who have reached an amicable arrangement for 50:50 - that's great for them. When you clearly cannot agree as a couple shared parenting like this is probably not going to work. Hence CAFCASS reluctance.

Can I ask why you don't want 50:50 ?

Sure there will be a period of adjustment for the children but they would get used to it - would it work better if it was alternate weeks so your child with AS would find it easier?

Do you think he only wants 50:50 to reduce child support?

Thank you both. And thanks for the CAFCASS info, that's useful.

Penises - I think that part of the reason is reduced child support. When we were undergoing mediation, the mediator pointed out to him that he only ever brought up increased contact when we were discussing finances, and she made it clear to him that he should not be looking to increase contact to reduce payments.

Most of the reason, I feel, is that he thinks that children fit into his lifestyle now. He likes to pick them up and put them down as he sees fit. When he had them every weekend, I was subject to endless snotty comments about what I did with all of my "free time" and how it was a pain for him. He likes to project a certain image, and right now children fit with that.

I do not want to go to 50/50 as I don't think it's best for them. Of course I don't want to see them less (and I do feel a little at being asked to give up my time with them so his partner can spend time with them - the extra time he wants them for will be time they have with her, not him). However that's secondary (and I know it has to be) to the children. Whilst his parenting might not be taken into account, DS doesn't do well there. Their behaviour upon returning is awful. We have worked very hard here to give DS routines and mechanisms for coping with his ASD. I have discussed these with EXH and his partner several times, but he never changes anything. DS is allowed to have seemingly endless screen time etc. EXH doesn't interact with them much, and whilst I am grateful to his partner for being involved with the children, I don't see it as a substitute for decent time with him (which I think he does). EXH isn't interested in CAMHS appointments, outcomes for school meetings about the children's progress, and fails on all counts with making appointments, getting there on time. Maybe that seems petty to get upset about. I know he can parent how he likes.

My biggest concern is that this is temporary. He wants more of them NOW. Like he did a year ago. And then he didn't. He chops and changes with the wind, and I don't want them to bear the brunt of that. I want to keep this routine for a decent amount of time before we think of changing it. At least whilst they are small. (DD is 5).

one last bump

Hi ChanandlerBong I'm not sure if I have anything helpful to say although I would love to, with the challenging life I now lead (you can read my posts if you've got a day!) I am starting to realise that there is no hard and fast way that these issues are dealt with. At the end of the day it's down to building up your evidence, getting reports from childcarers/doctors/whoever sees your children and the effects that these changes have on them in a detrimental way and who the judge is on the day.

My thoughts are with you, good luck when you get a court date and keep strong and doing what you're doing, sounds like you're a great mom.

Thanks Bella

Hi ChanandlerBong

I've got it in my head that there can be no variation orders within the first 12 months of a court order but something to check up on, because I'm not a solicitor so I may have my 'facts' wrong.

So he can apply to court, but it does not mean for one minute the variation will be entertained.

The counter-proposal for it being struck out are:

He keeps 'experimenting' with contact arrangements to find something that works for him, and he needs the agreement to be tweaked to adjust to his on-going changes in his life.

Current argument: Take time away from mother, ask girlfriend of X months to perform parental duties for the children, get 50/50 - as is my 'right' as a father - I am, after, all joint parent!

Where's his sense of responsibility?

Facts to rely on:

Their relationship has not been sufficiently established yet.
What would happen if she left - how will he then meet their needs?
How would this 'change' to their routine affect the children?
Would your children like to live with Dad and girlfriend they barely know?

What experience does girlfriend have of the realities of parenting? Knowledge of childcare does not supercede the role of the mother in the children's lives. A mother cannot be substituted.

What happens if girlfriend decides she want to do something other than bringing up his children (after all, it's not a barrel of laughs doing school runs, dentist appointments, cooking and looking after your own kids, let alone someone else's).
If there are any changes to his present situation, it has a huge impact on your and your children. Assuming if he got 50/50, then you'd need to get additional work. What do you do about work, if the 50/50 experiment is no longer working?
The children prefer consistency.

You are able to meet the children's needs adequately now, as is your legal duty. Can the same be said of the girlfriend?

Why should anyone risk that experiment?

Use the time to build your case that 'DS needs a fixed routine', BUT also, use the time to think about how he believes this latest change is sustainable in the long term, when your current arrangement, which he agreed to, is only 9 months long.

He sounds like a candidate for wearing a spider-man suit to climb buildings to attract attention to himself.

I would just say no on the grounds that there have been several changes and the current agreement was agreed in mediation. I agree with all the suggestions of building up your evidence in case it goes to court, but you could forestall this by saying you are prepared to review the position in a year. His lawyer will advise him that his chances of getting 50/50 are low.

Thank you so much for answering - I know it's rather a boring thread but I'm glad to get some replies.

Spiderman outfit Sounds about right. It's all ME ME ME, nothing about the children, just what HE wants. What HIS rights are. He just wants to project the image he fancies at the time. I'm not going to deny that I don't WANT 50/50 but if I could see it was the case that it was best for them, then I suppose I'd have to suck it up and deal with it. I do accept that he is as much their parent as I am, and I suppose I was curious to see if parentage overrode all else when it came to % residence.

Romeyroo, that's a great idea. Thank you. It's a good plan.
WWK - that's my concern exactly. It's an experiment. And I don't wish for my children to be part of a lifestyle experiment. TBH, when they both came round to discuss this issue, there was a distinct look of relief on her face when I said no to extra nights. So maybe she isn't thrilled at the prospect. She seems nice enough, and the children like her. To be fair, I do feel resentment that he's only interested now that he has someone else (used to be me) to do all the "boring" jobs he's not interested in doing.

Thanks again guys, you've made me feel better. I can do this.

Children's welfare over-rides parentage and residence. In every case.

Roomey-Roo has an excellent idea, get it in writing you will re-consider the arrangement in 12 months time. By then, the longer they are in this arrangement, the less likely someone will come along and upset it.