So today is the day. Married 9 years, split up and tried again more times than I can remember. This WILL be a ramble but I have nobody IRL to talk to.
He says he no longer loves me as a spouse but cares about me and is "fond" of me. Our main issue, which has been ongoing even before our wedding, is his lack of sex drive. Three, maybe four times a year. No kissing or touching. Excuse after excuse, different excuses all the time.
I would explode in frustration every 3 months or so - why haven't you touched me? Why don't you want me? In despair, lost 5 stone in weight, I have spent a fortune on makeup, creams, cosmetic dentistry, had every hairstyle you could ever imagine. Not to sound egotistical but I am often told I'm very attractive. The people I have confided in have been bemused as to why he would reject me. This does not help at all, of course, this prolonged rejection has broken me. I was 23 when we wed. He is 7 years older.
During our separations I have had other partners, primarily out of sexual frustration and some kind of need to prove to myself that I wasn't fundamentally repulsive.
He finally came out and told me that he has realised he is Asexual. That he can never and will never feel sexually attracted to me - although has enjoyed sex on the odd occasion it has happened (when he has done it out of duty).
At first we both thought we could cope, compromise. He is my best friend in the world and I love him. Then the grief came. There's no hope, he can't change his sexuality. Of course not. Then the resentment came. He says he married me because he thought he could live a "normal" life. Was our marriage some kind of experiment? For someone to try to be normal? Is this how people who have unwittingly married closet homosexuals feel? It feels like it would be a similar thing. But instead of him wanting other men, he wants - nothing.
Thanks to anyone who has read this. You really don't have to respond.