stbexh has moved back into the house - I need support please

[bella1968]

The children and I came back from holiday Saturday night to find that h had bought a bed and wardrobe and built it in the playroom downstairs, he's claiming the downstairs bathroom as his and told the children not to go in there unless absolutely desperate and the other one is occupied.

Of course he let me in to do the washing fortunately.

He told me last night that I'd obviously had him thrown out of his house to get back at him and it had seriously backfired on him and that he'd moved back in as I couldn't look after our children properly. He's not going to pay any money for the bills and he works from home mostly!

I've contacted my solicitor but now have to wait patiently to speak to her and face the doom and gloom of going home to his dictatorial, aggressive nature. He's already balled twice at my son and my daughter is not happy that he's back. He's told her she can't sleep in my room and that it's wrong, she is 11 and is going to secondary school and they will think it strange. I told her there's nothing wrong if she needs the company and comfort of her mom there then she can stay it's up to her and her daddy can't stop her from doing so.

He is writing down everything and says the place is a mess and he's taken photos to show social services (I've made previous threads about my story to explain why the social services and police are involved).

I just need emotional support right now, I feel desolate like I've been punched and totally depressed.

bella that sounds beyond stressful

How long until you can speak to your solicitor?

fortunately I've just spoken to her, she thinks he's an sod! she's so lovely she's going to contact his solicitor to find out what the intentions are now he's back and we will need to get a mediation session set up immediately so she'll now hurry the divorce proceedings along and also address the finance side of things.

thanks for writing back to me.

I hope it doen't take long.

A good solicitor is a big help

I have been told a normal non defended divorce takes 6 months, however it seems he may not agree things through mediation so it will take more like 9 months, although there is someone on here that is in her 3rd year!

You have to be able to negotiate him out of the house sooner that, surely?

How long to arrange the mediation?

Is he always like this?

Are you documenting the bad stuff he does? Like shouting at the children?

I do hope you start using the downstairs bathroom all the bloody time. He can't dictate to you. Do as you damn well please.

Record the shouting on your phone. Give your solicitor/police ammo to get him removed.

If he works from home I assume he needs the internet? So take the hub with you to work.

Umm, if two adults are living in the house and the place is a mess, well, how can that be the fault of only one of them? Document how much housework you and the children do and how much he does.

How are you managing the food, laundry, toiletries situation? Does he have a section in the fridge for his food? Does he have a time slot for using the washing machine to do his laundry?

If he is working from home and you are at home, I would be as loud as possible at all times. I would change the password on the internet - he is not paying for it so he can't use it.

You sound very passive. Make his life as difficult as possible.

Just for a bit of history, I removed him from the property on 12th June, he was allowed back on 26th (non-mol/occupation) in July he came back for 1 night but went again saying he feared for his liberty/safety and that I could call the police and have him arrested. (well yes of course I could!) anyway this worked to my advantage and so I've been with the children ever since. The social services have been round and she said there's no problem here. (Of course I've called her now to say he's back and another report will have to be made)

Yes I am documenting what has been said.

I don't know how long it will be to set up a mediation appointment, my solicitor has written to him today to find out his intentions and to set one up. I have found the details of a local one, already contacted her and she's sent me the paperwork that we both have to complete.

If I am downstairs I shall use the toilet, however I have moved my toiletries to the upstairs bathroom as I can't afford for him to stop me using the bathroom as I work full time in London and don't want to be late for work, he'll also use that against me if I do.

I shall use the washing machine and dryer which is in the downstairs bathroom whenever I feel like it!

Unfortunately I think he has a 4g stick from his work so he may not use our internet.

The place was a mess in June when he left since then I have spent countless hours tidying up the place. There was an awful lot of rubbish amongst paperwork that had been 'pushed under the carpet' so to speak and it fell to my responsibility over the years to sort it all out, I am near completion of this and there was a few bags in the garage which I took out and put in the lounge to sort through which I didn't manage to finish. The kitchen mess however is him, he has moved things from the playroom, including taking down 2 cupboards to fit his wardrobe in and this is all in the kitchen now this has made a complete mess.

My solicitor is covering the bills with his, food I don't know and I suspect he'll do his own laundry. As he has done this without my knowledge and agreement I haven't covered any of this and this is a totally new situation to me, had things been amicable then maybe this could all be discussed but as there is history of emotional, mental, verbal abuse to me and the children then it doesn't stand a chance.

I am most definitely not passive, however I don't want to explode and make the situation worse for me and the children and give him ammunition. I think he is trying to prove that I am mentally ill, possibly bi-polar!

I need a plan and I need to stick to it, once I know what not to say or what I should do I'll be ok, unfortunately I seem to get in a mess whenever he says something to me and I need to remember that that is not the man I married but someone else, an ogre!

any ideas for an action plan anyone?

I didn't want to read and run, and your note makes me feel angry at him and sad for you that your life has got this bad.
Please please keep in mind that things can only get better, and that when this whole sorry saga is over you and the kids will be free of him forever.

The moaning about the house being a mess, claiming rooms for himself etc is just to control you. He can't claim you are mad/bipolar without getting evidence.

Is there anywhere you can go during the day - out with the kids, round to a friends, etc to get some space? I am managing to barely see my stbxh by a combo of work in London, weekends away and seeing friends on my day off. My husband doesn't work and so goes to the pub most nights which used to drive me mad but is now a relief.

thanks Claire I too work in London, full time fortunately, now also the children have started secondary school so we can sort out a routine around that.

Fortunately I'm not worried about his comments on bipolar, there's no way in the world that he can prove I'm mentally ill just because I'm on anti-depressants! which incidentally I'm on because of his behaviour which started in 2011 and I've been on them ever since unable to put up with him. In my head I'm treating him as not there, like an irritating fly that I can flick off my shoulder lol!

My solicitor advised to go ahead and book the mediator so I'm doing that this morning. The social worker called yesterday and we had a long chat, she is used to people like him. He finally called her back yesterday to book an appointment which was at 9.15 this morning, she will call me to report back on what he said! , she told me that she is expecting him to be lovely and nice and polite and said people like him are very clever in trying to get what he wants but she's used to it. I obviously can't tell her what to do but she's seems to be on my side if there is sides to be taken.

Mess wise, I was angry but I know that I've been the one that has cleared up years of crap mixed up with lots of papers amounting to 10 black bin bags over the last year, more so since I got rid of him in June. I'm proud of the work that I have done. Every time I have cleaned and cleared the lounge he went in and made a mess. I have paperwork (the remaining few bits) left to sort but because of the mess he created in the kitchen and having to do the children's school uniform I haven't had chance to attack it yet but will do so this evening and every evening until it is done to get it back on track. Besides having spoken to the social worker yesterday a bit of mess is not important as long as the children are treated well, fed and watered and loved, roof over their head and the bills paid that is all that matters.

He is just showing how controlling he can be, unfortunately of course, I don't know whether he's going to push for going to court and wait for a judges decision which will take months so I am considering moving me and the children elsewhere if this is going to happen.

So what happens with you? how do you manage emotionally? do you have the support around you, people to vent, talk to when you need to?

I manage my situation by a combo of a supportive (albeit not local) family, a few close (physically and emotionally) friends and escape tactics. I am moving out with my daughter in a couple of weeks and will deal with the house/divorce crap when I am safely out of his grasp.

Knowing it isn't forever allows me to ignore his ludicrous accusations about me having affairs, lying to him about my whereabouts etc etc. I am going to lose financially big time but my happiness and sanity, and my daughters wellbeing is so worth it. My daughter is only 9 months tho - I take some comfort that she won't remember this horrible period of her life - which is a bit different to your situation.

If you don't have people to vent to in real life do so here - you need to do so every so often or you just go nuts.

Grim isn't it?!

yes very grim. That's great, glad to hear you're getting out.

It was lovely last night, he didn't come home till 11pm, slammed his way through the house. We were all in bed obviously. He came upstairs and went to dd room, saw she wasn't there (she was in my bed!) and mumbled something then went downstairs.

He'll be writing this down. I went into 'his bedroom' last night and found his notepad that he had been writing what time I went to bed what time i get up what time i give them tea and what has been said if he disagrees with it and what time they go to bed. Total harrassment!

Just wanted to add support. He sounds a complete nightmare and you seem very calm with it all. Is there anyway you can take photos of his mess, notebook etc so you have proof of his actions in the house? Hope you get movement from your solicitor soon

thanks ellisisland your support is much appreciated. I'm trying to be calm although he does make me very angry, most of all because of his refusal not to enter into any discussions with me, mediator or his solicitor. My solicitor says that as we will now be going through court for a financial order and childrens arrangements he will have to at some point.

The things that he is writing down I've taken a photo of although to be honest I don't know what use that is going to be for him, I can't see a judge being all that interested!?

No a judge IMO wouldn't be interested. They would probably say that you have breached his privacy by going through his stuff.

Financial remedy is a no fault process therefore it doesn't matter who is divorcing who or for what reason (only in very very very rare cases is behaviour taken into account which this isn't)

what a cock!

I would contact the police to let them know the situation so that if he does kick off they know bot to just ignore

Earthwindfire what does IMO mean? I'm not going to be using what he's written only to make sure that I write what actually happened. Noone will know that I saw it.

Last night turned bad. We came back from holiday on the Saturday last weekend and during the week that I was away I had arranged for a builder to come in and replace our sink which was soaking and wearing away the wall, the tap had finally corroded so I'd advised my stbexh a week or so ago or maybe longer that it would need sorting out. No reply. So whilst I was away I let a trusted builder (with my next door neighbour keeping an eye as she'd had the builder previously to do her kitchen and bathroom a month ago) in the house to sort it out with me. Unfortunately with stbexh popping in and out of the house each day (so my neighbour told me) he was there when my builder came in to do the work and he listened to my stbexh and it was put up in the wrong position far too close to the toilet! I advised my stbexh that it wasn't correct and he said it was find a man of my build doesn't hav e aproblem and I advised him that as I am the one paying (he's paying nothing towards the house and hasn't since he found a job in April/May) I want it put right. Anyway having told him that I'd arranged for it to be Sunday (yesterday) I reminded him Saturday evening and he said that he'd call the police if I did as it would be damaging his house! So Sunday he went out with the children for lunch and when he came back around 5ish the builder was there and he charged out of his car, went into the downstairs bathroom (which was now his domain and he's told us we are not to use his bathroom or bedroom which was the playroom, an extension on the back of the house from the kitchen) saw that the sink wasn't there (which the builder had only just taken off) and then balled/screamed at me you've damage my house, this is against my wishes, you just want to do what you want to do, I haven't got a sink I haven't got a sink, I tried to say he's going to put it back but after trying to talk to him twice I went upstairs as he wouldn't let me pass into the kitchen, as I went upstairs I heard him tell the builder that this was totally against his wishes! He scared the hell out of me so I called the police. Unfortunately he was gone by the time the police came. I gave them a full report and then later on as I was serving tea he came back with his aunt and collected a few things in a bag and they left. He called them this morning to make sure that they were ok for school, he only spoke to daughter as my son was cutting it fine to get to school so I said we're busy we haven't got time.

Today I just feel stoned, not that I've ever taken drugs but hopefully you know what I mean.

Christ! Good riddance.

Didn't take him long to show his true colours did it?

Did you get the sink finished? What did the builder do? Run a mile?

No it didn't.My solicitor is now going to find out whether he's coming back or not.if he is we'll press it because he's acting against the undertaking we both have against us, he'll be held in contempt of court maybe fined or imprisoned.

Guess that's why he ran!!

Yep, sink all finished tonight and looking lovely, builder was ok, nice guy, he just kept his head down.

I'm tempted to throw the bed and wardrobe he bought from ikea for £450, goods worth another £190 & the new Sony Batavia tv he's just bought out of the house with him!!!! All this he's spent along with his packets of ham hock which cost a staggering £2.50 each and he has 3 of them whilst I buy 79p pork & egg roll for me n kids!!!! All this and he hasn't contributed a single thing to our house or children since he started his job in April!!! I'm outraged and he has the audacity to question how I spend my money by taking the children for a treat to the cafe a few times.Fortunately for us it's a friend who runs the cafe so she won't let me pay full price so I usually help her out and dry up in the kitchen.

hello ladies, I received a call from child maintenance service yesterday, they had assessed my case and concluded an amount that stbxh should be paying starting 1 October with backpay from 29 July. The lady called him and advised him of this to which he "wilfully refused to pay", she also advised that the next step would be to stop the money from his salary to which he replied "good luck". The lady said that it was not a nice call and had to step away from the phone. Reading between the lines and what I asked her it sounded like he had been very aggressive and swore at her.

She expects him not to pay and advised me to call after 1 October once we know he's not paid.

My solicitor is going through the motions and advising his solicitor of my account number for him to pay though.

He came round last night unannounced to take the children to confession. They were doing their homework so he hung around helping them with that from 6.45-8.10. I ran upstairs and told my dd that I am not coming down until he has gone as I don't want to get into another argument or see him. When he asked when I was doing tea she told him what I'd said to which he replied Typical!

When he left the house he could be heard saying "go and get ready for bed, it's too late for tea now you'll have to do without, it's bedtime now"

Obviously we went out to get something to eat and the kids got to bed around 9pm. Late for them to be up at 6.30 or at least dd has to be up then ds a little later as his school is nearer.

My support worker is coming to the house tonight, there will be more fireworks if he comes to take them to confession again tonight when he sees that she is here!

thanks for listening.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. Where is he staying now? Will he stay there do you think?

Hi squeegle, thanks.at his aunt and uncles approx 10-15 mins car drive away.I really hope so!

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, but he's obviously so unpredictable it must be very wearing for you! Stick with it, hope you continue to get what you need from support workers etc. you will get there.

Hi Bella1968,
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have divorced my compulsive gambling, compulsive lying, pathologic narcissistic of a husband. I threw him out in March 2013 and he walked back into the MH in Dec 2013 stating it is his f'ing home and he has a right to live here.
He has not contributed to any bills or mortgage, made the divorce proceedings go at a snails pace but I am nearing the end.
Have hope that this will end.

I have two children whom he uses as emotional support and a tool to hurt me, and them!
It feels incredible frustrating that he has a right to be in the home without paying anything, never cleaning, disrespecting me in front of the children and generally swanning about like lord of the manner.
I can't tell you how much I hate this man for the damage he has caused our children.

I have my First Appointment for Financial Resolution in 10 days and will try to leave you a message of letting you know if this has moved the situation any further forward.

My friend constantly tells me to set my defence shields to maximum, I'm offering you the same advice. Keep your defences up, remove all important documents to a safe place, birth certs, passports, financial documents which you may need, never underestimate him, try to stay one step ahead.

Its exhausting but it will be worth it when we are both rid of them.