Adjusting to separation

[caffeinated]

I found out 6 weeks ago my husband was having an affair. Initially he was committed to working on things but last week confessed he's not sorry he did it and we have separated after 12 years. I have been a sahm for 10 years and am now living in the rented family home with our 3 children aged between 5-10. I have claimed all the benefits I am entitled to. Been to the jobcentre today and just sobbed. I have nobody to help with childcare and am overwhelmed at the prospect of returning to work whilst caring for the children.

I am not coping well with the revelations of the last 6 weeks. Struggling to eat, sleep or focus. Constantly tearful, trying to reassure the kids and it is all just too much.

I feel like I'm sinking and it will just never get better. I feel like by my marriage failing I have disadvantaged my children cos they are stuck with me most of the time and the squabble a lot and I'm such a mess.

Can anyone assure me things will get better?

Dear caffeinated, I am so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time at the moment. With so many changes all at once, it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed and frightened, and you are so brave for holding it together and looking to the future, scary as that is.

I have recently been through a time of change and anxiety and the things which really helped me was learning about self compassion and practicing meditation. I would recommend the book by Kristin Neff on self compassion as well as her website www.self-compassion.org which has some meditations as well. They have helped me immensely through my anxiety.

Things will definitely get better , but it takes time and you really need to take care of yourself in the meantime and give yourself a lot of understanding and love.

You've been through a really tough time, so it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed and as if you're sinking. Your whole life has changed beyond recognition too, so please be patient with yourself. I know it's a cliche to say things will get better (it made me feel cross and think 'how does anyone actually know it will get better??') but of course, it does, little by little, because you start to adapt, bit by bit, to the new circumstances. What was once a big shock becomes easier to cope with because you get used to things, and your survival mechanisms kick in. Slowly you start to feel a bit more in control and the days get easier. You'll get joyous moments too, of feeling 'yes, I can do it'. But it takes time - or it did for me anyhow. That first initial shock of separation is a killer, coupled with all the stress, anxiety and exhaustion, especially having to put a brave face on for the kids. In the short term, just be kind to yourself, try to eat properly and try to get enough sleep so you can think straight. Offload to friends too, if it helps, or post on here. Good luck.

I know exactly how you feel as I'm going through the same. OH is having an affair, but still living in our house, doesn't get his flat 'til next month. So he is going out seeing the other woman, then coming back to the house & even sleeping in our bed. It's so painful & heartbreaking even confusing. I can't bare to look at him, just wish he would leave so I can move on.

Oh mortymoo that's dreadful. How dare he share your bed. Has he nowhere else to go?

morty

How are things going op? It's v early days. I can't tell you it'll get better yet as it's early days for me too. I've had to leave my home and my stbxh is all over the place messing my head up. Just take everything in small chunks of time. I've been trying not to get too far ahead in my thoughts.

I feel guilty too for my son who keeps telling me not to worry as he sees me cry a lot. He's so little it breaks my heart. But we'll get there because we have to don't we? Can't just lay down and take it all.

So sorry you're going through this.

Unfortunately it takes time - small steps one day at a time. You've done excellent so far.

Plus he was the one having the affair not you - he could have told you he was having doubts within the marriage before embarking on the affair but he choose to cheat. It's the cowards way out. You didn't fail the marriage he never gave you a chance.

My stbxh left me and my children in August for the OW. It's been hell. Some days I feel like I'm being dragged down and other days I feel so numb - like I don't believe it's happening to me - it's almost like I'm looking in from the outside. Sometimes the pain gets too much but I'm still here hanging on - I've got no option my children need me and I'll never leave them like he did.

Your children are not stuck with you - you are their stability. They may play up more with you than when they're with him because they know you won't leave them. My 11 year old is giving me hell but she's all smiles with him.

Hi All,

I am so glad that I found this website it is so helpful. I am just started divorce petition, I want to do all the paper works myself and have a lawyer to do just the financial issues, as I do not have much money. I live in Wimbledon and I work in the city. I would appreciate if I could meet someone went through the divorce to talk. I am so lost and scared. As I know for sure my husband will not be honest in his financial disclosure. As he always been hidden everything relative to his finances.

I am looking forward to hear from any one.

Kind Regards,