My feed

to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.


unreasonable behaviour

11 replies

confusedNC · 16/08/2014 08:18

My h is pressing ahead with unreasonable behaviour because I haven't consented to 2years separation (we separated only a month ago).

He's a bully and won't slow this down.

Anyway, has anyone accepted dv on their unreasonable behaviour and is there a downside, other than it being unjust?

Haven't got papers yet. It will be nasty.

OP posts:
Redhead11 · 16/08/2014 08:28

get legal help at once. You can't do this on your own.

confusedNC · 16/08/2014 09:17

Yes thanks I have got solicitor just recently and she said wouldn't matter but just wondered whether anyone had experienced this and found any downsides. My solicitor is trying to minimise cost I think, cos I know if you contest the grounds then you're spending money on letters back and forth.

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 16/08/2014 13:29

Do you want to get divorced?
If the answer is yes I would let him do his worst only the judge will ever see those papers it is never listed anywhere, no one else will know what's written. Your Ex I assume is paying.

confusedNC · 16/08/2014 15:54

Yes I think that would be my solicitors condition. That I wouldn't contest as long as he pays. In all honesty, I'm in no hurry to divorce. I've barely had time to process what's happened, but husband is pushing everything as fast as possible.

As I say, that's him trying to bully me.

I think my concern would be if he tried to state anything that could be used in future disputes. For example, if he said I drink too much (not that I do) and that could be used? He is not going to be at all reasonable.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 16/08/2014 21:12

Hi, I'm not a solicitor. I'd recommend you read 'Family Law by Slater and Gordon' to help you understand what divorce is really about. I found it enormously helpful.

It is not a 'fact-finding' mission to determine fault/apportion blame.

It is a set of arrangements to separate the finances fairly (the trickiest bit), to ensure the needs of the children are protected (sometimes a tricky bit), and to "legalise" the ending of the relationship, just as the wedding "legalised" the start of it!

It is nearly impossible to contest divorce, and UB/adultery is the quickest route. Adultery is harder to 'prove', UB is the easiest way.

The statements are between you, him and the judge. You do not need to tell anyone, and they won't be passed on to third parties.

If, however, there is something in there about child abuse or violence, then you should state that you refute x but state strongly that you have no wish to contest the divorce.

The reasons for divorce, who divorces who, make not one jot to the financial settlement ("ancillary relief proceedings") but you must state that you refute any harm to the children if this is not true or provable in anyway, e.g. you don't have convictions or a record of harming your children.

If you've thumped him = so what? I'm not condoning violence, or suggest you thump him, but it matters not one jot to the judge. His job is to end your marriage, and agree that there are reasons to. He does not prosecute. The police do that - so don't thump him!

I too am being bullied through the divorce, it's stressful and he is divorcing me despite him leaving the marriage without notice. I steamed for a day when I read what he'd written (it's long, factually incorrect and contains utter lies). However, it's a means to an end. The quicker you come to terms with that, the quicker you can move on (she says hypocritically!)

Divorce is because you cannot compel a person to remain married if they don't wish to. Marriage is a choice. Divorce is a process to fulfil that decision.

That clinical.

It's the emotions that we all suffer with - the divorce itself is largely a long bureaucratic exercise.

Do join us on my thread 'Dear STBXH' if you wish to write ranty letters to him - it's hilariously cathartic.

confusedNC · 16/08/2014 22:13

Sadly I haven't punched him :)

I'm expecting lies too. He's lied for years. I'm only just realising.

I have read some of your thread Wellwho. You're amazing. Hope I can keep a sense of humour too. X

Thanks for posting. At a low ebb tonight. Going to have to look for a rental property cos stbxh would rather make his young son homeless than suffer some inconvenience himself. It's my fault for not taking up his generous offer of sharing the house and skivvying for him whilst he divorces me.

I'll catch up with your thread now, well. Hope you are doing ok.

How did these twats convince great women to marry them? Seriously need to look at my self esteem issues.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 16/08/2014 23:15

Hi love - good to see you've posted.

I know first hand how bloody awful divorce is. I really do - it does help to try to find something humorous about it because it really does suck. I don't post the half of it. It hurts. I cry a lot.

However, when you are divorcing, anything the other person says is the most abhorrent of personal attacks. They will distort facts, truth, misinterpret, believe the worst of you (even baselessly), and your previous 'quirks' now have become unbearable and insufferable and they are virtually saints for having taken you out of society for x years.

In fact, they expect the Queen will give the an OBE for services to the community.

To a judge, your solicitor, his solicitor and the typists involved it really is just a job. Not something to give a shit about.

Without going into personal matters on a public forum, I have the utter joy of being trapped in paradise until this is over. Writing ranty letters and being stuck here (it really is a lovely place with lovely people) is wearing. And I have months to go...of still being married to the most abhorrent of bullies.

If my STBX were to meet you, you'd hate me.
If your STBX were to meet me, I'd hate you.

As it goes - we are just faceless women getting divorced. If we were to meet, we'd figure out whether or not we liked each other.

Lots of people will apportion blame. You/I need to focus on making sure we have futures to go to. SO DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH YOUR SOLICITOR.

Sorry to shout - but really I'm not likable Wink.

The trick is to do what the divorce process actually requires you to do:

separate out the emotion from the practical

That is so easy for me to type. I am Mrs Hypocrite!

In the interim, I'll nag you in the absence of your husband...

confusedNC · 17/08/2014 08:14

Well I'm pretty sure I'd like you if I met you :) sense of humour, bastard stbxh in common and a brain, what's not to like?

I have unfortunately left our home. I left just to get my head straight but then he's gone off instantly pursuing divorce and being as nasty as possible, there's no way I can be under the same roof, not with our son picking up on it.

Heartbroken about our home. Never probably would've gone if I knew this but then he'd already made me ill. Think he'd just try and destroy me. Already told me to kill myself (flippantly but said with feeling) when we were married.

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 17/08/2014 13:10

My DP was once told when discussing some of the 'claims' that his ex made that divorce petitions are hardly likely to be an advert for spouse if the year. There is a reason you are seperating. You no longer want to be together.

The divorce is a means to an end that is all and judges have seen it all before.

confusedNC · 28/08/2014 21:48

Apparently it is on its way. Dreading reading it. He's going to be a spiteful bastard. Sad

OP posts:
lifeisunjust · 29/08/2014 16:08

Yes just had it done to me. Lied about his address, lied about
When he left me, lied about every single issue of my unreasonable behaviour
Our lives are finished. Our money was stolen. The law is not on your side

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.