my husbands filed for divorce after months of abusing me and kids

[bella1968]

he filed last Wednesday probably because he knew that I was going to do it. His statement is totally unreasonable as you would expect, it's not his fault it's all mine. Anyway I have a few questions that I'd appreciate if anyone could answer or advise:

1. does he stand a chance of getting full custody of the children and moving back into the home? I got him removed from the property on 12th June by a deputy district judge in court, then it was later removed on 26th June but he didn't come back as he feared I'd call the police.

1. Is the correct way to acknowledge a divorce petition to accept the divorce but to object to the statement and then state your reasons why? I don't want to hold up the divorce as I agree we should do that although I'm surprised that he's done it! he looks like the evil party to the children now lol

1. can he get a decree absolute when finances or children haven't been sorted out?

1. How long does it take to sort all the finances or children's arrangements out usually?

1. Do I really have to pay his costs for the petition and lawyers because I'm the respondent? I thought it was the other way round that's why I've dilly dallied?

1. When the fight for the children and home starts will it help my side that I've reported his domestic abuse of me and children to the police, social services and school?

Thanks to everyone for listening.

Hi bella sorry you have been through all this....but glad he is gone for all your sakes. I was in a similar relationship and separated in 2011. My children are between 7 and 12 now.

1. "custody" does not exist, neither do residence orders any more...this all now comes under a "statement of arrangements" which will include where the children normally reside, who will be the main carer (or whether this would be shared), how much and what type of contact the children will have with their father. This is determined by an informal agreement (unlikely in your case) that a judge ratifies, a mediated agreement that a judge ratifies or a court order following a process in the family courts usually involving CAFCASS (sort of court appointed social workers).

2)/5)Defending a divorce petition is not usually advisable, you can accept it but disagree with the grounds. This would not usually mean that you were liable for his costs. He (or you) could apply for costs as part of the proceedings and a judge would rule whether this was granted. Most people pay their own costs unless there is an obvious way that one party has unreasonably or deliberately increased the costs of the other by their behaviour.

3)No, it would be very unreasonable and unwise to get to a degree absolute without finances and children being sorted out. No solicitor would advise it and most judges wouldn't sign unless there was exceptional circumstances.

4. Depends on the parties and thier willingness to get to an agreement. possible in 6 months. I am on year 3...but my STBX is a controlling arse who does not want to divorce (yet).

5. Try not to fight if it is at all possible. the only ones who gain are the lawyers. Equally don;t role over...you need to live and your children need to be safe.

NB even with Domestic abuse directly involving the children and well documented and known about my children have ended up (3 years later) with a court order that forces them to have half of all holidays and every other weekend with their father. this despite their reluctance. it has gradually been increased to this but his bad behaviour and unreliability and the past hurt did not protect them. the court are very predisposed to this arrangement and a history of past abuse will not stop them making an order for it...although in our case they did get to it gradually over 8 months with repeated CAFCASS reports and escalation of time and supoervisionat first. If you think you could negotiate an arrangement that you feel would be better for your children than this then give it a go.

If you have documented DA and a previous non mol order you may qualify for Legal aid (few are but it is always worth checking).

Use a lawyer. your local Women's Aid workers will know people who they use for free clinics and who understand the particular problems of divorcing controlling and abusive men.

Try a couple of free half hour consults with solicitors before you employ one. you need to be comfortable and confident in them.

Good luck

Thanks for that.I have a solicitor who is currently on holiday.I'd prepared my own petition which we were about to file but he filed his Wednesday and I got it Saturday which was a bit of a shock to be honest by that time my solicitor had gone away.

I've spent part of this evening packing away his books from the bookcase in the lounge so that I can put the children's there. : )

With regards to costs your stbx maybe able to claim the costs if the actual divorce from you however if you end up going through court for finances then for this each parties are usually liable for their own costs.

I agree with fooling with regards trying to come to agreements between yourselves.

My DPs ex refused to discus anything unless through a solicitor, dragged the whole thing through courts for years but ended up with an order set out by a judge for the same split that my DP offered her years ago (plus she has a huge legal bill which she wrongly thought DP would be liable for )

Making you home your own is a very good thing!

At least with him filing it should mean that he will also want to get on with sorting the practicalities...though it is probably all about control.

Whilst your solicitor is away you could usefully get all your ducks in a row re what you would like to end up with as a settlement and collect together all the papers you will need.

thanks foolonthehill I ummed and arrhed about removing his books, my mom said not to as it will only antagonise him and be saying to him that I expect him to not get the house but I just had to, but a friend said why not, it's not like your damaging them just putting them away safely. It felt good tonight I'm going to put the childrens' books in their it's our house now. My daughter's slept with me the last 2 nights before she went away so maybe I'll swop his clothes and mine (his wardrobe is in our room and my wardrobe is in my daughter's room).

I'm gradually getting through all the household paperwork, taking it to work to scan and keep safe, over the last few months to keep me busy I've been decluttering the house each and every room including the garage and the loft, I've had friends help me, whilst he's just sat around or taken the kids to the park not even embarrassed that he's not helping so I had to get a friend to help!

I know what I want in settlement already just don't know that I'll get it that's all. As I was going to file the divorce petition I'd already started to look at this form but I'm hoping that maybe we can reach some kind of settlement without going to court, maybe mediation separately?

we had shuttle mediation so we were'n't in the same room: it did not work but that was because of my husband's attitude...I still think I am glad that I gave it a go. Court was the last resort, expensive and messy....but I know nothing else worked and I am not left wondering....

I still have not moved him out fully. I regret this. I was scared of antagonising him but in the real world I think it just made him think I was not serious...and that he would be coming back!

hope all goes smoothly for you.

thanks foolonthehill me too he has mentioned how much his solicitors are costing him at the moment, sorry how much I am costing him with his solicitors! which are around 5,000 so perhaps he'll agree to keep it out of court!?