How to sort out finances with exH

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H left in feb having admitted to an affair. We haven't made any formal arrangements but he has continued to pay the mortgage and some bills. I have taken him off the council tax and have paid that and the other bills.

This is pretty much how it was pre-split. He has also been putting some money each month in our joint account for me to access whenever I need it.

All this works fine but I don't like it. I'd like us to sort out our finances properly but don't know where to start. He earns about 3 times for than me so I don't think I would be able to get a mortgage on this house on my own.

Do I need to speak to a financial advisor or a mediation service or what? Would I lose the house if he came off the mortgage? He has said he will help me financially but I think I need something more formal.

Please can someone advise? Thanks.

This is how I did it. It seems so daunting at first, but once you get it all straight it is very liberating to be in control of your own finances.

First of all, get your own bank account set up. Make sure you are receiving any lone parent/low income discounts and benefits on your council tax/water bills etc and that tax credits are aware of your situation.

Sit down and work out what each of you has to pay to run your own separate household. Also how much you each have coming in (including child benefit, tax credits but not any payments from him to you just yet).

Figure out how much the CSA recommended amount is based on how many DCs you have, how often he has them and what he earns. This is the very minimum he should pay you.

If you were renting instead of mortgaged you would get help with housing benefit, but this won't apply if you are planning to stay put, so if your ex wants to enable you and your DCs to remain in the family home he needs to account for this.

He will also presumably have pensions and greater earning potential for the future, so when dividing up assets for divorce this should be reflected in your settlement (I have agreed to take 100% of he equity in return for no extra spousal maintenance on top of CSA and no claim on his pensions etc).

I work pt and have been able to stay in the house, I intend to keep his name on the mortgage (he won't be able to buy anywhere else anyway, and the bank won't accept me on my own as I don't earn enough, so he will have to accept that the mortgage remains technically 50% his responsibility, even though I will pay it, in order to give his DCs security) I then need to get his name taken off the deeds, so that he will be on the mortgage, but without having a stake in the proceeds.

Btw, it's over 2 years since my ex left and we're only now sorting out the nitty gritty. Main thing is separate bank accounts and claim everything to which you're entitled. There's no prize for being too 'dignified' to claim benefits, they are there for people in your situation so take them.

Thanks PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair. That's really helpful. Did you get any professional help with this or did you manage it on your own?

I've had no professional help, doing the divorce through Wikivorce, which is minimal to say the least! I'm lucky if I get an email acknowledgment let alone any advice. Cheap but I guess you get what you pay for. He has consulted with a solicitor and came back telling me that I was lucky to be getting as much as I was (CSA + £200 per month for a year, then dropping the £200 as he says he can't afford this much.) Looking at the figures and the fact that I have the DCs 6 days a week to his 1 day, I don't believe a word of this, so have just had to work out how much I can cope with.

Fortunately my ex and I are able to be civil and sat down to work out the finances pretty early on and have had ongoing discussions as things have changed. If you and your ex can manage that, then you will save a lot on professional fees. He does still plead poverty at any opportunity and acts like he's doing me a favour by giving me anything at all, but being an essentially decent sort, he is resigned to it.

FWIW I could probably get more in the short term if I went with a solicitor, but I'm happy to accept this, earn what I can in the meantime and know that my future is secure in the house. It certainly isn't worth us spending money 'lawyering up' when the assets we're dividing are fairly minimal and straightforward.

It isn't what I had planned for my life and I'm lucky that I've since met a lovely man who makes me happy and also helps support my family with meals out and holidays, which I couldn't otherwise afford. I imagine my life without him would be a much more frugal affair, but still better than when I was married!

Hi. I went to a solicitor once to get advice re divorce etc. we've filed for divorce ourselves and will do finances too. I went on line to the calculator thingy and worked out what he needs to pay and he pays me every month. I pay the mortgage myself as I'm bloody minded like that and am lucky that I can. He is still on it as cost £600 odd in fees just to get him taken off

We've decided between us how we want to split finances and will just apply for the financial order.

Re dcs we do any bigger payments like for big school trips between us on top of what he already pays.

Citizens advice can help too. I found a lot of my bills have gone down considerably like water and electricity!