Wife has changed personality overnight

[bernieboy42]

Please help. My wife and I have been together 11 years and have always been the most tactile and in love couple. But three months ago (when our first child as 15 months old) i noticed she was quite vacant for a couple of days and she told me she didn't want to have sex with me (which has always been a healthy part of the relationship) She left me after a week saying she didn't love me or fancy me and that she wanted a divorce. Since then her claims have grown to not fancying me for seven years, not wanting to marry me eight years ago and only going through with it because both of our mums were dying and that i have controlled and manipulated her throuhout the relationship, the first instance being when we split up for three days after six months and i threw some stones at her window and sent flowers. We both work from home so we can both share the responsibility of looking afer our son. My wife is a fitness instructor and is tired all the time and has lost so much weight. She has been sleeping on the sofa for two hours for most afternoonsthe last five months. She also went back to work at the gym six weeks after giving birth, which in hindsight was a massive mistake. But she wanted to get back in shape (you wouldn't even believe she's had a child) and despite being stunning she is so insecure, covering herself in fake tan as she has pale skin, spending hours on her hair, nails etc and in the last six months she has had her eyebrows tatooed and her teeth whitened. She has a lot of emotional baggage from her past and family and i have now discovered that she has been taking cocaine (which I have never used and she has hidden) when she goes out drinking until 3am in the morning at weekends. We both like to socialise, but she has to go out every weekend now and I am happy to go out every now and then and spend time at home with our son. We bought our dream house 9 months ago which has been decorated to a high spec as we are gloing to spend the rest of our lives here, now she claims our whole reelationship is a sham, that she has been trying to leave me for years and that she is doing coke as she feels trapped. She is still doing it at weekends.Apparently I'm lazy and tight with money too, despite working saturdays for the past three years to support our son and buy the house etc.This is a girl I have been travelling with, loads of holidays and who threw me the biggest 40th party two years ago. we even had our son at home, planned. On Christmas Day we had a house full of guests, two days later a lad she knows told her thought they might have gone out together n the past (I've never not had to trust her) and she claims that made her realise she has never loved me and needs to find that special love. She also said she had a crush on him when she was 19 - she is now 35 - and ishe has regressed into a teenager, asking me questions like when did we last snog and that she needs butterflies in her stomach. She has filed for divorce and claims our whole relationship is a sham, which is ridiculous and i am so worried about her. but she hates me and after spending two months away she is back at home, but despite cooking me dinner, she is completely emotionaless, just staring at her iphone all day. i'm really worried about her and still love her as i know this is not the REAL her. but what has happened, could it be postnatal depression and the drugs, She won't talk to anyone doctor etc as this is all my fault, her family is so dysfunctional and all her friends want to do is get her back out partying again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!i

[EmilyJane86]

Oh dear I didn't want to read and run. I hope your okay and trying to be as civil as possible for your children. I'm afraid to say it sounds like she's having some kind of mid life crisis and is being very selfish. I would say she is looking for something more exciting in life perhaps you both have grown apart and she now wants different things. Give her space, however she doesn't sound like she's being very responsible as a mother acting the way she is. Does she want to take the kids with her? Cause I would encourage you to try and have them as it doesn't sound like she is up to it.

[bernieboy42]

Hi, no I'm definitely going for custody of our little boy if it comes to that. There have been no problems between us, life is more of a plod and boring, but that's called being parents - and it was HER decision to have a child. She is ruining our lives and however grim things are now, I know she is going to realise what she has done at some point. She is going to open mic nights and friending up the singers on FB and she even put herself on Match.com the other week - while living with me - and didn't admit she had a child. So worried and sure this is all related to having our little boy. Everybody is shocked that we have split up!

[catwithflowers]

Please, please, please re-write this with paragraphs OP. It's just too hard to read

[EmilyJane86]

OMG she sounds like somebody I know it's actually scary. I think she should leave the marital home if she wishes to behave in such a way. I know I will probably get a loaf of abuse for saying kick her out. Is she okay with the custody thing? I would let her go do what she wants. She may live to regret it she may not but surround yourself with the ppl that love and support you and carry on being a great dad

[VenusDeWillendorf]

I agree, you need paragraphs, I can't read a big block of text.

What I can gather, you need marriage guidance counselling, and mediation.

Hope it works out civilly between you both, but I wouldn't bank on being married for long- sounds like she's determined to end it with you.

Contact a mediator.

[bernieboy42]

Yes, she does want custody, she doesn't think the drugs are a problem, and expects me to buy her a flat as we have a good sized equity in the house, which is from the inheritance from my dead parents. She wants half 'because of all the shit I have put her through over the years'. She has just lost it! This woman who has always loved me to bits, suddenly bitter and twisted. Two months before she left on FB it was all pictures of me and my son saying how cute we are and how much she loves us. None of this makes any sense! And I can't kick her out - she is on the mortgage, but not paying me a penny towards running the house.

[RandomMess]

It does sound like she could be very unwell either physically or mentally/emotionally. Again could be the drug and alcohol abuse, or it could be that she is using them as props to cover up how she is really feeling/not coping.

[bernieboy42]

Totally agree RandomMess, could this be delayed postnatal depression that has been underlying for a while and has just exploded? She was talking about having another child on Christmas Day, which she has told other people, but that has always been her decision - no pressure from me!

[LaurieFairyCake]

Classic script for someone who's already found someone else

Distancing herself, rewriting the past to cope with the present.

[bernieboy42]

She DEFINITELY hasn't found anyone else - we are home together seven days a week - although she is hell bent on doing it now!

[gamerchick]

Sounds as if she has either had and it's ended or has somebody else.

[gamerchick]

It is classic script.. There are so many ways to cheat nowadays being in the same house most of the time just doesn't count anymore.

[bernieboy42]

Honestly, NO WAY! She goes out and comes back at same time, all sweaty in her gym gear and wouldn't meet somebody like that because of her insecurities about how she looks. If she had it would make all of this a lot easier to understand!

[Fairylea]

She's at the gym (supposedly) and goes out until 3 am sometimes. Plenty of time for her to cheat.

My ex husband left me for a girlfriend he found on Facebook that he had been with before me. He joined her as a friend, saw her one weekend when he went to stay with his mum and that was that - nearly 8 years of marriage down the pan.

I'm sure your wife is cheating. Everything you say sounds like it.

Very worrying about the cocaine use. Are you sure of this? How?

[bernieboy42]

She wasn't going out until 3am without me until all of this happened. She has admitted taking cocaine to me and other people have seen her do it.

[bernieboy42]

And she is at the gym, I know which classes she teaches and there is no gaps.

[mummytime]

I think she is cheating. Sorry but she will have plenty of time to hide it. There was someone here whose husband was not out at odd hours ever etc. she was sent home sick from work one day and found him in their bed with another woman. It had been going on from months, but they just got together in their lunch hours.

I would suggest you get legal advice ASAP and start getting the ball rolling.

[Fairenuff]

The bottom line is that she has told you she no longer loves you, is doubting whether she ever did and wants a divorce. I think you have to let her go.

You cannot 'heal' her, you cannot make her go to a gp or stop taking drugs or want to be with you. All you can do is what is best for yourself and your child.

See a solicitor to get some advice re the house and custody of your child.

Take her at her word. If she wants freedom, give it to her.

She may find that the grass is not greener. She may realise that she needs to seek medical help. She may realise that some counselling will help her. But she may not. She may go on to live a happy life alone or with someone else.

[Fairylea]

I think you have to agree to separate and see what happens. If the grass isn't greener she may well be desperate to come back - whether you SHOULD take her back is a different matter though. She sounds a bit of a loose cannon to be honest. Do you think you deserve the way she's treated you? Perhaps you deserve better. She doesn't sound very caring or loving.

What ground does she have for saying you are lazy and tight with money? Have an honest look at the relationship and see if you can work out anything that has gone wrong. Do you both have equal spending money? Share all finances etc? Do you both do as much round the house as it sounds like you are both working? I'm not picking holes, just trying to wonder whether anything is salvageable from this if you talked with your wife.

Having a first child is like throwing a grenade into a relationship even if you've been together 11 years. Your little one is still tiny. It seems like things have gone downhill from there. It could be pnd but it may not be. How have things been with the little one?

I think you have to accept that for now things may be over but maybe in time the way forward may be lots of honest communication.

[Buttercup27]

Please get your self a really good lawyer just in case and if possible evidence of her drug taking. It may seem horrible at the moment but you may need it to keep your little boy safe in the future.