Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

What are my rights

11 replies

Dinahlaura · 17/04/2014 19:37

I've been married for 7 years and we've been together for 10years. We have 3 children (8, 5 & 4) and we've been unhappy for over 3 years now. Things have got very bad over the last 18. Months with arguments now frequently infront of the kids. My husband is verbally abusive to me and it is now a regular thing for him to be drunk every night. He drinks in front of the children, at first becomes silly, contradicting any discipline I have in place with the kids; letting then stay up really late, watch unsuitable tv etc. they think he's their hero and when they finally go to sleep his silliness then becomes nastiness. We don't love each other, often tell each other so. I've asked him to leave but he just laughs and says he never will. He sent me I believe into early labour by knocking me out if the way of the fridge when i stupidly tried to stop him get another beer when he was so drunk. His drinking causes family arguments, his parents tell me they would never have him stay with them. He tells me that if I want a divorce then I've got to leave as he's not giving up the house or the kids. Then he tells me that if we split up we should sell the house and go our separate ways. I jump on that he backtracks and tells me he would rather burn the house down than let me keep it or get anything from it. I was the breadwinner , earning a huge salary and I got made redundant when my company knew I was pregnant with my third child. I've retrained and am now working in teaching and despite not earning anywhere near what I used to I like my job and it fits round the children's schooling. My husband is self employed, does a lot of cash work and has told be he won't pay any money for the kids at all. With my tax credits and my wages I could just about manage the mortgage and bills without him at all but I'm not sure how I can legally force him to leave. Arguments are starting to get physical, throwing things etc and whilst there's no physical violence, I'm sure he would never hit hit me, I think what is happening is disturbing enough for the children. He wanted me to work, I was a stay at home mum doing volunteer teaching when I was first made redundant, now I'm working again he moans constantly about having to take the kids to school (even though he can as he's self employed and we therefore save loads in breakfast clubs !) I don't love him, he reminds me constantly that we have no physical relationship and that it's not a marriage, he's right I don't want someone stinking of beer pawing me, I didn't when I was in my 20s and I certainly don't now I'm 40! I have tried to hint to the kids that we may split and my eldest gets really upset even though he always says it's nicer when daddy's not here there's no shouting! Friends and family say I'm happier when he's not around and that's so true. I bought the family car a few years back and it was then sold and we got another car in finance in his name, we sold that and then he bought another car which I drive. He tells me all the time that it is his car and he's taking it back! It's like he's taunting me! Saying things like "how are you getting to work tomorrow with no car then?!" Very silly but also horrid and demoralising. My wages pay the mortgage and my tax credits the bills, any money he gives me allows me to play catch up every month in my £2000 overdraft! When he gives me money he says I'm taking his money; what he earns is always his, he never thinks of money as ours / it's the family's like I've always done do I know there's little chance of any child maintenance but to be honest I don't care, I just want rid of him but am desperate to keep the house do there is continuity for my children. Advice please!!!!!

OP posts:
Meloria · 18/04/2014 15:42

Lots of issues here and a lot at stake so don't you think you'd be better off with some proper advice from a solicitor?

babybarrister · 21/04/2014 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dinahlaura · 26/04/2014 08:11

Absolutely, but don't want to waste loads of money being told yes I would have a chance getting the house and then a long drawn out battle ends up with me not getting it and the reality was there wasn't a hope at all! Was wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation and kept their family home. I know I can stay and we are both obligation to pay fir the house until children leave school, whilst our names remain on the mortgage that is; but know my husband will not leave, continue paying his share and be happy to receive a percentage of sale amount when house finally sold when kids leave. Also don't really want to be tied in to him in that art if I can help it!

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 26/04/2014 08:34

This may be a useful read

My friend kept the house with her dc - but her ex-h left initiated the split and left voluntarily. I'm not sure what the position is if he refuses to leave.

His drinking seems to be the major problem here- have you given him an ultimatum- Stop drinking or he leaves? I imagine this would just bring more verbal abuse, but being constantly drunk/throwing things around the children is terrible parenting -not a good environment for them to grow up in.

If you can reasonably afford the upkeep of the house on your salary, it would be reasonable for you and the children to stay there...but I think you'll have to prepare yourself for a fight. You need legal advice.

babybarrister · 26/04/2014 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariaJenny · 26/04/2014 10:48
  1. If you initiate divorce proceedings citing his unreasonable behaviour he cannot stop a divorce.
  2. If the divorce agreement in terms of finances means that you can buy out his share (whatever he is awarded) of the equity in the house then once that is a sealed consent order, mortgage transfer and property transfer done if he will not move out you can force him out,.
  3. If you cannot afford to buy him out and he cannot afford for you to even then IF and only if you get the children (which is not certain as he is at home and you aren't) then you could probably stay and the house sold when youngest is 18 or you cohabit or remarry.
  4. Biggest risk is that he paints himself as some kind of sainted house husband who does everything at home and that the status quo after divorce will be him at home with the children, you living elsewhere paying support. So take legal advice on that.
  5. If he is violent etc your solicitor may well be able to get him excluded from the house immediately with a non molestation order.
  6. If you can get him out you also need to agree in due course a financial settlement with each other. If he moves out he may want his half or more if he earns less of the house equity. I am not saying he will get it. My ex got 60% of our joint assets as I earned more. I was able to remortgage to pay him off.
Dinahlaura · 26/04/2014 20:42

Thanks for this, I do appreciate it. My husband does actually work though; he's a self employed builder, just drops the kids at school on his way to work as he can do this at 8:30 and I have to start work then. He earns more than me, I'm just conscious of the fact that he will only declare minimal earnings do that he doesn't have to pay anything etc. he's already told me he won't pay any money for the kids should we split and I'm sure he say he earns very little when declaring earnings for any financial settlement.

OP posts:
JessicaMary · 27/04/2014 08:34

It sounds then that the children will live with you and probably there will not be enough money for you each to own a home after the divorce. He will probably have to wait for his half of the equity in the house until the youngest child is 18 or you remarry unless it is such a large house the courts would require it be sold and split to buy two.

If you can get him off the mortgage and take that on (check with the lender under the new criteria for loans just out) then he will be free later to buy another home for when the children stay with him.

It is probably likely he will pay very little if anything if he is self employed. My ex pays nothing. However for us it is absolutely wonderful every day that he's not here so money issues are nothing compared to that. That is not the case with every family however. We can live on my income so we are okay.

Whilst he is still there try to get copies of everything relevant about his business - if he's a sole trader his accounts, if a company all the paperwork on that, his spending to prove his real income, his bank statements, each year's tax return which probably shows a very small declared income though so may not help you much, copies of any documents about his pension and any savings he might have.

inchoccyheaven · 28/04/2014 00:48

My stbxh refused to move out of our home and my solicitor said it would take 6 to 9 months to have him removed from property but it would be done if I wanted to stay in house as primary carer. I decided I couldn't wait that long as it was not doing any of us good living like it so moved into rented while waiting for him to buy me out.
It can be done it just takes time. Regarding maintenance csa will check with tax office what he has out as earnings and use that to calculate how much he should pay. Not sure how he can be forced if self employed but it must be common situation.
And of course the kids will be upset but it will be better for them not living in house like that long term.

JessicaMary · 28/04/2014 07:37

We stayed together for 7 pretty awful months whilst the divorce went through (I initiated the divorce - he did not want a divorce) and it was awful but I was glad I stayed in possession of the house and the children in their home. I do recommend it if you can endure the other person. it took 7 months from start to finish to divorce including house transfer to my name, remortgage in my name only, payment to him, decree nisi and decree absolute, no court hearings - we both had solicitors (I paid for both as I earn more) and a negotiated settlement which we negotiated ourselves so no extra cost there other than the background advice from our solicitors. He moved out a day after the money hit his bank account (after the financial consent order had been sealed by the court and remortgage and conveyancing all done).

paperlover42 · 01/05/2014 22:01

getting a divorce after 14 yrs, want to stay in house with daughters but i am not on mortgage, in my husbands name..how does that work please? can we stay here till youngest is 18 then sell the house?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread