Please excuse the lateness of this post, I just need to get this off my chest.
I think DH and I may have come to the end of the road, but I'm not sure what to do really....
Basic summary: been together 9 1/2 years. Got pregnant with our eldest after 3 years together, so moved in together so we could be a "proper" family. Had a few ups and downs due to postnatal depression and finances but managed to make it work. Got married after 7 years together. I had a missed miscarriage last year, and he was a twat, didn't seem remotely bothered and didn't come to any appointments with me. I was depressed for ages and me and DH rowed a lot. I was close to walking out but didn't for 2 reasons 1) our child 2) joint mortgage together. He doesn't know I was close to leaving.
Found out I'm pregnant again and despite it being a high risk pregnancy and having complications etc I seem to be well. However, the arguments have started again, sometimes minor ie) I haven't put the Hoover round. Biggest rows are about alcohol. Now DH is not an alcoholic, he goes out big time about once a month, but always ends up getting so drunk he's sick. This wakes up our child who screams and cries, DH accuses me of turning child against us, I end up in tears. Then escalates into a row of how he slogs his guts out for the family etc and I "just serve coffee" for a job. End up shouting at each other that were sick of this, but no one mentions ending it, though I feel we're both thinking it at the time. One of us ends up sleeping in the spare room, usually me as there is vomit in our room and I refuse to clear it up. Then he apologises and says it won't happen again, but it always does. End up arguing about trivial things a lot day to day, and some days we barely speak. Last time we were intimate was when I conceived and I'm half way through now. He doesn't even hug or kiss me now even though I try.
I've asked him if he still loves me and if he still wants to be with me and he says "stupid question" which isn't really an answer. Then I ask if he'd still be together if it wasn't for the kids and he doesn't answer. He's even taken his wedding ring off in rows recently and said "you might as well have this back if I'm such a monster" yet when I put it in my pocket he says "give it back"
Made more complicated by the fact we rely in his parents a lot for childcare and they live less than 5 minutes from us.
I just don't know what to do anymore, we're msking each other miserable being together but I think we'd be lonely / miserable apart as we've only ever been together.
If I was to leave him, what would happen financially? Neither could run the house without each other so would have to sell it. He would be able to run it temporarily until we got buyers. Would I get housing benefit if I moved out to a rented place even though I'm on a mortgage (whilst we tried to sell house)?
If I'm honest the finances are holding me back more from leaving than anything else, but also scared. Spent nearly a decade with this man and don't know what to do for the best. To the outside world we may have a perfect relationship but that's just not true.
Any insight to my ramblings / advice would be good.
Thanks x