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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How to support our friends who are separating.

20 replies

Owzat · 09/04/2014 15:36

My friend phoned me this morning very distressed. Her husband walked out last night after admitting to an affair. They have 3 children - the youngest is only 10 weeks old.

My husband and I have been very good friends with this couple for years. We were pals before any of us had children, and are firm friends - as are all our children. They were visiting us on Saturday for our eldest's birthday and neither me nor hubby had the slightest idea that anything was wrong.

Apparently our friend had been dissatisfied with his family life etc and started an affair with a young colleague when he went back to work after paternity leave - baby number 3 was just a week old :(

So, he is currently AWOL and she is in pieces looking after three children. She lives quite close to her parents who can help out with practical things so she does have support. We're in an awkward position as we are friends with both of them. Obviously, we want to help her and kids as they are all 'innocent' in this, but we're also worried about him as it's very out-of-the-blue, and out of character. Clearly having an affair is a really bad with of dealing with the pressures of parenthood but I can't help but wonder if he's depressed or having some sort of crisis.

We live about an hour's drive away from them so not on the doorstep for impromptu visits, but really would like to be available to help (?) with whatever is going to happen next.

OP posts:

Blithereens · 09/04/2014 15:44

Didn't someone just post recently saying this has happened to them? The details seem very familiar. If so your friend could be on here so tread carefully!

Original poster

Owzat · 09/04/2014 15:51

Yes I noticed that other post after I started this one! It's not the same people.

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JaneinReading · 09/04/2014 16:14

It's clear who is the bad guy. She should dump the baby and other children on him for 12 hours a day some weekends and through the night whilst she books into a nice hotel (or at least for 4 or 5 hours if she's still breastfeeding). That will soon dampen the ardour of him and his lover when his lover sees that time with him means 5am starts, 2 hours in the night holding the baby and clearing up sick whilst dealing with the other 2 children.

Hatsandcats · 09/04/2014 16:52

Depression or a crisis is of course possible but I imagine it's more likely he couldn't resist sex with someone else when the opportunity arose. Maybe I'm just a cynic. Has he left for the OW?

If you/your DH are close to them both you probably should check that he is ok. You can support them both without taking sides if you think he deserves it. I have to say my sympathy would lie with the wife and kids. Contact him and go from there ?

Original poster

Owzat · 09/04/2014 17:08

OW is very young and still lives at home. We doubt he'll be staying there at the moment, but as he won't answer texts or calls we don't know much really.

Both me and my DH have spoken to the wife and have offered unreserved sympathy and support - we will do anything we can to make her life easier as long as she needs us. Finding it hard not to take sides to be honest, as she is the wronged party and the children are victims too. We are angry/bemused at the husband's behaviour but also worried about him...

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Hatsandcats · 09/04/2014 17:28

If he is not answering calls perhaps he is angry or embarrassed that his affair has been revealed? Does he normally talk openly with you both or confide in you? I would extend the invitation to talk and keep the door open. You sound like lovely people by the way!

Original poster

Owzat · 09/04/2014 17:47

Yes hats, he does normally confide in us - especially with DH, which is why it's a shock to us that he didn't talk about how he was feeling etc before it all imploded. In fact we have been shoulders to cry on in the past when they talked about splitting up - this was years ago before marriage/kids/mortgage though, and they resolved it and have since appeared to be solid.

You're probably right about him being ashamed, so he should be! From what she was saying though, he isn't filled with remorse. We're just so shocked by it - honestly couldn't see this coming. I know I sound very naive right now :(

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JaneinReading · 09/04/2014 17:55

He will feel absolutely on a high, suffused with lust, thinking if everyone realised the feelings of true love I feel they would understand, I am meant to be with this young woman forever. His brain will be exploding with pleasure and love and he won't be able to realise because of the madness of love/lust how dreadful he is behaving (and how it will probably end in tears). He will think it was always planned in the stars that he and this youngster were meant to be together. If she lives with his parents she is going to be rather expensive to keep particularly once he is paying child support for 3 children, has given his wife the family house and is paying his ex wife regular maintenance for herself. He will have to camp out at his parents or live in a bed sit with no one to talk to most of the time and will have little to offer the young lover ( unless he has a lot of spare money to pay for two home). IN fact it might all die down when he realises the mess he is in and he may want to come back home. In the meantime he should be doing a lot of childcare and lots of boring domestic stuff for the children even though he's left to make him realise how hard life will be after divorce.

Original poster

Owzat · 09/04/2014 18:23

Jane - maybe, maybe

He has no parents and definitely no spare money so yes he will likely end up lonely and unhappy.

I feel so sad for all of them... :(

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Cabrinha · 09/04/2014 21:14

Honestly, I'd happily take sides and my advice would be to show your support by cutting him out of your lives completely.
Would you want her to be pally with girt husband if he cheated on you?
Depressed / crisis stuff is ridiculous. He's a selfish arsehole who couldn't resist chasing a young woman.
Who wants to stay friends with a cliché?

ElizaDolittle2 · 11/04/2014 09:54

You need to hear his side of the story, especially if this is out onf the blue. Often breakups aren't as cut and dried as you think.

JaneinReading · 11/04/2014 13:06

Indeed. This wife might have 4 lovers or beat him up every weekend or be an addict although that is extremely doubtful.

Original poster

Owzat · 11/04/2014 14:54

Update: DH has finally got a response from the husband. Nothing useful really, just said he was feeling very alone and not doing well. This was via text message as he still won't answer calls. Is this simply the realisation of the gravity of the situation now the shit has hit the fan, or something more complicated? (I'm beginning to suspect the former, but am really struggling to believe it's that simple...)

We're going to see the wife and kids on Monday, and I have been texting and calling her frequently. She's coping with the practicalities but is still completely bemused as well as feeling the inevitable hurt and anger.

I'm trying to tread very carefully rather than go in all guns blazing. I don't want to make it worse (for any potential reconcilliation, but more for the negotiations and childcare arrangements that will have to happen). Also, I know the eldest child will probably talk to us about it, and I don't want to speak badly of his dad to him.

He hasn't contacted her and hasn't been home or seen the children since he left, which is so unlike the person we know we thought we knew.

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JaneinReading · 11/04/2014 16:24

People change. My children's father was a very involved father when we were married, did more than I did in terms of house cleaning and children and then after virtually no contact. It's inexplicable and a huge big issue - that so many men leave and then don't want contact even with their children. It's incredibly difficult to comprehend if you love your children (although most men don't want no contact and hopeful the man involved here won't).

elastamum · 11/04/2014 16:30

My advice would be to continue to support and visit your friend and also to invite her to adult dinners and functions, not just see her with the kids.

One of the most hurtful things that happens to single women when their husbands leave is that they get 'struck off' the couples social circuit and no longer invited out to adult social events. It happened to me and to a number of other mums I know. It makes you realise who your friends are

itwillgetbettersoon · 11/04/2014 17:14

The text is classic - all about him etc. Nevermind that the wife has to continue looking after the children etc. she couldn't just run away. I don't think it is depression. The feeling sorry for himself is how he deals with the guilt - he is saying 'see I'm not that bad'.

I think you should give her the support. How will you feel otherwise when he turns up with his GF. It could be really difficult.

Hatsandcats · 11/04/2014 17:49

Feeling alone and not doing well, hmmm... If I'm being generous maybe he gave an honest response to a direct question from your DH about his well being. But that would be me being generous.

If the situation is as simple as an affair he might be trying to save his reputation with his friends. Fishing for sympathy perhaps? It's hard to be too angry with someone who is obviously hurting. So you remain friends and include the OW in future social events. He probably does feel really sorry for himself but as pp have said, what about his DW and kids, does he have any thoughts for them?

I would await further responses from him before making up my mind. It may be difficult however to maintain equal friendships with him and his DW in the future. Carry on supporting her. As long as she isn't bad mouthing him to the kids then there shouldn't be a problem mentioning dad to the eldest or deflecting any questions.

Original poster

Owzat · 11/04/2014 18:03

Thanks for the insights everyone. DH and I are fullt intending to support the wife and kids as much as we can. We are both really cross with the husband for his selfish, irresponsible, and utterly inconsiderate behaviour. We are very sad for the wife and the children and so desperately want to ease the pain.

I suppose the most difficult part for us is the shock and dismay that our good friend of many years could suddenly morph into this unrecognisable villain. I do have a history of being a bit of a pollyanna, so I'm probably just still in denial about the whole thing!

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Hatsandcats · 11/04/2014 18:15

It does sound like an awful situation, you can't be blamed for struggling to believe a good friend could behave so appallingly! This thread stuck in my mind, I think because the youngest child was so young, shocking really.

Original poster

Owzat · 11/04/2014 18:34

Hats - Yes, it is shocking. You would think that the "welcome back from PATERNITY leave" congratulations and handshakes would have rang an alarm bell or two hundred for him and for the OW!

I honestly would have never had him down as a bad-un. It's pretty depressing really :(

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