Separation to Divorce

[goldenwondercrisps]

Sorry this is a little long winded but I need some advice.

Just under 4 weeks ago my OH of 17 years indicated that he didn't want to be with me. Initially it was 'I love you but I need to get my head together and its not fair to ask you to wait'. Then less than a week later I was made to look and feel stupid as he says 'Of course its over, everyone knows that.' I didn't see it coming and I am still reeling emotionally. As for the reasons, all I get from OH is that it was my shouting and his drinking and he hasn't loved me for months.

I'm seeing a counsellor, which has helped a little bit. My GP has put me on anti-depressants.

Until last week, he was staying at the house 2-3 nights a week.He said that he could not afford to live elsewhere. It hurts physically and mentally to see him so during this time I have spent most evenings out or in my room. I have problems talking to him as I am so emotional.

Despite agreeing that we would take a few weeks to work out arrangements (we have 2 DC and a joint mortgage with little disposable income) as of Friday he has been to a solicitors and upon their advice he moved out permanently (him, but not his things). He advised this and the fact that he could get a divorce within 4 months via a mutual friend.

As mentioned above, I am still really emotional at the moment, I cannot believe this has happened. My head knows there is no going back to where we were but my heart wants what it wants.

The 'D' word has totally thrown me. I have had a look at various sites and am going to assume that he is going to go down the unreasonable behaviour route. But I don't think my behaviour was unreasonable. I believe in marriage for life and that a couple sorts their problems out - I never would have put him down as a quitter who would just walk away without talking, without trying. I feel he has rejected me, deserted me.

There is so much to sort out. I have a meeting with a mortgage advisor later today and a solicitor on Wednesday but I just want to put the brakes on this.

Should I consider agreeing to a divorce at this stage? Part of me feels like it is prolonging the inevitable but part of me just thinks that all this is a mad rush.

I think its good to get ball rolling with solicitor and get advice. why do you think he will petition for the divorce and why unreasonable behaviour?

I wanted to wait too for dust to settle after initial separation. I didn't want either of us to do anything in haste so I think you are right in that way. I did go and see a solicitor though. and it helped me to know my position .

going to be sorting divorce paperwork out over Easter some 6 months after he left.

Thanks minime. I really haven't got to grips with all this and had hoped that he would give me some time. I am so raw that I don't want to make any decisions that have an adverse effect on the kids. Or perhaps I am fooling myself that he will change him mind....

I don't think its wrong to wonder or even hope that he might change his mind. I know that's how I felt. I was so confused how he could throw away a happy little family unit.

but and I guess its a big one, from what I've seen since I've been on here and my own experience is he doesn't change his mind. and before u go rushing in its OK to grieve for the family u lost. and the future you thought u had.

and it is grief. its overwhelming sometimes. I turned a huge corner at the start of March with it all. I made peace with it. and to some extent him and his decision. you will too in time. those early days when its raw are so hard.

but I'm moving on with my life now more than my ex is! and I feel happy. the kids are adjusting and happy too. you and yours will as well but part of that is one thing u can't hurry-time.

He cannot force a divorce on you if you are not ready. He can file for it if he wants but you can sit on papers and refuse to sign. It took about 18 months for mine to be finalised. How old are your dcs? A court will not let anything go through until they have seen statement of arrangements and finances to look after them.

In terms of your dh changing his mind - it is possible once he realises what he's left. But also possible he'll enjoy the new freedom. You may find, like I did, that by the time he was asking me to take him back, I'd sorted my head out and there was just no way! Although tbf my XH left for another woman and was living with her!

Re leaving his stuff - mine also did this, the convenience of being able to move on, leaving you to sort out his mess! I black bagged and boxed my xhs after a couple of months and stuck it all in the garage. Some he came and took, some stayed there till we sold the house 2 years later, but at least it wasn't in my view and I could get on with life and make my home my own.

Good luck. Xxx

I had a very similar experience last year. I won't lie, its been a hard year. I find it easier when I don't see my husband. Unfortunately the kids need to see him so you need to be polite for that reason alone. That said, I suggest you get a punch bag so you can take your anger out on that once he's gone! One piece of advice, check the cost of a solicitor. I was very angry when my husband walked out and went striaght to a solicitor. My ex wouldn't agree to anything unless it was through his solicitor and it ended up costing me a fortune. I eventually decided to stop all proceedings and have sorted most things out myself. My husband will have to wait a long time if he thinks the divorce will happen.