The Good Divorce Club: leaving an addict with control issues

[whoover]

Forgive long post: I don't want to drip feed. Have NC as H could identify me from previous posts.

H and I unofficially separated a few years ago but have been living under same roof. Our relationship has been more or less amicable but there's no going back for either of us. He is a recovering addict and has been EA in the past. At his worst, he was very controlling and incredibly angry. He used to get cross if, for instance, I asked him to look after the dc while I went to the outhouse to put the laundry on - how mad is it that I had to ask? - and then would be cross later that he had no clean socks. That sounds so stupid, but every detail of my life was like that. He has also thrown away whole meals because they were 'disgusting', got cross with me when I woke up in front of telly and he was watching porn and I told him I didn't like it, held me accountable for everything that ever went wrong, seriously damaged the kitchen worktop with a carving knife. When the dc were tiny I wanted to leave because I didn't want them thinking it was ok to speak to a woman the way he spoke to me. This was all when he was at his worst.

He then entered a 12 step programme and his behaviour changed radically... He has been unrecognisable from the man I describe above: genuinely sharing responsibility for the dc and work around the house, trying to make amends for how he was in the past, etc. Everyone has commented on the difference. He has been 'clean' for a few years, but there were a few isolated crappy times when he has really let me down. The last time this happened I started making plans to leave but then he was admitted to hospital with major health issues (unrelated to his addiction and completely real and awful) and so I put my plans on hold. We've been together since university. 20 years. Half my life. Oh my God.

He wants us to continue to stay under the same roof because he was in the middle of a horrific divorce as a child and doesn't want our dc to have the same experience. We're currently renting, but he wants us to buy a house together to give the dc security. I agreed to this initially, but, sadly, I can see the signs of his addiction and controlling behaviour returning and I WILL NOT go back to walking on eggshells and I will not tie myself to him financially by getting a mortgage with him.

I'd love to have the dc with me all the time, but I realise that may not be possible.

I have some lovely friends in RL who being v supportive, but I turn to the good women of MN for advice on how to do separation well.

Sorry I don't have any specific advice re. separation. Just wanted to implore you to trust your intuition. It sounds like he's being manipulative (again!). If he wants your DCs to avoid an acrimonious separation he is going to have to take responsibility and be fair. Surely then any negative impact on your children will be minimised. P.s. Are you afraid of him? Good luck!

1. He cannot stop the divorce.
2. It might be sensible to start the divorce proceedings but use a Resolution solicitor (they take nothing to court so it saves fees and is more amicable. Let your husband see the draft divorce petition first so he can suggest changes - we did that on my divorce on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour and agreed some changes he wanted to have made).
3. I would not start to buy a property until you are fully divorced, decree absolute and also very important there is a sealed court consent order onthe finances. Decree absolute is not the same. You need that court order on the money side. Your solicitor can advise you. You will need to agree the terms with him - e.g. 50% split of all current assets with neither paying the other maintenance and children living with one of you and seeing the other would be common and maintenance paid for the children.
4. We lived together for the 7 months it took to finalise the divorce, decree absolute, property and money transfers and only after all that did he leave but he could not have stayed any longer.

It's not correct to say a Resolution lawyer never takes things to court - they do all the time! Some issues - with some people simply cannot be negotiated outside of the court arena.

Ah, you're right. May be that went then. I thought I remembered that they committed not to going to court and would cease acting if that occurred but looking at the website I cannot see that bold point, just that they try not to. That probably makes more sense as some times the other person just won't agree to pay a penny or wants 100% and won't be budged.

Thanks so much for your comments. Yes, I am trusting my intuition. I'm not afraid of him any more but since his behaviour has begun to revert, I've started to get tense around him and have to make sure I don't slip back into apologetic victim mode. It's so sad because there have been a few years where he's been so different... but I'm clear now that we need to live apart. Much as I want to be with my dc all the time, I suspect a 2 home 50/50 split is the way forward, but he works away a fair amount so I'm not sure how viable that is... Also if he goes back into full blown controlling mode it wouldn't be good for the dc to live with him half of the time. His addictive behaviours aren't dangerous to them iyswim, but he's awful when he's in the grip of it...

The hard thing is that he thinks it's fundamentally selfish to break up the family home and that we should put our needs second... and I have martyrish tendencies and hate to be considered selfish. But I'm very clear now that we have to live apart, get divorced, do the whole thing. And that isn't about selfishness, it's about doing the wise thing...

In our case the divorce was one of the best things every for the children never mind me. Sometimes the spouse is so awful or the marriage so bad everyone thrives after the divorce.

Most children don't live with parents 50/50 so unless you prefer it I don't think you'd find it imposed on you.

It sounds like HIS needs are being (partially) met by maintaining the status quo. Your needs are not being met and you deserve to be happy. Controlling people usually do so out of fear. He's afraid. That's a shame for him and perhaps you may want to reassure him that you will be a supportive friend (if that's what you want) but you are not responsible for him.

Acrimonious divorces screw children up. Divorces where the parents manage civility and agreement benefit children more than living in fearful, controlling & manipulative environments. They learn how relationships work from us. E.g. doormats and bullies...