Parents divorced over 20 years ago and mum not over it yet

[shebird]

My parents divorced over 20 years ago when I was in my late teens. I was old enough to realise that they were not happy together and although I was devastated when my Dad left I can see that they were not happy together. My mum has never got over it and has never moved on with her life. The divorce left her financially secure with the family home and enough money that she has never had to work. She is still bitter towards my Dad but I think secretly wishes he would come back. He has had a long term partner for many years now and seems happy so this is unlikely to happen. I just hate that she is still talks about why he left and keeps dragging up the past and sometimes takes things out on me because I remind her of him. It was so long ago - shouldn't she have moved on by now?

Yes but people aren't always up for what they 'should' do.

My Mother's still bitter about my father. I think mostly because he still has the power to hurt her children (my sister and I). You'd think, as proper grown ups and all, my sister and I could avoid this but every so often he manages it.

I agree there are no rules or guidelines for these situations. I am fortunate that we have had a good relationship with my Dad even if she does not, so there is no reason for bitterness on her children's behalf.

My thoughts exactly preciousbane. She worked part time for a few years but has not worked for about 10 years. She has friends some in the same position, some living abroad so she travels to see them and family a few times a year. She is very social and although there have been some relationships nothing ever came to much. I feel sad that she has not met someone as this might have helped her to move on but TBH I don't think she is actually over my dad so this will always be a barrier in other relationships.

And yes there is an awful lot of dwelling on the past this is what I don't understand after 20 years

My mother was similar, never got over it. She was alcoholic & I eventually realised that she was crazy. That she had lost sanity as I define it, and couldn't make rational decisions or judgements.

I know I sound harsh. But it helped me not get emotionally tangled in her attitudes.

I have learned to distance myself when she gets a bit down about it all. It's like a sort of self preservation I guess. She is always reminiscing about the times with my Dad with rose tinted glasses. He was a workaholic and we only saw him at weekends and even when he was around he was not the most hands on Dad or loving husband. She even still has some of his stuff at her house. I have offered to remove it but she insists she will get around to it herself. It's almost like a bereavement except he's still around.

I think all you can do is to support your Mum, no one knows the pain and trauma of separating from a loved one until it happens to them, the depth of pain is like nothing else.

I've just separated and the pain is raw however my pain has been going on for 2 years, that's how long it took us to seperate, why so long? because I loved her and was patient to her affairs.

This is the meaning of love, its nothing to do with sex:

Love is the stubborn mental attachment to someone that survives all ills, is tolerant, learning, and willing to change to keep a relationship alive.

I'm affraid that I won't get over my partner, God I hope that I can move on.

The pain can be so intense and deep.

Support you mum, she needs it, don't question her attitude,

Give her a big hug everytime she is down

My mum is still massively bitter about my father, and she's been remarried for 25 years!i don't know if she'll ever get over him having an affair. It's hard going and whilst I feel for her, I do think it isn't helpful to be so resentful.