Impending Divorce from a bully

[awishes]

Have reached the end of an appalling marriage and after having many free half hour visits to solicitors I am still really no further forward in understanding whether I would be allowed to stay in the family home. We have 2 children 16 and 12 and a small 4 bed house, mortgage is very affordable and stands at 10% of the value. We could not afford to buy 2 smaller homes from the proceeds and I am a low earner, due to being a SAHM for 10 years. There are some savings. I would happily give up any pension entitlement and share of savings for the opportunity to keep the children in our home for as long as possible. Has anyone been in a similar position recently who could offer me any hope? We are at an impasse, still living in the home, not speaking, horrible atmosphere for the children and I know I am going to have to make the next move. Thanks in anticipation.....

Don't act too quickly re the pension....you must look further ahead than the children's time at home. Sorry you've had such an awful time of it and someone will be along soon with good advice....if nobody does come, try posting in Legal....it's quite a lively section with many knowledgeable posters including Barristers!

I think you should be able to stay. Stop offering away your pension etc. though!

Thank you so much for replying, know what you mean about the pension but looking for a solution!

Happened to parents (though 30 years ago - so rules probably different). Mum was allowed to stay in the house (Dad left but still paid mortgage/bills etc) until the youngest DC was out of full time education.
Then family house was sold and she got about 75% of profit of everything - enough to buy a house outright and house all the DC's (who were all at work by then!). She did, however waive any future rights to his pension to get this amount, with no future claim on anything. Not sure if would be applicable today though.

thanks chilliqueenn - were you all ok in the end?

Sounds so much like my situation . Injustice don't know what to do. He told me on the past he would never let me have the house and would burn it down first

yes christmasclean I've had exactly the same said to me. never mind that it is his children's home :(
I don't know how to get him to leave us in peace and don't understand why anyone would want to cause so much misery to people that you once cared about.
I sincerely hope that all works out well for you - we should swap notes!

I've told my family what I need to do I now need to organise an appointment to see a solicitor. All I know is it is going to be a very ugly nasty time ahead.
Wishing you all the best and hope you find the peace you need

For what it's worth ...

Same situation, dds 15 and 14, terrible marriage, 16 years of coping with his bullying, manipulative, controlling manner which I thought would either get better or would be more secure environment for dds.

Saw a solicitor on Monday. Despite having bought the house before I married him, and despite him being 27 years my senior, (I'm 48), I would still have to sell the house we're in (which is in my maiden name) and give him half the proceeds. And he has two children (my age) from a previous marriage so chances are it would eventually be carved up four ways. Not even interested in his pension, although I don't have one of my own. Just want a roof over my head and some sort of half life. With as little disruption to the girls as possible.

The word despair doesn't even touch the sides. Hope you can find a solution awishes. Good luck

FWIW he can't make you leave the family home and you can't make him leave, so I was told. And as ours is a 'complicated' arrangement I was told the court/fees would be around 20k, plus I would need a barrister on top of that. Just wanted the house happy for a couple of years before the girls leave. Ha.

There are so many similar stories. My husband is manipulative a control freak a liar and a bad drink problem. He is close to the worst father ever. No family morals or paternal instinct at all . Why he doesn't leave is in peace is beyond me. It must be financial/house reasons. I don't want more I don't want revenge I don't want games or to win. I just want peace happiness and me and my two teens to have a normal healthy home life before they fly the nest. All I can do is start the ball rolling and take advice. I'm the only loser in all this. There are a lot of stereo types that are portrayed and shared by men about divorcing wives and the reality is so different.

I just don't get how someone can ruin a third of a person's life, any joy they could have with motherhood , create a toxic environment for their children and get paid for it. Money for bullying and isolating and draining someone of their friends, family and self respect.Something so wrong with the law. Not that I'm feeling bitter and twisted - really! Just so so sad that, like you say, there will be no good times with the children before they leave and their memories will be of an unhappy situation.

Yes it's very sad. And not to say traumatic

I'm so sad reading your comments, I don't understand why men don't have to provide for their children anymore (or women if they are the higher earner of course). The 50/50 starting off point is not fair if you are the lower earner or have given up work to have the children and therefore reduced your earning potential. I'm dreading the next few months. :(
I hope we all get through this.