I've been wanting to post for, well, years.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 13. We have 2 kids aged 4 and 6 and live abroad (we left the country in 2009). I was a health professional in the UK but have not worked since leaving. This was not through choice, but more due to visa restrictions and licensing issues in the country we live.
My husband and I have had issues for years. Our sex life has always been difficult, and now has completely burned out. We haven't had sex for over 2 1/2 years and in all honesty, I don't find him attractive anymore. Communication between us breaks down all the time and there are long periods of silence. We are rarely affectionate anymore. He is a GREAT father. A FANTASTIC father and a good provider. He does care about me. He says he loves me, but he puts his head in the sand about our problems. I have become more and more unhappy. I miss working and get depressed about our relationship. I have always had periods of depression, am in weekly therapy and had a year on anti-depressants. In my heart, I know this relationship is not working and will never work. We keep 'ending things' only to agree to try again 24 hours later. This cycle has been going on for around 2 years. I honestly don't think that I love him anymore. Not like I should and like he deserves. There is so much resentment and disappointment.
We are now in couples therapy and things reached a head the other day with my husband saying he 'was done'. I actually had a panic attack in the session. I couldn't breathe. Not because I don't want the marriage to end. I think it has to. But because I am so terrified of how I will cope and what we will do. My husband earns a good salary and we live in a fantastic neighborhood in the U.S. where our kids are very happy. Apart, however, we could not afford to live here. His salary would not stretch comfortably to two apartments plus I have no income. Retraining here so that I could work my old job would take around 5 years and cost thousands and I can't bear the thought of going back to an office job at the age of 40 nevermind the fact that any salary I could now earn would not support me and the kids. I have no confidence after being at home for the last 5 years and feel like nobody would give me second look at my age.
I don't want to return to England but feel like it's the only option. I love living here and it would break my heart to leave, but I don't know how I would manage alone. Plus I feel like if we're splitting up, I need my mum nearby, my old friends etc. My husband however, does not want to return and has said he would be really unhappy if we did. We have a house in London that me and the kids could live in and I could return to work within 6 months, although my salary, working for the NHS would be low. I really don't want to do it to the kids though. They've barely lived in the UK and although it's a great place to grow up, New York is their home and what they know, where their friends are. Plus my husband would have to get a job in the UK and who knows when and how that will happen.
He won't make the decision and is putting it in my lap. The pressure to do the right thing is immense. I am terrified of making a mistake and messing up everybody's lives. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I just didn't exist anymore.
I just wish someone could tell me it will be ok. That it will work out and I'll be ok. That the kids will be ok. That I might find love again someday. That the constant doubts and incessant negative chatter in my head will give way to some peace and happiness.
I'm sorry. I'm just feeling so hopeless about everything.
Hope somebody out there somewhere can offer some wisdom....