So I'm in a mess a really mess and I just don't know what to do....??
Help...
A year ago I left my husband.. We'd spent the previous 6 months arguing and things weren't pleasant. I felt so lonely but perhaps in hindsight I made myself distance myself...
So here's the thing we'd work long hours away from each other and perhaps see each other for an hour or two each day. I had been shown some attention by two different men.. The first I'd done project work with... Nothing ever happened but I got a thrill out of getting his emails... We were flirty and had lots in common... Then he went to Afghanistan and contact stopped in the mean time a much younger work colleague out of the blue started messaging me... We built up a friendship which became flirty again... Nothing ever happened... Just flirty messages... But again I craved the messages we would leave work and spend hours on the phone...
Both I suppose in hindsight were giving me attention that I hadn't had in a long time... It made me feel good about myself that I was desired...
I suppose me and my husband had had a difficult few years lots of family deaths...me breaking bones regularly... Then we'd tried for a baby whilst things were still good... That just didn't happen... He decided it was because he had a low sex drive and needed to loose weight and joined the gym... But after a few months... Weight loss... And almost an obsession... He became arrogant... He was rude to me... Calling me names... I just felt so low... And he didn't boost my confidence anymore but these other people did... He once told me I looked like Vanessa from Gavin and Stacy... That has stuck to me... As my weight had crept up and I was mortified...
He started doing faddy no carb diets and was so grumpy and mean... Nothing was his fault... He had an accident... It wasn't his fault... I became so mad with him... And decided after a variety of arguments including one where he wanted to see my phone... And obviously at the time the work colleague had been messaging me so I didn't think it was wise to show him...
Anyway I decided to move out... He knew where I was going and even helped me move in... I moved about an hour away... We said we'd still see each other on weekends but that turned into a disaster... We'd end up arguing... We tried counselling but I think in hindsight my head was so cross with him and I also suspect by this point my attentions were else where...
I did form a friendship when I moved with this work colleague and for a while it worked but then it became a bizarre friendship... We always argued... He'd do silly things that upset me and he's done this continuously for months now... I think it's fair to say that it is nipped in the bud... Worse thing is I think I actually feel for this chap... But as much as I do love him and care for him... I just know it would never work...
Anyway back to the husband... I suppose whilst I've lived here I've had other distractions... But he's had many opportunities to attempt to support or rekindle but just hasn't... That made me mad for a long time too...
I suppose as times gone on... My anger with him has faded... And I have seen him occasionally but he does seemed to have built a new life up... Without me which I suppose is understandable...
We met for the first time in ages yesterday and I thought things had gone quiet well we'd spoken about what we were up to and then when he got home he sent me a message..I'm home. It was lovely to see you and pleased that things are starting to look a bit more positive at work - new friends and opportunities etc :) I'm not sure where things stand with us anymore, but it feels like I'm rapidly becoming more of the past than the future. I know that you don't want to hurt my feelings and I don't want to make things any harder for you either which is why I didn't say anything earlier. I guess I just wanted one last day :)
For the first time in a year I now don't know what I want... Do I totally want a divorce... Now it's come to the crunch... It upset me and the thought of this has never upset me before...
I've always been quite adamant that that's what I wanted... But last night I genuinely didn't know...