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Do I give him ANOTHER chance

2 replies

Humbug77 · 06/07/2013 14:35

I've been with my HB for 17 years, since I was 16 and we have 3 Children of 10, 13 and 17 (he has raised my eldest as his own)
His good points are that he is funny, kind and most of the time hard working, he has never physically hurt me and he adores the kids.
His bad point is he is an addict.
At the beginning of our relationship I knew he took a fair amount of drugs, exstacy speed and coke, I dabbled a bit myself at the time but soon grew out of it at which point we split up for a few months. Things got out of control for him over this time and he ended up loosing his job which seemed to be the wake up call he needed, he got clean got his job back and we got back together. All was well for a few years, we had our first son then two years later our second and began planning our wedding. I dont know when it started but things gradually began to deteriorate as our wedding got closer, he was getting home later and later, going out more and more until about six weeks before we we're due to get married I'd had enough and told him the wedding was off and I wanted him to move out, I was convinced he was cheating on me which he constantly denied and I had no proof of yet I had to go with my gut, I knew something wasn't right. It soon transpired that he was not cheating on me but that he was hooked on cocaine. He moved back in with his parents and for a while went down hill, not seeing the kids very often, giving up his job until once again he hit rock bottom and started to turn thing around. When he was back on the straight and narrow he begged me to take him back swearing that he was finished with drugs forever and that he'd grown up and wanted to be the best husband and father he could be, after much soul searching and for the children and because I loved him I gave him another chance, that was about 8 years ago and while we've had our ups and downs things have generally been good. Over the last few years his drinking has been getting heavier and heavier, again it was a slow progression but for at least the past year I have really nagged at him about it and have pointed out that he is an alcoholic, some times he even agrees he is, it hasn't caused the end of our marriage as he is not a nasty drunk and while I have found it frustrating and upsetting I couldn't justify ending our relationship and hurting my children over it. At some point over the last year I became suspicious that it was more than drink, he sometimes had a funny smell or seemed far to drunk for the amount he'd had. I confronted him on more than one occasion and he laughed it off, what did I think he was on? what signs could I see ect he twisted things round and made me feel I was paranoid, and being unfair I googled lots of things and could find no drug that matched his behaviour, he hadn't lost weight, nothing fit but I still knew something wasn't right. Last weekend we went for a drink and on our way home he told me he had to drop off a quote for his boss which we bickered about on the way there ( he does a lot of this but doesnt get paid for it) he pulled up across the road from a well known dealer, walked across and went inside for a few seconds and I knew! when he got back in the car I went mental, he denied it and we argued all the way home, he gave me a complete load of various rubbish excuses for why hed been there and to justify lying and blaming me for having to lie, when we got out the car I told him to empty his pockets all the while watching and as he did he dropped something back in, I put my hand strait in and pulled out what turned out to be a lump of Crack. At this point he broke down and admitted hed been doing it for a while but not often and more recently less and less, he'd nearly totally stopped ect he'd wanted to tell me,he was sorry and blaming the drink for making him weak. I have told him that we are finished, I can never trust him again and I cant spend the rest of my life going round and round in the same circles, he is sleeping on the sofa as I dont want to tell the kids when they only have 3 weeks till the summer hols and I know its going to hit them really hard so would rather wait until they finish school so I can support them more. Every day since my husband has told me that it will never happen again that he loves me and that he'll do whatever it takes to make me trust him and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since then which is honestly a record for him. My head is telling me that in the long run he wont change and that it will happen again be it next month or in 10 years and the last time it happened I made it clear that if it ever happened again there would be no third chance but I do love him and I dont know if divorce is really the right thing to do? any advice/opinion would be greatly depreciated

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/07/2013 14:42

This might get more responses on The Relationships board, love

My take on it ?


probablyparanoid · 13/07/2013 11:22

This is a really horrible position for you to be in because you want to look after and nurture and maybe even rescue him . You know that he is going through a horrific experience and you have so much compassion and love for him and you are a good person who wants to help .

But you can have all that compassion and love and still walk away. And you should do that without guilt. Because you should not have to live with the stress of his addiction and nor should your children. You deserve stability and calm in your life and he cannot offer that.

Sadly I don't think that he will solve his addictions while in a relationship with you. Being part of a family and a couple and having that 'normality' allows him to maintain the pretense that he does not have a problem and can keep it all under control. That way he does not have to deal with the fact of his addiction. So staying in a relationship with you is probably keeping him in the addiction.

If he were to leave the family unit he will have to (eventually) face up to his problems and only then will be able to start to tackle them. He may then change but that could be a long time down the road.

Your risk is that he does eventually become the man that you want but it will be too late. But IMO you don't leave him he will never change in any event - you are kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't .

But you need to look at your and your children's needs now and in the next few years. A good marriage is one where there is an equal partnership. I think that it is very difficult to have a real partnership with someone who is in addiction because they are so wrapped up in themselves. You do need a true partnership. We have one life - choose the one that you want - don't settle for the one that you have been handed or found yourself in if it is not what you want for yourself and your children .

People who are in relationships with addicts often develop a co - dependent relationship - ie one where you are enabling the addition - supporting it - because somehow you need to 'rescue' that person. Please - that sounds rather blunt and might be offensive but I found when I looked deeply at my relationship with a man with mental health problems that I was an 'enabler' and working through that helped me to free myself a little. I found a book called 'co - dependent no more' - ( mostly about people who live with drug and alcohol dependent people) really useful - someone had recommended it on this site - I think that there are a lot of postings here on co dependent relationships . I would also suggest counselling with someone experienced with addiction. It will help you sort out your own feelings and to make your decision.

In the meantime - why not get him to leave right now and have a separation - get some breathing space for you and leave him to work out his problems for the time being. You don't have to see it as forever if you cannot do that right now.

One last thing - and I don't want to be preachy but do be careful because if he does not quite know what he is doing after taking drugs or drinking then one day he could leave drugs lying about or in his pocket where your children might find them.

I do wish you the best. Leaving someone and taking that decision is the hardest thing and feels like a huge responsibility and is worse when you are dealing with someone who is 'ill' because of the extra guilt. But you have one life to lead and you are not responsible for that person's problems.

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