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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex's new girlfriend introduced to DS

15 replies

emmab16 · 22/04/2013 15:01

My ex moved out in Jan (my choice) We were managing to get along ok until he borrowed my laptop in March, I got it back & found he had been on a dating website, had a new girlfriend & had also been on the dating website since 2008 when we had DS Angry

I told him I didn't want the kids to meet the new girlfriend, but a couple of weeks back, DS (4 yo) came home & said he'd met Daddy's cousin called x - I know he doesn't have a cousin called x. I was furious with my ex & told him, so now he refuses to speak to me/ text me & has now said I must only contact him by email.

He now he wants to change the arrangements with the children. Previously it was him to babysit every Mon & alternate Fridays, with alternate Sat/Sun staying at his Mum's house with the kids. Now he said things have changed & he doesn't want to come round Mon or Fri.

I don't want him to have the kids at the weekend as I know he'll ber seeing his girlfriend with them & I don't want to confuse my DS particularly as it is very early days for him & he obviosuly still wants us to get back together. I know my ex is being pig-headed but I wish he could see how hard he is making it for the kids by not seeing them very often :(

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 22/04/2013 16:25

I know it is really, really hard and hurtful that he is doing this. It is also too soon for the children, however, you can not stop him from introducing them to her and to prevent contact because of this would be unreasonable.
I say this as someone whose ExH moved out on the Friday and his first sleepover with OW with DD in his house was on the Wednesday!

HeySoulSister · 22/04/2013 16:47

So the real issue is he has reduced his time with them!?

Original poster
emmab16 · 22/04/2013 22:01

I guess there are 2 issues for me

He has reduced his time with them

He is confusing our very sensitive son who needs more time to understand what mummy & daddy being apart means.

Ds came back from his visit when he met the gf & said 'so is daddy moving back in with us?' He has no concept of what my ex is trying to explain to him & doesn't need to yet....

OP posts:
STIDW · 23/04/2013 00:20

I agree children need time to grieve for the loss of their parents' relationship. However there is very little that is more damaging to children than parental conflict and new partners can be potential minefield. The detrimental effects on the emotional welfare of children from the conflict is well documented and you can only makes things worse by making an issue about the relationship and trying to restrict contact. It's a case of the lesser of the evils. The children need at least one parent who can forgo the notion of "who is right and who is wrong" and act in their interests.

PenelopePitstop72 · 24/04/2013 23:01

Im so sorry to hear what youre going through. I have just been through something vaguely similar. my dh moving onto a new girlfriend within a couple of months of separation and wanting to spread the 'good' news of his new 'solid' relationship to our children. I have a serious issue with this. He secretly took my eldest(19) out and told her all about his new girlfriend, despite me asking him not to. sadly, she defended his action, based on the fact that i originally asked him to leave! Oh, well, perhaps, i should just have put up with his abusive ways for another 10 yearsof my life?? I dont think so. But i can forgive her, as she has been convinced by the heartfelt one sided story of a very manipulating man. Next, he pressed for dates to introduce our 5 year old daughter, but i did what i felt right, due to her fragile state of mind at the moment and told him it would not be happening for a long while. I will protect my girls like a lioness, given half a chance, and i think that its only right to follow this path, especially when one parent behaves in a misguided and selfish way which threatens their childrens well being, all because of a new romance. I took a stand by only allowing him to visit her within our home and take her out locally, and i stopped overnight visits whilst he showed such contempt for their well being. I could simply not trust him. I managed to keep this conflict from the girls and behaved civily to him in their company. i had their very best interests at heart at all times. He threatened me with lawyers etc but i stood my ground. If you do any research on the impact on children adjusting to separation/divorce, it takes them a very long while to work through the negative feelings of loss, anger, denial, acceptance etc and parents are strongly urged to avoid introducing new partners for a very long period as it is proven to damage children more. I for one, am watching a 5 year old struggle greatly to come to terms with her dad moving out, and im not standing by to watch him make her journey tougher. I met him away from the house/girls to discuss/deal with this contentious issue. i told him i want a morality clause built into our separation agreement as part of our separation. Im within rights to ask for this, as is he. how much use it will prove to be, is a whole other question, but it certainly got the message through how serious i felt on this matter. He fought me on it for a good bit, but ive calmly presented the facts and evidence. He has finally agreed. We will not introduce partners till the very least, we are divorced which will be around a year from now. Whether he'll keep his word, i cant say, but ive done my best for my children in a very difficult situation. My dd is now enjoying overnight visits again and is none the wiser to what went on. His 'solid' new relationship has since ended, leaving him with egg on his face, and proving my point that there was just no need to involve children in his private life in these early days/months. I might face this again whenever someone else turns his head, and i will behave in the same way again. We wouldnt let an outsider treat our children in a way that would damage them, or make their lifes tougher than necessary, so why should we accept it from a parent who acts only with self interest. I will continue to fight constructively and sensibly to protect my children in every way possible to me. I wish you strength in dealing with this horribly unfair situation he is placing you all in. I hope you can find an acceptable solution. You are doing the best that you can, in the face of adversity. Best of luck and god bless xx

Original poster
emmab16 · 26/04/2013 20:55

Thank you penelope i can totally sympathise........my MIL told me yesterday that my ex has moved in with his new girlfriend, which will make it tougher for the kids to see him, but at the moment he still won't contact me at all, so we can't even discuss it. I have asked him for a meeting so we can sit & talk this stuff through but he hasn't responded

OP posts:
Mother2many · 14/05/2013 15:23

Well, my X has gone through a few woman, including his 1st wife... and there was nothing I can do about it. His house, his rules, his life, still his children too.

My X won't ever communicate with me and it's been almost 8 yrs now (?), so not a chance he would to talk about his new partners...

Just be there for your son. Never bash him or his new partner.

jmho

BabyHMummy · 14/05/2013 15:36

To be honest if you asked him to leave then you really have no right to object to he meeting of gf. Sounds more like you are jealous that he has moved on so fast.

Being such early days of a new relationship isn't ideal, I wanted dp and I to have been together at least 6 months before I met his kids, he decided after 5 weeks hat it was time we met. But we are still together, expecting our own baby and the kids are brilliant with it all.

It sounds like your resistance has already caused him to reduce contact which is more harmful for Ur son. Why not just let it happen. Your son will be more hurt by not seeing his dad surely

tattychicken · 14/05/2013 16:00

BabyH. You sound nice. Sounds like you really put your partner's children first.

Ps This is sarcasm.

BabyHMummy · 14/05/2013 16:07

tatty I beg your pardon? How does not wanting to meet them til we had been together a while and knew pur relationship was sound mean I wasn't putting them first?

He forced the issue by springing it on me.I walked into to his house to find them there. It was not my choice.

Wind your neck in

tattychicken · 14/05/2013 16:51

Wow, you knew all that after 5 weeks? Amazing.

BabyHMummy · 14/05/2013 16:52

This reply has been deleted

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Wrenner · 14/05/2013 23:52

All I can say is that it must b a horrible situation and I feel for you. You don't sound jealous to me! It's adjusting isn't it and children need time to adjust. Try for the meeting face to face. Mediation?

awmoo · 21/06/2013 18:40

I'm in a similar situation where my ex has met someone else. I had an inkling that he had, as he completely lost interest in seeing the kids. (only 3 times this year so far and never phones them between visits) so came across GF on FB and started worrying about how children were to be told as communication between ex and me is somewhat strained.

decided to broach subject with my 14 yr old daughter and she informed me that they had already met her and she had been present on the last 3 visits and she felt as though she was expected by her father to keep it secret from me.

My poor 9 yr boy was actually told by his dad to not tell me about her. He had no choice about her being there and was too terrified to tell his dad that he did not want her there in case he started shouting at him. So, who is the one overwhelmed by guilt because he has had to go through this anguish on his own for months, certainly not his father who only managed a 60 second phone conversation on Fathers Day. Son phoned him and it was the first time they had spoken for 6 weeks.

Dont get the reason for making his kids lie ( and what kind of father encourages that behaviour anyway)

I'm over the moon he has someone else as that means I'm finally free so im certainly not jealous. I am just so angry that he dumped this woman on the children and never even considered the consequences of the emotional turmoil he threw them into. I should have been warned at the very least. Unfortunately he's not going to be very happy that the kids don't want her around so he will have to pay attention to them when (and if) he ever makes contact to see them again.

00ricecakes00 · 26/08/2013 10:16

PenelopePitstop72 I am about to start mediation with exh and am desperately trying to get him to agree that his access should be with him alone, not him and OW (who was very close friend of mine, till I found out end of July). ow spent the last year seriously messing with my head and undermining my confidence, so I do not trust her not to mess with dd9's head and do further damage. Can you provide links or direction to the evidence you presented to prove that it in child's best interest to not introduce new partners too soon. He feels as we have had to tell dd the basic facts before she goes back to school, as the children share the class, then he is fine to jump in to bring her along on access.
Thanks in anticipation

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