how to discuss finances when he won't?

[tiredlateandup]

I have been separated from my h for a year but he refuses to talk about finances. We both have some savings.

I live in the marital home with our 3 dcs, he is renting a flat. I have the dcs full time at the moment.

He seems to have stopped his direct debit on the bills (I'll find out about the mortgage tomorrow). I am not working at the moment and would find it hard to go back at the moment as the dcs are very young, and the youngest is still a baby.

He refuses to engage with any sort of conversation on finances, including refusing to respond to my solicitor.

What can I do? I don't wnat to be forced into selling the house because of his pigheadedness. I know he has more money in the bank than I do, and because I have the children and full responsibility ultimately (as he is v irresponsible generally), I want to keep some savings in case of emergencies. Obviously I'll use it if I have to, but I do't see why I should when he is spending his time and money partying and I am using it all for the dcs anyway.

Any words of wisdom?

Talk to your solicitor, explain that XH is determined to be unco-operative and that you want to proceed without his input. I am not a lawyer but I think there are ways of dealing with men like this ie a court will rule on what is going to happen, whether he likes it or not, and he might even find himself fined or arrested if he refuses to engage with the procedure. He's not the first man to think that he can have everything his own way by having a tantrum, and he won't be the first man to find out that he's wrong and will have to comply with the law.

thanks solidgoldbrass - I was hoping that that would be the answer. I've told my solicitor already and am just waiting to hear back from him.

I'm just also nervous about how much this is going to cost me in legal fees if he forces my hand and leaves me no option but to wrangle it out in court.

Do you think a court would order that I would have to go back to work as soon as possible? My youngest is only 10 months and there would be the dual problem of leaving the dcs with no parent at a vulnerable time in their lives and/or my salary not covering the costs of childcare..

i.e. I either try to find a well paid job, but that would mean focussing my time and attention on work, not the dcs

or I get a lower paid job, but this would be pointless as it would just cover the costs of childcare and leave nothing over for mortgage, bills and the rest of life..

Would the court have an opinion on this do you think?

I'm not a lawyer either, but am going through a sticky divorce and am a SAHM to 3yr old twins.

I've been told that the Judge would look very favourably upon me having tried to get some sort of work at this point, but that it would not be expected or demanded because my children are not school-aged. At the time I was told this my previously high-earning H was out of work and this was proving a very difficult part of our equation - he was and is trying to get 50:50 residency of the children despite having always worked long hours and me having always been the primary carer. I think a lot depends on what you'd like the outcome of the divorce to be and what your assets are too - if for example you'd need to have money post-divorce to pay for a mortgage and would like to stay in the marital home, then it could work in your favour to show that you would be able to sustain such an outcome by having found work.

I was in court last week for the first time, self-representing, and found the Judge to be extremely sensible (as you'd expect) - it was a huge relief.

The court can't order you to get a job, particularly in the present economic climate, and particularly given the age of your DC.

Was your H abusive, by the way? If that's why you ended the marriage you might find it helpful to talk to Women's Aid; abusive controlling men are often a particular nuisance around the time their partners have binned them and they might be able to give you more detailed advice.

If he is spending the savings and not responding I'm not sure but I think you can apply to court to get a stop put on his accounts. It may help focus his priorities somewhat.

Court can not order you to get a job, single mothers on benefits arn't expected to get a job until their child is in school!

I think you solicitor should be giving you the options here.

A court can't order someone returns to work but it can earning potential into account when considering your mortgage raising capabilities and sharing assets. However it's unlikely you will be expected to work if the children are under school age, although it may be better in the long term if you return to work as soon as is practical.

The longer someone is out of employment the harder it is to find a job, the more they fall behind in pay and promotion prospects and the less they can save for retirement.