Wife thinking of leaving me

[northernsurreydad]

Bit of a strange situation but it's really affecting me. My wife has decided that she 'doesn't feel the same way about me' and is thinking about us splitting up. We have two children of 8 and 6 and we have as far as I can tell, a happy life. The strange bit is that we both still get on really well, do things together as a couple, even sometimes still have sex, so I'm not sure what the problem actually is..!
We will have a really nice day out, or a nice night out and get on really well, and then in the morning she'll still say that there's no 'spark' and she doesn't feel anything for me. It's like a kick in the teeth.
I can't begin to work out how we would actually separate too if it came to it... I can't afford to move out and don't see why I should if it's my wife who wants out, and my wife only works 12hrs a week so she won't be able to move out either.
I just don't understand what's going on. She can be so distant sometimes, but other times is fine.
I used to be a happy go lucky confident person and am now having counselling and on ADs and sleeping pills because of this..
:-(

Sorry for your situation. It must be hard.

I think your wife is being a bit unfair on you tbh like giving you hope yet in the background its hovering over your head all the time. I think she needs (or you) to be straight and decide whether you work on your marriage or split and move on. You can;t just sit around indefinitely waiting for her to decide - look what it is doing to you and that has to have an effect on the children.

Does your wife any any idea of the reality of this? i dont mean to sound harsh but is she thinking that her life will just continue as is but without you in it? Clearly she needs to understand that financially things will be much harder, it is likely she will need to go back to work full time (i dont think spousal maintence is generally expected these days at least only for an interim period), she will not see the children for significant periods of time and the impact that has on them....and to all intents and purposes will go from working 12 hours a week and having the children to a full time working single mother - that is hard.

I think it is somewhat natural what she is feeling - its hard to keep that spark alive when you are a wife and mother and generally your own life is low down on priority list. I have been with my DH for 10 years now and have 2 DC 6 and 5 - i can see where she is coming from but i do still love my husband and respect him as a father and a husband. i just dont think its that same heart fluttering moments like when we first met. You know sometimes life just feels a bit 'dull'

I think you need to think clearly about what you want - and be clear to her what a split means. i know its a standard response on MN but have you both considered counselling? Maybe she feels she needs to fulfil her own life a bit more - maybe a course or new job or something that gives her her mojo back as an individual, rather than 'just' a wife and mother??

Hit the nail on the head with the 'live her own life a bit more' comment. She's going to start doing a course soon too... I've talked 'til I'm blue in the face about the financial side and how anything that we change at the moment will make it worse for the kids. As I say, it's not like we don't get on... She's a lot younger than me which may have a bearing but the gap has never been even noticed before, never mind been a problem.
I just don't know what she's trying to achieve, we have a good life, get on well and she accepts that we'll all 'lose out' if we split, but she also doesn't think that it's 'right' to stay in a relationship where she doesn't feel the same way about me any more..
I'm at a loss..

Hi northernsurreydad, sorry to hear you are in this sorry position. I am in the same position (except of course it is my DH who has dropped the bombshell that he doesn't love me anymore, there's no 'spark' anymore). My DCs are 5 and 3 and I am devastated for them. I feel the same as you, I've talked till I am blue in the face but DH doesn't get how much all our lives will change due to his stupid midlife crisis and that our DCs' lives will always be that little bit poorer for it. :(

I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone your wife might have had a crush on or have feelings for which has caused her to come out with this. In January, DH and I had just ordered some new furniture for our house and also booked a Christmas holiday and in Feb, he dropped this bombshell and admitted there is someone at work that he has a 'connection' or 'spark' for. Though there's no physical affair and he claims they have not talked about their relationship or ours for that matter, I have no doubt it's these feelings he has developed for this person that has caused him to 'check out' of our marriage.

We have both agreed we will give it a couple of months, so we are having marriage counselling, going on dates and also planning some stuff with the family. But at the moment, I feel I am fighting a losing battle. I am almost resigned to us splitting as I think as long as he has these stupid 'blinkers' on, he will never fight for us. I am using the next few months to work on our family but also as a way of getting my head around us splitting up. It's horrible isn't it? All my dreams of us as a family and 10 years of marriage just gone down the drain like that. :( And my boys, my heart breaks every day for them.

Yeah, there is someone that she has a crush on. A mutual 'friend' who she talks to all the time - although they both insist they're just friends and that it would never go anywhere. I don't think that's the point though. I think the fact that she's talking to him speaks volumes in itself. I'm not ready mentally to split up though - and like you I feel so bad for our kids.. What is she thinking she's doing????

Everyone around me is shocked by my DH's behaviour. I spoke to his mum today and she is appalled by her own son. She is questioning herself on whether she and my FIL brought him up right. I feel so bad for them that they have been dragged into this 'conflict'. My DH also insists there is no affair and the reason why he feels attracted to this colleague is because there are problems with us. Bulls*! She is the reason he 'checked out' of our marriage. I would recommend you reading 'Not "Just Friends"' by Shirley Glass. It might help you see things more clearly. I insisted my DH broke all contact with the other person. He had lunch with her that Monday after the weekend he told me the 'news' (firs time he said) and ended all contact. The fact he had to have that lunch told me volumes. :(

When did she tell you the 'news'? I feel like we are hanging on a very thin thread now. I personally think my DH is having a mid life crisis. But he, of course, cannot see it. I think it is in Shirley Glass talks about not making any rash move till at least 3 months post-affair discovery. Gosh, I am in week 3 and it feels like a damn long 3 weeks already! Short of some amazing epiphany, I cannot see us coming back from this. But then again, do I want my DH back after him pulling this 'stunt'? At the moment, the answer is no but I know life isn't that simple especially when kids are involved. Is there anything you can do to take your mind off things a bit? Try and do some stuff for yourself. I've started an exercise class and am going to try and do some running just so I know I am physically strong and able to deal with what lies ahead. Best of luck, keep posting, you are not the only one going through this.

We all go out as a 4some - yep - he's married too.. and I just noticed them getting closer and closer to each other. When I brought it up she said that they both had feelings for each other but had decided between them that they wouldn't pursue them out of 'respect' for me and his wife... But they still talk all the time..

But basically my situation is exactly the same as yours - apart from I definitely want her back - just want to shake her and show her what they're doing to two whole families! I'm scared shitless of being alone as well as I don't have many friends down south really - most of them are couples and will leave us by the wayside if we split...

They are not being 'respectful' in the slightest. In fact, they both are being so disrespectful to both you and the wife by sharing themselves emotionally with each other and effectively shutting the wife/husband out to the point of wanting to leave the marriage. And until they end their EA (emotional affair), there is no chance of you guys saving your marriage. I'm sorry. I'm sure someone will come along with better advice but seeing as I am in a similar situation myself, I can only empathise! :(

Hey, read this and thought how awfull. I get the impression she still loves you but is not in love with you anymore. When you have your nights or days out she enjoys it but then snaps back into reality once home and starts wanting more to happen with the other guy. My sister is doing the same with her partner at the moment and I could slap her for stringing him along. She tells me how she wants to escape her hum drum life as she calls it, then arranges nights out with him, giving him false hope that they are fine. Then she starts a random arguement over absolutely anything hoping that he dumps her so she isn't the bad person splitting the family up. I deapair with her to the point I jave no interest in her anymore. I hope this is resolved soon for you northernsurreydad and same for you angel1976, you both deserve better xxxx

She and this other man are both behaving very badly indeed. Do you know if this man's wife is aware of the EA?

Yeah, she is.. But she feels that she has no place to confront it as she had an affair herself a few years ago!

What a mess.....

Yes, what a mess...

All I can think of to suggest is to ask her to attend counselling with you and hope that the counsellor will help her to consider whether regularly seeing this man is really helping her decide if she should stay or go, or clouding her judgement.

Have to go and nag some children about some homework now.

Your wife is having an emotional affair

I am afraid the only thing that will shock her out of it is loss

Of you, of her family unit, of her self respect and the respect of others

Stop keeping her grubby little secret at your own expense

Doormats are not sexually attractive, I am afraid. You need to grow some balls. If you end up pushing her away, so be it, because you wouldn't want her to stay with you out of pity. Would you ?

I think YOU need to take some control otherwise this will drag on until she meets someone else, falls head over heels, ups and leaves you anyway.

Go and seek legal advice about how things could end up re a financial settlement and the children's residency so you can see how things might be addressed. Maybe this will bring her to her senses in the cold light of day.

If she cannot or will not commit to you and the family unit, i'm afraid you might need to be the one to end it. If she does decide to stay she needs to cut off all contact with this man. Please dont put up with this shoddy behaviour from her.

Emotional affairs can be as bad, if not worse, than a physical affair.

I found out 8 months ago about my H's affair. Although they'd (allegedly) only slept together 2 nights in a hotel when H was on a business trip nearly 3 years go they'd had an online (FB and email) relationship for 3 years which continued until I found out. I read a lot of the conversations between them and to be honest, I think they are harder to cope with/live with than the knowledge that they slept together. I read conversations in which they both mocked me, refering to me as 'little wifey, what she doesn't know won't hurt her' and H said 'ha ha, I forgot I was married, tee hee'. I will never forgot those words. I lie awake at night going over the conversations in my head. I think I might have got past a one night stand but not the long drawn out EA (and there was a second woman he was having an intimate online relationship with).

You and I deserve better. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is bloody horrible. I know I need to go back to the dr and get ADs. I've tried not to but know I have to. When I found out about the affair I was referred to a neurologist for an urgent ct scan due to severe migraines that my dr was worried might have been an aneurism (sp?) Turns out it was the stress of what H had done. I've tried to live with it but can't.

Northernsurreydad would she go to counselling with you? Are you finding it helping you? (H and I went for 4 months together during which he constantly lied and denied his affair before finally admitting it) I then went for a few weeks on my own which I felt helpful but coudn't afford to keep going (and was bullied into stopping by H). Good luck.