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blackmail,bullying,harrasment from ex

25 replies

lovelytoes · 11/12/2012 14:23

im totally drained and fed up now of my stbexh.he is constantly txting me and demanding to see me over 'things'.there is nothing to talk about whatsoever our divorce is in process we have 3 adult children and no assets to split.the problem iswe have both been in a relationship since we split yet his has recently ended and since then he has been txting me and trying to cause trouble forme and my boyfriend.i do not answer his txts and this is not detering him 1 bit.he is now threatening that if i dont talk to him he will pay us a visit(we live 30 miles away).i am in contact with my kids so i know that he doesnt want to discuss any problems re:them.he has decided he is going to going to cause as much trouble as he can for me and my boyfriend as he says in his txts its 'payback time'.his txts are abusive.threatening and distressing for me.i have thought about contacting the police but i wont for the sake of our children as they dont know what he has been doing and i dont want them to either.i just want him to stop but dont know how to get him to.please help!!!

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peppapigpants · 11/12/2012 18:57

Tell the police. I have been in a similar situation and they were very helpful. They will take a statement from you, and give him a harassment warning. You do not need to involve your children and I cannot believe that they would want their mother to suffer this harassment, if they were aware. You know them well enough, surely they will support you if they become aware of it?

lovelytoes · 11/12/2012 20:44

ive been told that they cant do much as he could say i have edited the txts.i just want to say something to him that has power and meaning without it sounding threating as i dont want to provoke him.just want a peaceful life:'(.he uses our children to get to me.his latest stunt has upset me so much.we meet my kids on a saturday for lunch and then go to watch my grandson train for rugby.he has now decided he wants to go watch aswell even though he has never been interested before.this is the only opportunity i get to see my family because of the distance and work commitments.i think he has sabotaged the whole day.that is how vindictive he is.and i dont think a harrasment letter from the police will stop him.

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lovelytoes · 11/12/2012 20:48

he controlled my life during our marriage and since our seperation i have been so happy but now feel as if he has taken control back and i dont know what to do anymore.

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peppapigpants · 11/12/2012 22:25

I get where you're coming from...I have avoided events I want to go to because exH is there. You're correct that watching the rugby doesn't constitute harassment and although it would be easy to say go anyway and just ignore him, I know it is not that simple. I still get panicky whenever I get a text or email (I banned him from calling me and he has observed that) and usually manage to avoid seeing him at all when dropping or collecting kids. It's been four years and we are both in new relationships but he can't seem to let go.

He will only get to you if you let him, though. Change your number or install a text blocker app. I have an email account just for exH to use, and now I don't even access it, DP reads the incoming mail, tells me what (if anything) I need to know, doesn't tell me all the accusations etc that are also contained in exH's messages, DP types and sends anything I want to say. I retain peace of mind and DP is an absolute star :)

lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 08:58

thanks for being so understanding.i will try to download an app that blocks his number.will he be aware that his messages are failing? im so angry with myself for letting him get to me and cause me so much anxiety.wish i could just switch off but its not that easy is it.:-(:-(:-(

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DoubleYew · 12/12/2012 09:03

Call Woman's Aid, they might be able to give some advice about how to deal with him. They are familiar with men like this.

prettybird · 12/12/2012 09:17

Get a cheap mobile and transfer your current number to that one. Keep it switched off as there's no reason for you to be in contact with ex (as you have adult children). Let him know that in future all contact will be via solicitors and that you won't be responding to his texts - but don't tell him you have a new number.

Buy a new sim/get a new number for your current phone. Tell your friends & family - but also tell them that you don't want the ex to have that number.

BTW - who told you that there was no point saving the messages as "you could have changed them"? Hmm In any event, having a phone full of unread but threatening messages would dispel that myth.

lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 10:39

such good advice.its made me feel a lot better:-):-):-).i cant afford solicitor at the moment but he wont know this!!!

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NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 12/12/2012 10:44

All good advice, I kept a cheap mobile in a rawer for my ex and went about my life with my new number.

I have a phone full of abuse but it cannot be used in court as like you say 'texts can be altered' which annoys the hell out of me.

I would also go down the contact me via Solicitor me only and block him from your life as much as possible.Good luck.

olgaga · 12/12/2012 11:57

I think if he is threatening to "come and pay you a visit" then you might want to speak to the NCDV helpline for advice.

There is more advice and links to various organisations (including Women's Aid and Rights of Women) to be found on the "Divorce and Separation" post on my blog here.

Good luck - I am sorry to hear about the rugby business but I think if your children are adults then it's fair enough for you to tell them what's happening and how he is behaving.

lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 12:02

omg ive just sent a msg to him saying"all future contact will be via my solicitor and i wil not be responding to any of his messages".i got 1 back saying ' whats name of your solicitor then?' wish he would hurry up and get another girlfriend as thats the only time he doesnt bother me.come to think of it he doesnt bother with his kids much either when hes occupied with girlfriend.

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lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 12:06

thank you olgaga for ur advice.i dont want to tell my chidren as it will look like im playing tit for tat.ive protected them for 25 years they have no idea what he was like during our would hurt them so much!!

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lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 12:10

i dont want them to take sides between me and their father.he is so manipulative and vindictive that he will make himself out to be the victim and rally support from the kids.

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timeforachangebaby · 12/12/2012 12:17

Call the police - he is preying on the fact he thinks you won't and raking advantage of the situation.

They are very helpful in situations like this.

timeforachangebaby · 12/12/2012 12:18

And don't reply - to anything - it just gives him ammo.

lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 12:23

i know exactly what he is doing!! i believe he is also wanting to drain my finances with solicitors fees as he is recently unemployed and knows my partner is in a well paid job(not that we could afford a solicitor atm).he also is aware i suffer from panic attacks and anxiety whichhave affected my health for years.not that he gave me much support when we were together!!

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NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 12/12/2012 12:35

I would still ignore him and contact the police, then he has to go get a Solicitor to see his Dc if he cannot do it in an amicable manner.

lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 12:45

thanks every one its good to know you are all here for me♥♥♥♥

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lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 12:46

oooops thats supposed to be lovehearts!!!

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timeforachangebaby · 12/12/2012 12:46

seriously you are letting him do this by inaction, take control back, call non emergency police number and start grabbing your life back

why pay a solicitor this is what the police are for!

prettybird · 12/12/2012 12:52

Are you not using a solicitor for your divorce? Presumably all that needs to be sorted is the remaining financials.

If you don't need any further contact with him as your kids are gown up, and your divorce is nearly finalised, then any additional contact is harassment. Go the police and complain that he is harassing you. Tell them he's said that his abusive text messages wouldn't be admissable, so you'd like to leave the phone with them as evidence.

You have to stop worrying about your kids and start thinking about yourself. They don't need to be told - but he needs to be stopped.

If you're genuinely scared with his is going to pay you a threatening visit, then you need to place a marker that he has harassed you.

lovelytoes · 12/12/2012 13:41

im not using a solicitor as he is divorcing me on 2 yr seperation.i just hope he now follows it through as that was all done when he was with his girlfriend.

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Whistlingwaves · 12/12/2012 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prettybird · 12/12/2012 14:57

If there are no assets to split, then you should start the proceedings and not rely on him doing so. That way, there will be no future need for you to have any further contact with him.

Good instructions here

Can you find a solicitor who would almost act as a "PO Box"? It'll cost you a wee bit - but unless he is expecting or needing a formal response, then you are not actually asking them to do any work.

butterflybee · 27/12/2012 10:36

I thought a solicitor would charge you £10 for each email they receive... this gets pretty expensive with my ex.

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