XH is going to be missing loads of weekends with kids

[Yogagirl17]

Split from my ex in January & have now signed a formal separation agreement. We have in writing that he has them overnight every Sunday night and alternate weekends on the Saturday as well. This can be "altered if both parents agree". But he's planned to go to a bunch of conferences in September and October which means he is going to miss 4 out of 5 weekends in a row and hasn't even bothered to check with me.

I feel this isn't fair to me or the kids.

At the moment we are just about maintaining a civil but extremely tense relationship and if simply tell him this isn't acceptable and he needs to sort it out it's going to start a huge row. I asked him about it weeks ago (not making any demands but just querying what exactly the arrangements were) and he still hasn't replied. Frankly, I would quite happily tell him I think he is (yet again) being a complete and utter fuckwit prick but every time we argue I get really stressed out and then the kids get upset....

So in the interests of diplomacy, how do I deal with this?

Yeah, except it's not getting me anywhere, he's still going to do whatever the fuck he likes

Well if he carries on being a prick about it then escalate it to a more formal footing, get your solicitor involved or something, he can't just decide you're having them whenever it suits him any more than you can just turn up and drop them on his doorstep if you fancy a weekend away.

Don't know how anyone achieves 'diplomacy' when dealing with someone like this, but then I suppose he was probably exactly like this when you were together? If he'd been capable of being considerate and unselfish you probably wouldn't be here would you?

He has plenty of time to sort his arrangements out, just stick to your guns and make sure he knows that if you say that you are unavailable on certain dates the children will be waiting outside his door for him. If he refuses to compromise then have the wording changed on your agreement to take out any possible changes to the routine.

Unfortunatley, at the end of the day he can just decide. I did check with my lawyer and he says childcare arrangements are the hardest thing to pin down, & that even though the language in our agreement is quite clear it's hard to enforce. Apparently even a court order can't force a parent to spend time with a child.

However, I have up until now been very accomodating whenever he wants to just "pop in" to see the kids....

He's just a miserable fucker who hides behind bullying, manipulative language.

I'm assuming he didn't replay to your final text.

I think all you can do now, if you're happy to fit with the dates he has ADVISED you about, is make plans for the other days when he will have the DCs so that you can honestly say a quick NO when he comes back with yet more dates. As you said upthread, he does have other childcare options you're all happy about and perhaps if those childcare options aren't so happy (time after time) they might persuade him of the error of his ways.

Can you liaise with his parents at all? Do they want to see the children?

Homebird - he did eventually reply to my emails, but only to say he would continue to "inform" me of his work commitments and that he appreciates my support as it pays the bills! Manipulative bastard.

No, I can't really liaise with his parents...well I could but it's all awkward at the moment. I don't speak to his dad at all now any more (the words apple and tree spring to mind). His mum is nice, we used to have a good relationship, but she's caught in the middle of all this and can't cope with the stress so our exchanges are pretty brief and cordial these days.

It's only manipulative it works. There will be a time when you look back at this and give a wry smile. Get focussed on getting a job so that he doesn't have financial power over you too.

How old are your children?

Also, what conferences run on a saturday?

So Yogagirl. What exciting plans are you making? Do you have friends in other towns you can spend some weekends with? What about your family? Are there any gorgeous specimens of arm candy desperate for their chance to spend time with you? Whatever you like doing, make plans with other people because it's much harder to cave in when he changes his plans without your AGREEMENT.

Oh, these conferences are always on at weekends. Unfortunately it is working because if he says he's not having the children then..he's not having the children. I can't just drop them on his doorstep.

Have lots of lovely friends to make plans with and I did have a lovely man briefly but we lived to far away to make it work (there was a whole thread on it in relationships) so at the moment I'm not only furious with my ex but a bit heartbroken as well.

So sorry your lovely man didn't work out. It sounds like you're feeling more than a little stuck.

I don't think you should be difficult about varying the arrangements and from everything you have said you're not being. I just think that for your own happiness and sanity you can't not make plans just because he might come up with a need for you to be childcare. And unless you at least once tell him that one of his date changes isn't possible nothing will change. Live your life, when the agreement says you are to be child free, and get yourself something to look forward to.

So when will he make up the lost time with the kids? Why does he have to do 4/5 ? You must be fuming (and I'm sorry that your romance was thwarted too). Keeping assertive in your messages is key and document everything to take tot he solicitor. It may help as you move to divorce.

Also, ask him for any other dates over the next 6 months. Can you get a caveat put in that you can only change 4 dates over a set 3 month period, to help provide the children with the security they need?