Partners wife has gone crazy...

[Capaccino]

I've never posted on anything like this before - but guess I'm really after some advice from people who have been through this, thoughts as a 3rd party as to what to do here. My partner finally left his wife of 16 years in January after the marriage had broken down. For nearly 2 years previous they had had separate bedrooms. They had tried to separate before but decided to give it a try for the sake of the children (who are now 14 and 11) but it simply didn't work. I know I only ever hear his side of the story but it seems she is a bully, abusive, controlling and not very nice.. she told him time and time again that she didn't want him and were it not for the children they would not be together. Life is short and he finally found the courage to leave. This was in fact after he had met me.. so I have no doubt that this made leaving easier but I honestly don't think I was the reason he left his wife. We are now 7 months on and he has just told her that he is in another relationship. She has continued to make his life a misery, stop him seeing the children, keeps saying she doesn't want the children, won't proceed with the divorce etc etc.. but now .. on hearing there is another woman involved she has scaled up. She is threatening to find out who I am and to come and harm me (she stalked his girlfriend previous to her to the point where the police had to get involved... and this was someone he had left for her!!!!). I have a 5 year old daughter and live alone with her. I am nervous at the best of times living alone and do not want to spend my life worried that a crazy ex-wife is going to come and harm me and my little girl. I feel trapped as I love him dearly.. have never felt like this and we are so so happy. I dream of a simple life with an extended family..but she has already started work on turning his children against him, saying he would rather spend time with me than them.. which simply is not true. It's all such a mess. I do feel for her.. but their marriage was over.. they were not happy at all. I have a husband from whom I separated at a similar time and we are totally civil.. we still eat together with our little girl sometimes and he can talk to me about his new relationship. Has anyone else any similar experiences or advice?? Thanks for reading.. sorry it was rather long!

Certainly not looking on this from a personal point of view as i have never been a scorned wife.

Me neither but I can see red flags all over this. The only reason is because this version of events is all one sided.

It's extemely niave to think that his version of events is going to be entirely correct. It's just his view, after all.

There is no hard truth here that his wife has said or done anything other than what he has told you op.

And, as has been pointed out, if his facts were entirely true he would not be leaving his children at the mercy of his crazy wife who has anger management problems.

That just does not ring true, whatever kind of spin you put on it.

Cappucino - not a new woman, the other woman.

And no, no comparable situation here.

why would someone that loves you tell you about threats that are so far unfounded - why wouldn't he have gone to the police instead and reported these threats rather than tell you? He knows you live alone with a 5 year old and he knows this will create a fear in you - are you sure that this woman has made these threats to him? Are you sure that over 14 years ago this woman stalked a previous gf?

If you are only a few months in, don't live together and aren't pregnant I think you should just leave. Don't wait until you have ties to this man.

If he is really serious about you he can wait until he is divorced, sorted access and has a new residence. If he can't wait he's just after sex an easy shag.

Yes we can do all of that... and I suppose deep inside that's what I know we need to do. To be honest - I think he would rather take a step back and sort his divorce out... if anything it is me that wants to move things on. I love him and have a number of people around me who are dying.. makes me see great value in happiness and not wasting time. I can picture the life I want - but know I need to accept that despite not really seeing why not, one is not always in control of their life as there are always others involved. I know his preferred route is to not involve me in his divorce since the marriage was over before I came along.. he doesn't want my arrival to cloud what had gone on before. I don't have any desire to live alone. Financially.. yes.. him living here would make it possible to keep my house... otherwise I will need to sell and downgrade. Not a huge problem.. I too am financially secure. Neither of us needs the other financially. Will take a leap backwards.. sell my house and be indepenant with my daughter.. he can continue his divorce.. can easily afford to rent a place in the meantime and I guess we take it slowly from there. Impatience on my part is probably what is at play here. Thanks anyway. Do find some comments on here written with quite a nasty tone.. maybe I'm paranoid too!

The thing is Cap, the marriage wasn't over before you came along was it. That's what he's telling you and that's what you want to hear. But, he was still living with his wife.

He cheated on her. He made arrangements to meet with you which he lied about to her. He hid his phone from her, or deleted his messages. He planned and prepared all this. He did that to her.

Two very close friends of mine did the same as you are doing. They were both already married when they met. Unhappliy married but not doing anything about it. They both thought the best option was to cheat and lie.

Eventually they did split from their partners and marry each other and guess what. Both couples struggled massively to trust their partners. They knew what the other had done before and how easily they could do it again.

One of the couples went on to have two children together and their marriage limped on for six years before they finally split. The other couple had three children together and lasted 15 years before he cheated on her and eventually left her for the ow.

Incidentally, he is now telling the ow all about his crazy ex-wife who is trying to take all his money and stop him seeing his kids. The same story he told his ex-wife when he left his first wife for her!

So, yes, this is the script

1. The marriage was over
2. We slept in separate rooms
3. She's nuts
4. She's taking me to the cleaners
5. She's stopping me seeing the children

Also, what are his motives for telling you all this about his wife

1. To make you believe she is crazy (which you do) so that he can discredit everything she says
2. To make you think you need him to protect you from her
3. Well, I can't really think of any reason why he would tell you all that.

You can believe what you want but I would not rush into anything. He needs to extricate himself from this first relationship before he gets involved with you.

If it helps, the ow like you, now exs second wife is as worn down now as I was. I suspect from court documents he used contact to cheat on her, hotels etc near me, not near her when her blew out kids for contact. Once again cheat always so.

I'm not seeing red flags in the situation you describe, OP, so much in in the single fact that you have posted to a bunch of strangers out of extreme anxiety. Your anxiety was generated by threats your boyfriend made about his wife's possible behaviour.

She hasn't made any threats to you; you've no way of knowing what she's capable of or has done in the past; you don't know her. All you have is his word that she is a severe threat to your safety.

Seeing it written down, doesn't it seem odd to you that you've become so scared of a woman you've never met or (afaik) spoken to? How was this anxiety generated in you? It looks very like manipulation to me, and a malicious form of it too.

Is there a script somewhere that all the cheating twunts follow? Because it looks like the OP's partner has gotten hold of it and he is playing his role to a tee.

OP, either you are utterly deluded or you and your partner totally deserve each other.

OP reading your most recent post that it is you who is hurrying things along, I'm wondering if he has told you all of this stuff about his wife to put the brakes on.

I just can't see many motivations for telling you all this that are in your interest IYSWIM.

'Quite wealthy'?

But living with his parents..
Have you seen his bank accounts?

I know his preferred route is to not involve me in his divorce since the marriage was over before I came along ..
His preferred route is to keep you quiet ecause he may be liable for his wife's legal costs if adultery is cited, because what he has done with you constitutes unreasonable behaviour since a marriage is over when the courts say it is and not before...

he doesn't want my arrival to cloud what had gone on before
He doesn't want to have your presence known to his wife as it would backfire spectacularly on him financially if she could prove you were on the scene before he divorced.

No doubt someone has told her he has a girlfriend and no doubt she now has what she needs for her solicitor to press ahead and take him to the cleaners. He is probably shitting himself. Hence the lies he has told you about her behaviour and state of mind.

You and your rational mind have parted company.

OP I've just re-read your OP and I see now that this man has told you that his wife behaved like a maniac towards his previous girlfriend and that police had to be involved.

Is that really likely? That this man set up a home and had DC with such a woman? That this man lived for 16 years with such a woman? That he has left his DC with such a woman?

I think the comments here may appear harsh but I believe they have been given out of genuine concern. Please do reflect on them.

The red flag for me is your need to not live alone and to rush this relationship. 8 months is no time at all and I just can't believe you know this man. I was in a similar position to you - single mum with a young daughter when I met DH, he had been separated a while and his ex was in the process of remarrying.

Despite falling for DH I made sure I took time to let the relationship develop - why the rush? It usually takes 2 years to know someone, there is no shortcut, time is essential as you need to go through the relationship stages - you are in the honeymoon stage and will be for at least a year.

Please don't rush this - you are in danger of making a mistake and your dd will be at a vulnerable age - completely aware of what has happened. I don't think you should move in together until his divorce is completely finalised.

I agree with WordFactory here -- the speed at which you want to so forward has necessitated the tales about the wife because open adultery will cost him.

Oh please. You have fallen for some of the oldest tricks in the book and for that I feel a bit sorry for you.

However the proud way in which you describe what you have done I can't quite work out? Is it naievity? Because you are the other woman and you 'partner' is someone elses husband.

You are seriously deluding yourself.

I expect your lovers wife is probably quite nice really espite the shit he's telling you.

Have a read of the relationship board here and familiarise yourself with 'the script' then dig your head out of the sand.

My Ex's adultery didn't cost him financially - I hionestly don't think it's relevant in divorce coursts any more - but he was embarassed to admit to his parents that he'd left me and the children for someone else, so he did The Script.

He even told my family The Script.

OP, I agree abaout the red flags here. This isn't going to end well for you, sadly.

Oh and your partner surely deserves a medal for being the sacrificing, silent husband of an abusive cunt of a wife for 16 whole years. I mean who does that really!

And I am sure he is filing for the PR of his children, being such a saint and all. Surely he can't allow his beloved DC to stay with that scary abusive wife of his. He should have ample evidence to prove her abuse in court, doesnt he.

And you being the lovely woman that you are can then play happy families with him and his DC. Problem solved.

Oh dear. A few more kids down the line and you are going to be the crazy ex, you know this right? You can't play happy families with someone who already has a family, this is what happens.

He didn't just leave his wife, you know. He walked out on his own children. He's having to tell his family, his friends, his work colleagues a whole load of shit stuff to explain away that particular character flaw.

'My wife is nuts' is the laziest one of all.

I am speaking from experience here, I'm afraid, but... she probably will hate you, and she will have good reason to hate you, in her head.
Whether the marriage was crap or not, it was her life. Her reality. She woke up every morning knowing who and where she was, in the family, and in society, even if it wasn't ideal.
Now, because of the relationship you have with her husband, her life has blown up in her face. Yet she will be expected to 'be strong', 'get over it', 'move on'. I have no doubt that she will do exactly that, but it won't happen in only 8 months.
Take someone's identity, they can go a bit crazy, because they are literally 'not themselves' any longer.
Sorry if harsh. Just another point of view to consider.

Dhs ex has never forgiven him fOr leaving her - despite her 2 year affair and years of telling him to get out.

She simply didn't think about what life would be really like - she also didn't factor in OM being a complete tosser.

She hates dh with a passion as she believes he defied her by insisting on seeing dscs (according to them). She sees the court orders put in place as her losing (again according to children).'

In about a months time, I am going to post our epic story.

You'd have to live it to believe it really - I cannot still believe that someone can be so cruel to their own children and oblivious to the pain they cause some and refuse to take any responsibility for the consequences of their own actions.

I was told by many a mumsnetter dh must have done something, he was lying, etc, despite the evidence

P.S. that doesn't mean she is going to harm you, but she has every right to be cross. Of course, you should stay alert in case of any adverse behaviour on her part, but you shouldn't really be too surprised that she is raving angry.

Despite the evidence of my own eyes and ears, but the events of the last few months have completely proved that the woman is absolutely beneath contempt and capable of sinking to depths normal people wouldn't think of - and use her children dreadfully in the process.

It only poisons you if you can't let go, doesn't it Furious ? She should work on it for her own sanity, cos it is a crap life being so bloody angry and obsessed with someone who no longer features in your life.
Life is complicated