Divorce 'on hold', and has been so for ages...

[LizzieJay]

I have been separated from my H for about 6 years. We have actually lived apart for 12 years (I took kids to live in the country whilst he stayed in London to work). Of course, our marriage didn't survive the separation and probably would not have done anyway. 3 kids - 21, 19 and 16. All been absolutely dreadful adolescents; really, really dreadful. It has been incredibly lonely, hard, demoralising, frightening and thankless bringing up 3 teenagers on my own, and I feel that I have failed them terribly. I have been in a truly wonderful (sadly, long distance) relationship with someone new for nearly 3 years now, and hope eventually to live with him.

I started divorce proceedings nearly 2 years ago. We then put it on 'hold' whilst I sold a rental property I had, for CGT reasons. My STBEX is not keen on divulging the financial bit for the divorce papers and would rather just make me an offer. He is incredibly intelligent but incredibly disorganised (I'm sure he has Asperger's), and has squirrelled away all sorts of savings, and has lots of belongings (like classic bikes) that are probably worth a few bob. I don't really want any of it, just enough to have a decent pension and money to buy a property.

My STBEX has recently retired (he's 10 years older than me, and is an 'older' dad). I think he's depressed. He just won't make me the offer. He wants to avoid solicitor costs as much as I do. I want him to come here and take over the youngest violent and abusive 'child' (boy) with whom he gets on well-ish (DD1 in Oz for a year+, DD2 at uni) and let me run off into the sunset with my new love. This sounds so selfish, having written it down, but I've finally found happiness, and want out. I can't be responsible for other people's depression and disorganisation (I've been putting up with it in teenage guise for so many years now)...

Any ideas how to move things on? Or just sit it out for yet another 2 years until DS finishes his 'A' levels. I could be dead by then.

My ex was un-co-operative, but kids were grown. On the advice of my solicitor I began legal proceedings for ancillary relief as it was the only way to get him to disclose and engage. He did not engage a sol, which made things harder, as he suggested things that could not be done, according to my sol. By this time we were actually divorced, as no dependant kids and miniscule pensions meant I could do this before settlement.

You may need to use a forensic accountant if stbx is hiding things. I kept costs down by doing all the accounting myself, and by thinking of possibilities then discussing with sol. I also carefully checked every letter she wrote before she sent it. My final bill was ~2.5K (for settlement), this included going to court but agreeing before First Appointment.

I also googled, particularly the Resolution site and a divorce forum, to learn in detail what might happen.

Hope this is not too garbled. All the best. Do PM if you want.

Thank you so much, SPC, for your advice. I definitely need to get back to researching how best to do this. I feel that, unlike so many other people instigating a divorce, they want custody of their kids etc etc. I don't. I want out. I've had enough. I don't know the implications of all this, from a financial point of view. We both have properties which we bought before we met. We have another 'family' home in which I live with 1/3 of the children. He is so disorganised, and when I say that, think of the TV programmes about people living in uncontrollable clutter, that I cannot see the day when he can leave his London home and come here and take over. I have put up with dreadful behaviour, disrespect, stealing, and abuse from my children, and the youngest (boy) is the most violent, to the point where I will not tolerate it any more, (although he is considerably calmer in the last 6 months than he has been in the last 3 years). I understand that my STBexH does not want to financially disclose: he is a private person and was 40 when we met, and accumulated lots of investments and bought lots of possibly valuable clapped out motorbikes, amongst other things. What he has, I think, to a great extent, is his and for our children to eventually inherit. I don't want to fleece him, but I haven't worked full time for 18 years, don't have much of a pension, and my job prospects at my age aren't brilliant. He just thinks, by putting his head in the sand, that it will all go away. Which is what I want to do... This divorce seems to be a complete non starter. Can I get divorced, and be emotionally free, without doing the financial settlement, and do that later? Every time I ring my solicitor it costs £50, so I just can't afford to ask.

You can get divorced without a financial settlement, although you may be left high and dry if he dies before a financial settlement is reached. You wouldn't then be a widow under his pension, or be entitled to a share of his pension (like you would if you deal with it on divorce). Also you'd have to fight your children for scraps from his estate.

It's your choice, though I wouldn't recommend it.

It was ok for me to do it as Collaborate says, as pensions were miniscule and priority was to divorce before either of my elderly parents died. Also our capital was jointly held in house and portfolio, so his death would not have been a problem (argh that sounds horrid) - although mine would!