My feed

to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.


Did anyone else have doubts?

5 replies

HeadsInAMuddle · 06/08/2012 00:14

Hi all, Ive been with my husband 12 years and married for 9, we have 3 children and over the past few months, Ive not been feeling the same, we decided a couple of months ago to make an effort but i think we have become like friends, hes a great man, hes loyal, idolises me, good dad, hard working, just a general nice guy but something is missing, in fact im not entirely sure it was ever really there if im honest. The last 2 times weve been intimate (a few nights ago and then 3 months before that, no lie) it was not happening for me, it felt so wrong, in fact afterwards i came downstairs and nearly cried (he wasnt aware)

Hes picked up on it and a couple of days ago brought the conversation up and i was honest and said i dunno what i want but i think we are like friends, we work well together with the kids and family roles etc but romatically theres no passion, we dont kiss, hardly cuddle and these are the things i miss

He has been looking at flats/houses to rent but today hes acting like nothings changed, hes abit quiet but no progress in giving us a break and finding somewhere to stay, hes asleep on the sofa now, i think im gonna leave him there when i go to bed to avoid the awkward 'where should i sleep question', he slept on the sofa last nite

Because hes quite sad and down I almost feel guilty and think 'maybe we can carry on like we are' but then i remember what sex is like and to me its not fair to keep him here, he needs someone who can love him the way he should be, he doesnt think this coz he thinks he will never love anyone as much as he loves me, hes always said he loves me more than i love him which breaks my heart, hes also said he knows hes not my mr right

Is it normal to have doubts after admitting things to each other and acknoledging things arent good, is it coz of the fear of the unknown or will i end up regretting letting him go, how do i come to these conclusions?

Im so confused! help

OP posts:
HeadsInAMuddle · 06/08/2012 11:32


OP posts:
Midwife99 · 06/08/2012 13:59

So sorry you're feeling this way. Are you really sure that you want to split? How about couples sex therapy first to really find out why things are like they are? I am on my 3rd divorce & all 3 husbands have been cruel & unkind & poor fathers so I can't help but wish for a loyal partner like yours. Is it salvageable?

HeadsInAMuddle · 06/08/2012 15:42

I dont know what I think and I dont know we can have space away when he has nowhere to stay, we havent got extra finances so cant get hotel rooms etc, the thing is we work really well together as a team with the kids and everyday routines etc but I dont like the intimate side of things and this is where the problem is, for years I have felt something for someone else and there is passion there, I havent had a massive affair or anything but have pushed the boundaries and kids the OM, Im not proud of it, we get really well but hes married with a kiddy too so we would think to get together

I think its hard to make a decision because my husband is a nice guy, if he was horrible then it would be a whole lot easier

Oh Im so confused, Im not good at making decisons at the best of times and this is just soo hard and to make it worse husband is acting like nothings wrong apart from hes sleeping on sofa

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 06/08/2012 18:06

I think your DH is probably terrified & so acting as if all is ok. The truth of it is you want someone else who isn't available anyway. The grass isn't greener & it's easy to get on well with someone without the humdrum of domestic life. For what it's worth I'd recommend stopping contact with OM & go to couples counselling with your DH. Then see how you feel.

junipergin · 08/08/2012 10:16

Hi OP, i could have almost written your post word for word, especially the part about i love you more than you love me. myself and my dp have finally decided to split, we are already sleeping in separate bedrooms (due to his snoring mostly). It's been getting to the point where we are arguing in front of the dcs alot and he swore he would never take it out on them so he has come to the conclusion it's over. Every time until now i have always relented as i feel sorry for him. It breaks my heart when he says he won't see his dc every day but i reminded him that i won't either. My dp on the other hand has been agressive, verbally abusive and cruel when things go wrong for him he has finally admitted this which is a big step and i have admitted that i am emotionally distant and not really supportive. Think we both deserve better or to be happy on our own. Think it's natural to be sad that things are changing or coming to an end but it's pointless to keep clinging on if nothing's there. I feel a failure for not be able to make it work.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.