How on earth do we separate when living under tge same roof?

[1973magpie]

I have recently come to the conclusion that I have come to the end of the road with h, I can no longer be with him as it is unhealthy for my children and myself.

We have discussed separation and he agrees that this for the best. He was (until he discussed the situation with his workmates) going to find somewhere else to live and we would go from there.

However, he has now decided that he will not move out until we have sold the house and split the equity, or until I buy him out. I am a sahm at the moment with three children (12, 5, and 3 years old) what can I do?

I was hoping we would be able to do this as amicably as possible, and that the children would be able to stay in their home to minimise disruption to their lives. He has now said he is only going to look out for himself, as noone else will, and basically tough for the rest of us.

Can he force me to sell the house? I have got an appointment with a solicitor soon, and obviously will ask her, but I'm worried about the effect this will have on the children and also how are we supposed to show separation if we are still living together? I feel like I'm stuck in some horrible limbo, and can't see a way out

The date of separation is something you agree between yourself. I lived with XDH for 14 months after we separated while waiting for the house to sell. So you are already Separated. As long as neither of you are going to dispute the date then what you actually do is fine, although I assume you are sleeping in a separate bedroom at least. It only matters if you are going to divorce on the basis of separation anyway. I think technically you should be living separately i.e. not sharing meals, doing laundry for each other. But basically it's up to you.

The situation with the house will depend on your finances and be complicated by you being a sahm and having preschoolers, but you do have to accept that while he does have financial responsibility to the children he doesn't have responsibility to finance you personally any more. Gather all the financial information you can before you go to the solicitor - realistic house value, equity, salaries, savings, pension pot, debts, whatever.

In the meantime, living with an XDP in a hostile situation is very very stressful. Batten down the hatches and see your solicitor asap.

Thank you for your reply.

I do understand that he is not financially responsible for me anymore, but I can't claim income support to support myself and the kids whilst we live together, so how do I show the dwp that we are seperated in this situation iyswim?

Also, I have no money to initiate divorce proceedings, but can't get legal aid because his wage is taken into account, so where do I go from here?

I guess the financial stuff will get sorted in the end, what really concerns me is how to stop this having a terrible effect on the children's lives, I thought we would be in agreement on at least trying not to make things harder for them

And if he wants house and everything sorted immediately, then I think I'll have to divorce him on the basis of his UB, and I was hoping we could do it on a mutual basis after two years separation. He says he won't sign papers if I state his UB as the reason , so goodness only knows what he expects me to do!

Legal Aid is based on your finances not his. I know this as I'm in a similar situation and that's the advice I receeved. Also, if the children will be staying with you full-time there's also a possibility that you will receive more than 50% of the house but best to ask your solicitor about that.

Thank you, it was my solicitor that said that legal aid look at previous 4 weeks income as such, so I would need to be claiming Income support for 4 weeks before trying for legal aid, is that wrong then?

You need to be actually on IS (i.e. been notified to that effect) to be passported to LA, but if you have no other income just go ahead and sign up.

If you get paid weekly it is based upon your previous weeks pay slip - or if paid monthly, the most recent months pay.

Thanks collaborate, I'm worried about claiming IS while he still lives here though, how can I prove we're separated iyswim? His only concession to the reality of us separating is to sleep on the sofa... I think he thinks he can force me to agree to sell the house by making life as difficult as possible and refusing to move out!

I claimed income support whilst living under the same roof as my ex. We had separate bedrooms and did nothing for each other (no washing, no cooking etc). We took it in turns to look after the children each weekend which meant on my weeks I got them up, dressed, sorted out activities, cooked and put them to bed). You also need to be financially separate i.e. he needs to be paying child maintenance to you for the children and you each need to split the bills 50/50. You must also have no joint accounts. You need to be this separate before you claim income support.

Be 100% honest with the people who at Jobcentre Plus. You will submit your paperwork and will then receive a letter inviting you for an interview with their Customer Compliance Team (it isn't as scary as it sounds). They will double check your information to make sure it is correct. You will then a few weeks later receive a decision.

My best advice would be to be tenacious. Know what you want, do your research and then double check with the relevant agencies anything you are unsure of. I found everything I needed online but there were many things which were misleading. I would sometimes get myself in a right pickle because there were be conflicting information. I was able to alleviate a lot of the pain by placing a phone call and double checking. Working with facts takes away a lot of fear.

Once you have income support you will automatically be entitled to Legal Aid and you can start the process of sorting the house out (I wasn't married to my ex so it was a different and I understand more difficult process).

Finally have faith that things will work out. You are in a tough spot and there are many things to sort out. It has taken me nearly two years but in that time I have claimed everything I am entitled to, fought and succeeded in keeping the house for myself and the kids. I have continued to study and I am now looking forward to this new phase of my life where I can heal and move on.

Don't forget also that you can claim child tax credits as a single person whilst you are both living under the same roof (I think they only backdate for a month now so don't delay). Again I was 100% honest with them and they took my word for it. Like I said before though, make your own enquiries too, that way you be working with facts that you have heard from the horses mouth which will make you feel much more secure.

Good luck!

Thanks Bartholomew, it just seems so overwhelming at times got so much to think about that I spin in circles and then don't know where to start

I think I will sit down and write a list of what to do and how once I've seen a solicitor, it's only a few days away, so won't make much difference now. Thanks for the pep talk I feel a bit more positive that I will come through this, and more importantly, our children will be happier at the end of all this.