Today we tell the kids. Hold my hand please!

[Shybairns]

I have an over whelming sense of doom and feel sick.

STBEXh moved out 3 months ago but has only been in his own place a week. We put off telling them till he had a house to show them.

They are 5 and 3. exh has come over to see them as much as possible. After work and both days of every weekend. But clearly he's not there when we get up every morning and he leaves in the evening at some point. Either before they get in bath or when I'm about to start story time.
DS 5 has asked a few times where Daddy is and why he's always going out. But I've been able to brush off the question easily.

So now there's no need to put it off and it feels like a massive deal. STBEXH and I argued last night and I really don't want to spend a weekend with him. But, putting the children first, we must remain calm and present a sort of united front.

Consider your hand held and squeezed. Been there. Worst day of my life. But you will survuve.

No experience but good luck......

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to protect them. I hope it goes as well as can be expected for you.

I always advise clients (was, until recently, a divorce lawyer), that the important thing is to tell them together and to reinforce how much you both love them. I think at 3 and 5 I wouldn't even say that you don't love each other any more, just that you have decided that you are going to live in different houses from now on.

Often, the child seems to absorb the info quite happily at the time, and will be enthusiastic about plans to have another bedroom, another set of toys etc but over the course of a few days and going into a couple of months will start to ask a lot of questions which you have to answer as honestly as you feel appropriate. You will probably be asked umpteen times the same question and keep answering consistently.

Be prepared for "bad" behaviour, the children may test the boundaries because they are feeling insecure and want to keep bouncing against the boundaries to make sure that they're still there. Often they will revert to bedwetting as well.

Keep everything as consistent as you can and make sure that there's a good, predictable routine for contact. Often children get very confused when there's no pattern of when they see their dad.

All the best, hope it works out.

Good luck. It will be fine. (((hugs)))

Mine found out 5 months ago, and are the same ages. They really took it very well and accepted it. I still get "I want my daddy" and "why doesn't daddy live here any more", but emotionally they are little troopers.

There was some little behaviour issues, but they have mostly gone now. What I did was tell my eldest's teacher and she watched out for her behaviour in school too and told me what was going on (a bit of regression and attention seeking), they also did "art therapy" in school with her (drawing and chatting about the picture), I think with that she just loved the attention, as it lasted 10 weeks of 1:1 with another adult. I have made sure they have lots of contact with other adults and they are enjoying that, as it is more stability.

Mine are unlucky, in that my X has not been good and has refused consistent, predictable contact either by phone or visit (it has been 5 weeks now can you fathom ), and he has not been answering their questions honestly and kindly about why he is not here anymore. But he has big ishoos. And it is out of my control.

But they are thriving, their home is calmer and happier, they have boundaries and structure, they see their extended family more and we are moving closer to my family in a few weeks. They are excited about changing schools and moving, but it has been gradual and they have had many months to adjust to the idea. My family are planning on rallying around and being stable, consistent other adults in their lives, which is a relief as the children need that desperately.

I was advised to say, mummy and daddy can't live together any more, but MUMMY LOVES YOU AND DADDY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH. And to be honest without too much complicated detail.

You also need to think about yourself. You do not need to spend a weekend with your x, or have him around in the evenings etc. Make sure you are happy with arrangements, as if you get stressed this will impact on the kids. It might be better to send dad out with kids for a few hours and not go along?

I'm also in the same boat. DH/Fuckwit moved out yesterday and our children are 5 and 3. I've told them for the time being he is working but need to think long and hard about how/what to tell them.
Mumblechum speaks sense but not sure I'm feeling sensible at the moment.

Good luck x

MOS have PM'd you.

Mine were similar ages, they are now 12 and 10 and have coped well. We both always let them know they have 2 patents that love them dearly and don't argue in front of them or use them as weapons. It's hard at times, but you will reap the rewards. We do school and important medical stuff jointly to, so the children see very clearly that we both care and are responsible for them. Be strong, you will be fine x

What a day! I am drained.

Ex came over and as we'd promised DS a toy as a reward for puting his uniform on by himself all week and for a good first school report. We all got in ex's car and went to Toys R Us. Then went for early lunch at MacDaonalds. Nice day for the kids so far. Kept thinking, that soon we'd be going home to break their hearts.

Once home ex and I had a quick chat about how to phrase it all.
Then we went in, turned off Scooby Do and began explaining.

They didn't burst into tears or anything. DS is worried he's going to miss Daddy. but he was easily comforted. DD accepted it happily (she's only 3)

We then all went to take a look at Daddy's new house. They enjoyed exploring and unwrapping all the toys EX had got them.
I tried to choke down a cup of tea but after about 20 mins I had to get out. He's 1 minute walk to the city centre so i walked out to the shops.
I got him a reed difuser from The White Company (I didn't like the smell of the house) and a New Home card. Wishing him every happiness in his new home. (Big of me I thought )
I also chose the kids a fluffy bath towel each to have there. (All with the cc I still have which he pays) I think I felt the need to have some input into the house. As my kids will be spending time there. I want them to be comfortable.

Any way we left and went back to Mummy's house to get the bikes and go to the park.
I was finished so left them there and cam home to cabbage for a bit.

DS got upset at tea time. And wanted my comfort.

They're bathed and in jammas now and will be off to bed shortly.

Not the worst day in history but certainly up there with the worst.

I hear you. Stay brave.

Wow sounds like you did amazingly, holding it together through such a tough day!
I hope you tlc yourself a bit now - you must be wiped out.

Wow shybairns - you are so grown up!