ex always pushing for more 'access'

[nobutts]

excuse the essay..need to vent and seek opinions...First of all. I'm glad that Exh is a part of my DCs life. For DCs sake but not mine. But that's divorce for with children...divorced for a year separated for 2 and a bit and over time he has become more civil. Initial agreement was splitting the weekends and this changed through pressure from him to him having every weekend. This became hard for me and DC as we weren't having 'normal' time together..i was the feeding clothing one and life was a rush. After compromise on both our parts we agreed that he has him every other weekend as well as 1day and night every third. I also ensure that i'm flexible with 'special' days, weeknight dinners and he takes him on holiday etc.

Thing is EXH can never relax and just when things are going well he always starts a new drama saying he wants DC more (and various other things). The explanation is always over emotional and dresses up his feelings with those of DC. He allows conversations with DC (5 yrs) when he spontaneously says he wants more time with him..well DC says a lot of things like he wants all the toys in the world and sometimes that he doesn't want to go to dad's but i maintain the" i know but you'll have lots of fun and that's the way it is..lots of time with me and lots with daddy.." etc. I think consistency is the most important thing.. ex however gives DC everything he wants..video games, endless cinema for films too old for him and allows these conversations where he says "i wish it was like that too etc". Every time he texts or something about this it always ends in us meeting and trying to be civil but he just doesn't listen to the needs of DC and doesn't see that it's HIS needs he's putting first..
I'm fed up of dreading the debates about it all, it's exhausting..how can i make him listen and just stick to what's best for DC..What are your experiences of this?

From what you said, he seems to see them a large amount. I can't identify with the wanting to spend time with the kids, as my x is quite happy to swan around being footloose and fancy free and it has been a month since he last he last saw them in person.... , and will be a good few weeks or longer until he does . All with very valid excuses.

But, the emotional stuff, that I do recognise. The putting his own emotional needs first, and transferring his needs onto the children; giving the kids everything they want, inconsistency.... and I really am not sure how to deal with it. It is a grown man behaving like a child tbh, and I have to restrain myself from being an adult man's 'parent'. So I would be interested to see how other people handle it. I think the way I am trying to cope with it at the moment, is to listen to what my boundaries are and go with that, and not play into the guilt tripping. No is a good answer.

Thanks daf. I find it exhausting having to plan and think about what i'm going to say to him to try and get him to listen each time. Of course each time his view is that i'm being selfish. Sorry your exh is so uninterested. It's heartbreaking when they're like that..i cannot understand it.

I don't understand it either.

He has issues. He seriously cannot see the harm he is doing to their relationship and thinks of himself as the perfect father, a somewhat narcissistic viewpoint given his input, of course he has the view that I am selfish too particularly if I try and put any boundaries down. And generally he makes a point of not listening to me.

I have been trying to encourage their relationship and been as flexible as I can, but he is "busy". But other than not having been able to have a break from the kids for 4 weeks, with none in sight, I am enjoying having control over my life. So there is an upside.

I have 3 exes now & 4 DCs. The first ex was totally selfish, moved to USA for over a year when we split & then to 400 miles away when he was forced to return by US immigration. He avoided maintenance & saw them once a year & now his boys are adults they never bother with him. 2nd ex does pay maintenance but the minimum & sees DD 2 nights a month to fit round his plans & will never accommodate me or any extra time. She enjoys it once she gets there but doesn't really talk about him & sometimes refuses to go because it's not regular enough. Recent 3rd ex is the opposite. Although he has treated me badly emotionally he bends over backwards to see his DD plus my DD from previous marriage (he brought her up from aged 3) & pays more than he is required to. If I want to change plans that's ok & he covers my work commitments & pays all my childcare costs. This is the ideal but unusual I know. Anyway what I would suggest is ignoring all emotional demands & drama & just agreeing a formal contact arrangement to avoid hassle & saying you don't want any more negotiations because it's unsettling for DC & that's that. Ignore further contact.