How do you break it to the children ?

[jen127]

Just that exactly I have a DS (9) and we need to inform him that we are in the process of separating.
I appreciate any advice given

Look at this:

www.resolution.org.uk/editorial.asp?page_id=181

Resolution's website has lots of useful advice.

Thanks

TX

Hi Jen127,

So sorry to read about what you're going through.

Not sure if you have already spoken to your son but here is some advice that I can give you:

• Choose the right time and place to speak with him. Preferably somewhere familiar with minimum distraction and a place where he can feel free to ask questions and get emotional if need be. Just before bed would really not be good as you don't want to leave him alone with his thoughts and questions so fresh in his mind

• If you and your future ex are both present when speaking with him, then please do agree before hand what you will tell him about why the separation is happening

• Have as much information to hand as possible because he might have plenty of questions including living arrangements, school, friends etc. or you might be surprised and he might not have any questions at all (they will come later though)

• Reassure him that it is not his fault and that you both love him dearly

• Be honest with him. If it's a trial separation then let him know if however it's permanent then let him know that too. Don't give him false hope

• Don't promise him anything at all - except continuous love:-). If you are not sure what the living arrangements will be i.e. if you will have to move or not, then let him know. Telling him that nothing will change while you know that this is not necessarily true will only complicate things further later on

Hope that helps - I have been through it twice (twice married and twice divorced).

Good luck Jen127

Soila

Thank you ! We have a family holiday planned and think jointly it is best to do it after this .

Hi Jen,

Great to hear you have a holiday coming up and that that you will be speaking with him jointly.

Can I suggest just one more thing? Giving it a few days - at least a week after the holiday to tell him. Only because you don't want the holiday memories to be blurred by the news. Actually I'm sure you'd already thought of that :-)

Take care.

Soila

Thanks Soila, that is a good point!

I went and visited my DD's head of school before we told her. He gave me some brilliant advice.

1. It is not the actual telling of the split that causes long term problems for children it is when they get drawn into the adult stuff.

1. Parents not making each other happy better to have two happy homes than one unhappy home.

1. Then mention the two sets of christmas and birthday presents along with maybe having some offer on the table that sugar coats the pill.

In our case DD is 8.5 years. ExH has given her a hamster this has really helped. She gets the two happy homes etc. I am very careful that she gets no adult stuff from me unfortunately despite school having expressed concerns ExH seems to think he knows better and within 3 days of moving out is taking DD to the OW house. Not much I can do about that.