Trailing spouse .. I feel so trapped

[msdragon]

Hi there,

I don't quite know where to turn...

Here is the background -
-Live in N America (major city; born and raised here); DH moved to Hong Kong several years ago to fulfill a lifelong dream (to return home). I stayed in the US because I had a great job I could not replicate there
-Married for six years; DH has lived abroad for four. We'd see each other every few months (I KNOW)
-New mum to a sweet three month old. Didn't know how much you could love another person until I laid eyes on my baby. Never thought I'd ever want kids but once I found out I was prego the mommy genes kicked in!
-Left my job when baby was born to move to Asia to be with DH
-DH recently took a new, more prominent role at a different company, more or less without talking it over with me (maybe because the employment terms basically tie him to newco, and to Asia, for the next few years)

Here is my problem -

• I am miserable at the thought of moving. Been crying every day. Feel so trapped being there away from friends and other family, and basically at the (financial) mercy of DH

-DH is super money focused. He knows I am very reluctantly moving to Asia and really doesn't want to "talk about it" (he cites being overloaded with stress from his new job, so there is no way I could discuss this with him without setting him off) -With that new job, it does not look like we'll be back to N America anytime soon (any conversations I have with DH about schooling for DC in N America are summarily dismissed)

UGH. What to do?

Hi there. Sorry you're feeling so unhappy. I live in another Asian city. My thoughts are: first, there are some advantages to life in HK with a small baby - firstly you'll be able to easily afford full-time 'help', so you are freed from domestic drudgery, and have on-tap babysitting for when you feel able to leave your DC, to go for a meal out or see a movie, go to an exercise class, etc. Also, it's easy to make friends as an expat, especially with small children, as the other mums are in a similar situation - also without their friends and families, so also open to making friends. Another advantage is that it's easy to do short-hop holidays to destinations like Thailand, Bali, etc.

But, and it's a big but, if you're really feeling utterly miserable at the thought of moving, and it's not just fear of moving out of the familiar, especially in your 'baby bubble', then you probably will be miserable in HK. In which case, you should seriously consider not going. It will put a huge pressure on your marriage if you resent him for taking you there.

I'm sorry if that's not much help.

I saw this post in the morning but wanted a chance to respond properly...

So you've got a new baby, you've stopped work (in a job you loved), moved county (and culture) and started living with your DH after a long distance relationship... Dear lord I'd be amazed if you weren't feeling stressed/unsettled/trapped! oh and you've come to Mecca of all trailing spouses as I loving refer to HK - we've been here since August so I know a bit how you feel.

My DH and I lived apart for 6 months before our first posting - I swear the first few months after we joined him were the toughest we faced as a couple. I was use to doing everything myself - he was use to making his own decisions - and that was just 6 months. You and your DH have to re-find your relationship - and not even your old one, a brand new one with a baby and all the implications of that plus trailing spouse.

And then HK - well 9 months down and I'm still not convinced (my DH loves it too!) but come join us on living overseas - there are a few of us and they helped me a lot. I was 2 years elsewhere in Asia and loved it, but HK I've struggled with. For me HK can be great for mums, lots of social stuff, lots of non working mums- it can also be cliche and competitive. If you end up with the a group of the latter, move on and try again - honestly there are normal, friendly and nice people out there.

And for school - the bad side is you need to sign up now with your baby tiny to get on waiting lists, The good side is its really hard to find a "bad" school here. But all this is the future.

After all that dump of information the one thing that worries me - and it's a big one - is the lack of communication, or willingness to acknowledge your concerns. Now back to my first point could just be he's out of the habit... Or could be he's an arse

But short term I'd recommend getting into the swing of HK (and some of us on the living overseas board can help) and see where things stand in a few months - once the baby is older, you've spent more time living together and you've got use to HK. If he is still not prepared to discuss then at least you know it's a decision based on him and your relationship and not on all the hundreds of other factors you've got going on at the moment

Good luck - and shout if I can help with anything!