Advice on divorce

[b111976]

Hi, I was hoping people may have some advice for me. My husband left me and our two children (2 and 6 mths) in March. Initially it was a fairly positive separation as he said he was going to sort himself out so that he could be a good Dad and partner. The last year and a bit had been difficult somehow I think having children created a crisis in my husband and he began drinking heavily, staying away and spending as little time with us as possible and became very verbally aggressive towards me, which he had been previously before we had children but I had left and he had been for some counselling and had said it was sorted out so we got back together. He also started to get angry with our toddler, not coping when she cried - he once drove irresponsibly and scared me as she was crying in the car - and he shouted at her for crying when she woke up and I was feeding our son.

There was quite a delay in him getting couselling help as he wouldnt go to an alcohol service referral which meant the community mental health team wouldnt see him. In the meantime he was on antidepressants which he said made him drink more and act in the ways that he did. Whilst i was pregnant I found text messages relating to sex and confronted him as it sounded like an affair and he said sorry he had been texting someone he met on an internet game. I found him lying outside on the grass one night...he woke up the dog who woke up our daughter and she was pointing at him saying 'Daddy down' I was really worried because of the mix of drink and antidepressants and his breathing was erratic NHS direct told me to check on him every hour. He didnt remember any of this in the morning and told me it was unnecessary and I heard him joking to a friend about the situation on the phone.

A couple of weeks after he left he decided that he was better. He had 5 counselling sessions with a low intervention counsellor. The relate cousellor we had seen seemed to think he would need to do a long piece of work but he didnt get on with her. He said he hadnt really been mentally ill and his reasons for leaving were mainly that he wasnt happy in the family home or with me. He would only consider coming back if I earnt the same amount as him, paid for myself (he wanted to keep his salary) stopped doing self employed work at the house and a number of other demands. I'm a musician and earn money mainly teaching instruments with some playing in concerts and events. He doesnt really like my music as he seems very sensitive to noise. He says we are 'transitional people' and are too different. He did agree to going to a marriage course day I found but after I had organised babysitting he said he had forgot and had arranged to go racing with his dad.

He had a temper outburst last week on one of his visits over a financial issue that he presupposed and became again very personally attacking...it becomes about everything that is me rather than the issue. It was really frustrating as I was late then for a recording and I couldnt play as well as I usually do as my mind was unsettled.

In many ways our home life is more peaceful now he isnt here. I dont have to walk on eggshells all the time or worry he will get angry and tear me apart verbally. He comes to visit the children and seems to spend more quality time with them than when he lived here when he mainly ignored them or got irritated by them. Though he is still very dismissive of our son and that makes me feel very sad for him. He says he didnt want him and I think he is angry with me for us having him...though it was both our decision at the time. At least I know that if I arrange to go for a run or go out somewhere I can get a babysitter and keep arrangements....he often changed his mind about looking after the children or would start to shout at me and I would get too upset to be able to go.

I asked him if he wanted to get divorced but he said he didnt feel ready for that yet, he's not sure what he wants. I feel increasingly annoyed as I feel I have tried to be understanding of his difficulties and then changing reasons and I really dont like giving up. But I just wonder if as he isnt going to have further counselling even if he did want to come back at some stage would it be wise? I dont like the feeling that he can just decide to come back and decide to have a family/relationship when he feels like it. Increasingly I'm just thinking he doesnt seem to value me in anyway. He commented last week that he needed more than just the kids and needed a partner like that too. I felt quite hurt as whilst I deeply love my children and do everything I can for them I also teach and play music, I'm studying psychology part time with the OU, enjoy running etc. I'm in reovery from an eating disorder and anxiety/depression but I've come a long way and was discharged this year after 5 years it seems that almost as I have got better he dislikes me more...or perhaps I have more of a sense of who I am and stand up for myself better.

I am starting to think I should file for divorce myself but the enormity of it frightens me. And am I doing the right thing for my children? How long have people waited to decide when to take steps to divorce?

I'm sorry for the length...it's probably still a fairly sketchy account
many thanks for reading

[SuzySheepSmellsNice]

So sorry you are in this horrible situation, but it seems that you know what you need to do. You can't let him decide when he can be arsed to be a husband and/or father, it would ruin your life and its not fair on the children. If you feel that it is over, speak to a solicitor and get things moving. Your children need stability and love. I'm not saying he shouldn't be in their lives, but they need you to be strong and do what's best for the three of you

[b111976]

Thank you that's really helpful :)

[Smokey16]

Hi
I would like advice about divorce, mainly that my husband is a police officer and can access his lump sum pension later this year. He said he has frozen this so I can't access this. Want to get the mediators involved. Is there another way to do this?