Quick advice needed - am in a dilemma.

[Codandchops]

Oh gosh - don't know how to ask this without it being a long message so am going to just give facts and ask for opinions.

Separated for 5 years
Still have a good/okay relationship with exH
ExH lives nearly 200 miles away but stats with us (in spare room) when working locally as he goes all over the country.
Our DS is 9 and autistic with ADHD so can be very hard work at times. Lives very much in the now of situations.

So last night DS wanted to sleep in my bed which he does most nights (separation anxiety which I am working on). I suggested DS and his Dad sleep together on the double sofa bed so DS still had a parent with him but I would get a night's sleep for once and the bed to myself.

It was a disaster, first of all DS woke me up "for a hug Mummy", no issue with that because it's just something he does, then he got into bed with me. I suggested he went downstairs to Daddy. ExH was by this time calling DS and asking him to come down which DS would not do. ExH got increasingly annoyed and came up - told DS to get out of my bed and either into his own or on the sofa bed. DS refused (he can be very stubborn) and kept up a whine (he is good at this). ExH then pulls DS out of bed and DS ends up lying on the floor crying after which exH exploded with "piss off with that attitude".
I blew up at exH and told him his words and behaviour were inappropriate. He calmed down and apologised to DS then spent ages patiently talking to him about being "nearly 10" and having to sleep in his bed "sooner or later". He then settled DS in his bed and went down to the sofa bed. DS played in his room until tired (00.30 but this is not unusual) and once he heard his Dad snoring he came in to my bed (as I knew he would).

I feel it's time that exH made other arrangements for when he works in this area as I don't feel able to cope with another night like last night. DS is not easy to manage always but I do cope with him ....and without blowing up.

ExH is here now - all he does when not working is sit at the table with his laptop. I don't feel he interacts with DS in any real meaningful way. The staying with us was supposed to make it better for DS and to give him time with both Mummy and Daddy but it's not right. And yet I fear the fallout of asking him to make other arrangements but it's the emotional conflict I fear - not exH if that makes sense. I know this is MY issue.

Was so cross with him last night though that I just feel something has to change now.

It's your home, and it's up to you whether you allow your ex to spend the night there...ASD/ADHD and dad's travels are not factors you need to consider.

I think you need to let go a bit. Your ex agreed to have him sleep with him to let you have a rest but then you obstructed his efforts. Ideally adults don't blow up at children but once in a while isn't going to cause irreparable harm.

Oh & when you say cope with him it sounds rather like code for let him get his own way. When do you envisage him sleeping on his own & not whining?

has your ex got tome alone with your son, without you around?
when was the last time you had a respite break?

First - let me say that I have no personal dealings with autism or ADHD, so what i am about to say may or may not be applicable or helpful.

You say ds sleeps with you most nights. Was this his habit when you/exH were still together? When did it become the routine at your home? Am I right in thinking that ds has been doing this for at least 5 years (since you and ex split) and possibly longer?

You say you are 'working on' your ds' separation anxiety. What exactly are you doing, and what progress has been made? I would think there may be some separation anxiety in the mix, but it is also your son's long term habit to sleep with you and I think it would be difficult to change at age 9 - even for a child without your son's issues.

Your ex was wrong to blow up, but we all make mistakes. But I don't think your ex is/was the problem. You are tired and want some sleep/respite - which is completely understandable. Tbh, think it was too big a leap for you to think ds would be able to suddenly sleep in a different room/different bed/with a different person.

Think you and your ex need to work together to come up with a strategy for getting your ds to sleep in his own room and in his own bed. Do it gradually, consistently and firmly. Hopefully someone here (or on the special needs board) can give you some practical solutions for how to work toward that goal.

Just a thought but your ExH may be thinking the same but not wanting to say anything. He sounds reasonable even if he can be hot headed - talk to him away from the home calmly and ask him his opinion it may not be a battle at all.... Like I say just a thought. Good luck