STBXH obstructing divorce because he wants me to talk to OW

[chocoraisin]

I can't quite believe what my H is asking of me. I have no idea what to respond (so far have ignored the request). Essentially, he is refusing to give me the address where he and OW live so that I can serve their divorce papers (I am naming her in the divorce). He wants me to understand that she feels a need to control the situation and is not prepared to allow me to know where they live.

I am 34 weeks pregnant, I discovered their affair when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I've not once contacted her, or done anything at all to cause them a problem - I don't have any desire to be nasty. I'm bewildered by their reluctance to move forward and allow me to file for divorce when H actually asked for the divorce months ago?

Anyway, he has now asked me to give my permission for OW to email me because she thinks she needs to open a dialogue with me and he wants ME to allay her fears.

I don't give a damn what she's scared of - she is living with my husband, having a sexual relationship with him while I'm pregnant with our second child and caring for our toddler. I have every right to name her in our divorce - it's happening because of their relationship. I don't see a single reason why I should allow her to contact me when her reason for obstructing the divorce is the imagined threat of harassment from me!!

Where do I go from here? Is this request as unbelievably unreasonable as I think it is? H is charming, manipulative, incredibly selfish and unable to empathise in any way. I can't work out if this is another way he is trying to railroad me into accepting their relationship (he wants her to have a role in our children's lives - I haven't even given birth to one of them yet). I feel trampled on and hurt, all I want is to get divorced and move on. But I want my divorce to reflect the truth - he is with her, it wasn't a random one night stand. She wants a place in my family FGS so yes, I want to name her!! I'm not crazy for thinking I have the right to do so am I? And she has no right to force herself on me in the meantime?

Help - I'm confused and tired and I just want to know how to respond :(

part of me thinks say yes, let her contact me, never reply and then use the email as evidence of their relationship in the papers. But I don't even know if you can do that? And I don't want to open myself up to her sending me emails all the time that upset me when I'm about to have a baby :(

God, she just wants your life, doesn't she?
Stepmother to your unborn baby? FFS.
How long has this affair actually been going on?

Only have contact via a solicitor but any emails or texts or any communication from either of them needs to be stored in case you need it in the future.

She may become bored once you and your H are divorced, or she may escalate, I think she is borderline bonkers OR your husband is telling you a load of rubbish and she never did or said any of this and he is just using her as an excuse to be a git..as you have said he is manipulative it may be that he is playing a game with both of you.

My exh refused to give me his address also, my solicitor said it was illegal for him to have dd without me knowing where she was. I got the address that way, I also served papers to his work address.
Can't believe the nerve of the other woman, let her email you, don't reply and print it off then add harassment into the divorce. Your in control of the proceedings not him and certainly not her !
Take it easy xxxx

Am very uneasy with the idea of this OW having care of your newborn - are you likely to breastfeed? That might help reduce her chances of having any length of time of care.
I'm sorry, I've gone all mother-tigress on your behalf - I'd go ballistic if it was me! (and I'm also currently pregnant which might be influencing my feelings somewhat!)

thanks everyone :) the affair began in Sept apparently, I fell pregnant late Oct. Didn't know about it until Jan.

I think more than anything I am just caught in a relentless cycle of what ifs and fear and wishing I could just know what my life will be like when this is all over. I can't begin to imagine how we will all move forward and manage to co-parent etc after all of this. I know my pregnancy hormones are making me more anxious too, but I feel like I'm losing my grip on what is unreasonable and what isn't on their part. In some ways I've normalised the shit they've put me through just so I can keep on going and keep on facilitating contact etc in the interim. There are no easy answers only questions and things I worry about. Until I find a way of making my boundaries clear, and enforcing them, I think I'm going to carry on feeling like I'm on a knife edge with everything which is just so utterly draining :(

its good to talk it out though. Thanks for listening and replying x

I think it might be easier if you didn't name her in the divorce. As you know, you don't have to, and it will be easier in the long run for you to argue that the minutiae of your divorce are between you and your STBX (and not her) if she's not named. You say you don't blame her - and you don't want to have to deal with her - so the answer's obvious I think.

You have been the epitome of reason all through this. I hope that those opt hat care about you will see this too.
Is serving the papers to them during lectures still an option as it is increasingly looking like that's what it is going to be.

I hope you have made your husband have an STD test and had one too if he were sleeping with both of you at once.

The trouble is however much people feel hurt most outsiders and advisers know that if you and he can agree things direct and try to stay businesslike but amicable and not do everything through lawyers which can cost a fortune and mean any money you both have goes to them, the better it will work long term.
Objectively long term it is better if she likes your children than not. I wonder how your husband has explained to her that after he and she got together you got pregnant by him. He can hardly argue to her that he never had sex with his wife. if she knows he can do that to her (and you) then presumably she knows he is likely to with someone else and that still doesn't put her off.
If they are living together are they living with her children?

She has no children, they are students - she's only 25. I've had tests but have no idea whether he/they bothered. As soon as I knew it was over for me :( God knows what she thinks. To any sane person their relationship seems a terrible mess as well, but there's no accounting for folk is there?

Do you think your stbxh has narcissism?
That may help explain some of his behaviour,but may not help you much help in your ongoing situation.

I am more or less convinced he has a personality disorder, yes. But have consigned it to the pile of useless and potentially upsetting things to obsess over. There are many, many things that make me think this may be the case. None of which change what I have to deal with though you're right. I did find a few helpful blogs though giving ideas on how to cope with going through divorce with an NPD ex.

"I have every right to name her in our divorce "

Actually, you don't. They can simply refuse to sign the papers.

And yes, it pissed me off too. If you're going to shag someone you know has a pregnant wife and (in my case) two small children at home then you really ought to be prepared to take the consequences.

It makes no difference in the end though.

I feel outrage on your behalf. What a nerve this OW has got. I wouldn't be doing anything to make her life easier. In fact I think I'd be telling them all communications to be done through solictors in future. She should be named and shamed.

Emails can be used. My ex refused to acknowledge papers (he denied it was over) but explained this in an email. The court ruled that it demonstrated the unreasonable behaviour I was divorcing him for. You just need to swear the email is genuine.

Ex still thinks we're married. Some people are just odd

If he contests that he has committed adultery (ie denies it) then you need evidence he has done it. If you cannot be bothered arguing over that then you just use unreasonable behaviour instead and you could name her in that if you wanted. No one sees what is named anyway so it's actually pretty unimportant except of course your own personal satisfaction.

Try not to think about the emotinoal things and concentrate on the practical eg do you have copies of his bank accounts - if he has any - sounds like he is a student, she is and she's 25 and perhaps you rent a house and there are very few assets in which case issues like who will pay the rents are most important.

Poor you As much as you might feel it is nfair it is easier not to name her as it is more likely to go through smoothly and cost you less in solicitors fees. And you absolutely shouldnt engage with her just because he wants you to. I didnt sue for costs either as we had agreed to split these between us, but some nice judge decided to award them against him anyway, which was a small moral victory

choco I can't believe it has been 20 weeks since you found out. You are doing so well. He is, still, being an unreasonable twat - but that was to be expected wasn't it :(

I agree that you need to name her, for your own peace of mind - and if she refuses to sign then so be it.

Speak to your solicitor tomorrow and see how that goes.

You have shown so much courage and strength through all they have thrown at you and you have maintained your dignity - all whilst being pregnant... you need to take a step back and acknowledge how well you are doing! x