Is remaining in the 'family home' BAD for children following a separation?

[piggeldy]

I am wondering whether anyone knows of any evidence to suggest that remaining in the family home is bad for children following a separation? In trying to think carefully about what are the best eventual living arrangements for our children (aged 6, 9, 13), it would be stating the obvious to say that stability and routine are important. I have been trying to make a case for having the children remain in the family home at least part of the time, with significant amounts of time living with their father in what will eventually be his new home (Note: I am not saying anything here about how much time which is obviously another thorny and complicated issue.).

He has been saying that everything he has read indicates that it is not a good idea for the children to stay in the family home - that instead, it is much better to sell the family home and have two new, separate homes. He says that it is much better for everyone involved - the children, the father, and the mother.

(Of course it makes sense to me that having two new homes would help to clarify boundaries - it would give the children, and parents, a fresh start without all of the associations - both good AND bad - that go along with the family home.)

I have not read anything like this anywhere, and so I am wondering whether I am missing the relevant literature.

Can anyone advise?

Thank you!

Politely ask him for reference sources as obviously you want to do the right thing by the children and if there is statistical evidence that what he is saying is true...........

My gut instinct is that he's playing on your emotions regarding the children to get what he wants.

Children need stability, and making extra unnecessary changes doesn't sound right to me.

I would be interested in reading his reference sources too, so if he is able to provide them please share.

I can't quote research, I'm afraid - and thinking about it, it's swings and roundabouts really.

When ExH and I split, I left the family home with the DCs - but we then had joint custody so they spent a significant part of their time with their father in the old house. It gave them security, at a time they desperately needed some security - BUT it also gave them the message that Mum left home, IYSWIM. Of course my place became home as well very quickly, but in that initial hideous stage it was very much that Mum had left. If we'd both moved to new places it may have actually been easier for them to process it all and to not assign blame (I didn't tell them for years about Ex's shenanigans which had caused me to leave).

I made sure my 2 dc stayed in the family home and my ex h moved out. We both decided that was the best for our c. They were also 10 & 14 at the time and didn't want to leave their home, friends and all that was considered safe and familiar to them. Though I was very adamant that I was staying also as the family home was my dream house and I loved it.
Ask your eldest c what they think about whether they want to stay or leave? I thought when we separated it was enough for my dc to cope with their df leaving without having anything else to consider.
In all honestly I think your ex is trying to pull the wool over your eyes as the arrangement he has suggested suits him!!!

These are all very helpful perspectives - thank you.

Again, I do not have any grounded evidence for this but it has been suggested to me that if one of the parents (in this case, me) stays in the family home, the kids might grow up interpreting the separation as 'Dad left Mom and us' instead of interpreting the separation as the result of a mutual decision, even if the kids spend a good proportion of their time living with the other parent in another home.

In this particular situation, it is the dad who has left the home AND who has been in other relationships, both in the present (at least part of the reason for his leaving) and in the past. I say this to contrast it with the situation of Hassled, above.

It has also been suggested to me that having the separation described to the children as the result of a mutual decision is meant to be better for the kids over the longer term, whatever the parents' true reasons or feelings about this might be. Any thoughts on this?

Asking for references from him is a good idea. If there are any, I will share them.

Any other thoughts or views?

Re the separation being described as a mutual decision - hard as it is to stomach, yes, I do think that's a good move. However much of a philandering cheating bastard your H is, he will always be their father. Having a good relationship with one's father is important. And however this split pans out, your kids are going to have a tough time of it - let them at least cling on to some delusion. You need to separate in your mind the cheating bastard with the parent - my Ex, at least, was a throughly shit husband but he has always been a very good father. With the benefit of a lot of hindsight (this all happened years ago - I've since remarried, had more DC etc) I'm very glad I never did or said anything to jeopardise my DCs' relationship with him. How he treated me was nothing to do with them - and now, he's actually a very good friend.

The truth will out - it always does - but let it come out when the dust has settled, when they've got their heads around the fact Mum and Dad are splitting. I did eventually tell my DCs - but they were able to hear it at that stage.

I read the relate book about children and divorce - it is very good.

It advocates that the children should be told it is a mutual decision and no blame should enter into it. The decision about who lives where and contact arrangements can also be presented as a mutual decision so avoiding the otherwise perhaps natural conclusion that the DC's might draw that 'daddy left us'.

I actually hate my family home and would rather move but my feeling is that it is best to disrupt the DC's as little as possible so staying in the family home is preferable. From a purely selfish perspective I also want to keep the house as I cannot face the idea of the hassle of moving and having to find another place - I know every bit of the work involved will be down to me.

I think your DH is trying to pull the emotional cords - insist on his giving you the sources so that you can read up too (and share with us :)). But I don't think the ultimate decision about where you will live and how you deal with contact and so on can be based on the latest research - it has to be based on your knowledge of your children and how they will react and deal with a move and the contact arrangements. Also the practical arrangements need to work for the parents as putting too much strain on them or if one parent feels unfairly treated will impact on the kids one way or another.

Been thinking further about this and in my own situation where I hope to remain the family home my worry is not that the DC's will think that daddy walked out on them but that wicked mummy threw daddy out. So I guess it could go either way and it really is a matter of how you you communicate it.

Speaking from the perspective of having been the child in this situation that last thing I would have wanted or needed when my parents split is to have has to lose my home and all the upheaval that goes with that.

He is yanking your chain.