Amicable separation, so why do I feel so awful?

[loveverona]

DH and I have jointly come to the decision to separate after 12 yrs of marriage as we have grown apart and no longer make each other happy. Want different things, etc. We went to Relate for 7-8 months and it really help us come to a decision. We have 3 DCs - 3, 6 and 9.

He has now found a flat down the road and is planning to move in 3- 4 weeks. Put deposit down today. Where before I was feeling this could be the start of the rest of my life, today I find myself feeling incredibly sad and wondering if this is the right thing.

Worried about telling our DCs - tonight our 9 yr old asked questions about if we are going to split up and `i told her that we don't make each other happy like we used to and that we probably could do with some time apart. She was brilliant and didn't get upset, but that's probably because I didn't say it was definitely happening. She was saying some really grown up things and is far more clued up than I realised (talked to friends whose parents have split).

Just came away thinking how could we do this to them, but then again I just don't think 'staying for the kids' is an option. I'm 40 and feel young.l I still have the chance of being happy again, I hope, eventually, although can't think where I'll meet anyone else.

Surely it's better to have a mummy and daddy who don't live together but are friends, than a mummy and daddy who argue alot of the time and aren't fundamentally happy?

[bjf1]

Oh God OP, I have just done same thing. It is truly shit, isn;t it?

[Worldwithwings]

OP & bjf1 it will get better. Even when it's amicable and the right thing it is excruciatingly painful in my experience. I separated from xh last year and the months after were filled with pain, fear and confusion. I was scared that the pain meant it was the wrong thing, that I should have stayed, that the kids would be harmed etc etc etc. But now, whilst its no bed of roses, it is much better. I feel calmer, I have made new separated friends, my DCs are thriving and I can see with absolute clarity why I needed out of my marriage & I can't believe I was in it for 13 years.

Hang on in there, take one day at a time. Cry to your friends & let them help you. It WILL get easier & open doors for new possibilities.

[loveverona]

Worldwithwings thank you! These are the stories I need to hear right now. SOme have said (and I have read) that separating is like a bereavement and I can completely identify with that feeling.

Although there isn't anyone else involved (on either side) and I personally do not want to be with anyone for a while, I am concerned that I won't meet someone and will end up one of these people who is on their own forever! But then I know many, many people go on to have happy relationships again eventually. I guess no one can tell you for sure and that's where I have to be grown up and accept that that is the case.

The thing is, I'm not one for online dating or singles groups and would love to meet someone more 'naturally' - through friends, work or a hobby. Saying all this, the most important thing is to get my life on track and into the new routine we will all find ourselves in and, as has been said, take one day at a time, for everybody.

It really helps to hear others' experiences, so thank you.

[loveverona]

bump

[loveverona]

If anyone has any other words of reassurance, I could really do with reading them right now. Thanks so much.

[chosenone]

Yep happened to me, or I made it happen in 2010 and reading your post made me get a sicky feeling I used to get then, a truly awful time, I feel for you. I hated telling the DC, my parents were very verbally disappointed and each time you tell someone, a neighbour or work colleague it seemed so overwhelming. But ultimately I knew it was right and soldiered on. We missed each other now and again and took a while to adapt, drunken sentimental texts and all sorts in the first few months. But I didn't keep rose tinted specs on he also annoyed me and reminded me why we did split. Now nearly 2 years later we're both in New relationships, the DC have settled amazingly into our co parenting set up and things are good. I still very occasionally have a moment where a memory will hit me, or I will wonder how it all went wrong but on the whole its fine. Just take every day as it comes expect some highs and lows, expect to miss him but focus on the future.

[loveverona]

Thank you chosenone, your message (and others') is so helpful. I'm having a good day today - sun shining always helps! - but there's such a sadness in the sense that this isn't what I wanted for my life. BUt then who does?!

It's so reassuring though that I'm my no means the only one to be going through this and to know that, like you, people do get through the difficult times and are able to be happy again.