My feed

to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.


Apparently I am just 'overreacting'.

15 replies

bjf1 · 16/05/2012 10:55

I have recently seperated from DH and have 3 young DCs.
Whilst we were together he never really got into the whole family thing. He never participated with his DCs at the weekends like other dads. He never helped around the house, and never offered to help pay for groceries, DCs clothes, shoes, etc.
Although he paid the mortgage, gas, electric etc, he did not have a stressful job....self employed so plenty of time off to play golf and football.
I was a full time SAHM, mainly because whenever I mentioned me getting a part time weekend or evening job, he moaned about the fact that he could not possibly cope with the inevitable childcare. So I decided to wait until youngest started school.
Anyway, final straw came when our TCs were cut, so I had no money for food or clothes for DCs. Plus DH had very picky food habits, always wanting meat with every meal, branded products only, you get the picture.
So I used his debit card to buy food online. Couple of weeks later I did this again, but the card was refused. I thought it was because there was not enough money in the account to cover the payment, but found this was not so. DH had in fact cancelled the card to stop me using it!
For me that was the final straw; that he was prepared to see his DCs go without food. I even had to borrow money off my retired mum just to buy some essentials like bread and milk.
Sorry, for rambling, but wanted to give the full picture.
Anyway, seperated and now 'our' friends have started to berate me for my decision, accusing me of overreacting and to go back to him as I am not being fair on him or the DCs. Even some family members have put their views in too, and I am truly starting to question myself now.
Have I overeacted, am I being unfair to the DCs, I really can't seem to see this straight atm.
Advice would be aprecciated.

OP posts:
MadamTwoSwords · 16/05/2012 11:04

To be blunt, tell everyone exactly what happened, that he would not "allow" you to buy food for your DC if they should be berating anyone it should be him. If they are not prepared to do this tell them to butt out.

You have done the absolute right thing and your ExH is an arse of the highest order.

bakingaddict · 16/05/2012 11:04

I cant quite work out what TC is...I must have baby brain. Anyway my point is that any man who actively stops his wife from buying food for the kids by putting a block on the credit card is an absolute shit. From what you've said he doesn't really seem like father material, if he doesn't want to do anything with you and the kids of a weekend then he doesn't deserve to have a family around him.

I know some people will say that he works all week and needs his downtime but that's rubbish when you've got 3 young DC's. You should be having nice family days out as they will be teenagers in the blink of an eye and wont want to be seen dead on a day out with mum and dad

solidgoldbrass · 16/05/2012 11:10

Just tell everyone that he wouldn't do any childcare, forbade you to work and refused to let you buy food for the children. And that if he says different he's lying. You have done absolutely the right thing in getting rid of this selfish prick who will now have to give you money towards the children's support.

Mama1980 · 16/05/2012 11:12

You have absolutely done the right thing. Be blunt tell them what a total shit he has been. Stick to your guns he sounds awful.

HandMadeTail · 16/05/2012 11:15

I'm sure you didn't decide to separate on a whim. The number of women on MN who seem to stick to a relationship where they are the only one making an effort is huge!

You separated for good reasons. It's sad for your family and friends that that has happened, but surely it affects you and your DCs far more than them.

People often give this advice on MN. "if you saw someone treating your DCs like your H was treating you, what would you want to say to them"

If his treatment of your DCs is unacceptable, then why should you put up with it for you?

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing.

OrmIrian · 16/05/2012 11:21

How did he expect you to feed the kids? Shock

bjf1 · 16/05/2012 13:17

Thank goodness for wise words! I really was starting to think I had done the wrong thing.
When I look back on it with a clear head I realise that my situation now is a lot better than it was with him. Yes I am relying on benefits atm but at least I know the DCs will not starve and they actually quite like vegetarian meals now too.
Just think I needed to hear it from someone on the outside. As for telling everyone what he was like to live with......they wouldn't believe me anyway as he comes over as a pillar of society, so it's a waste of time really.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 16/05/2012 13:57

You could tell your stupid acquaintances that an awful lot of men who act like 'pillars of society' are abusive partners, because it's true. And add that you are the one who had to live with him, and that you were not prepared to put up with his selfishness and cruelty any more, and that you do not want to hear any more criticism of your actions from them.
If they don't like it, sod 'em, they're morons.

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 14:02

Hell no!

He cut you off with no money? And refused to allow you to get a job because he would have to actually do some parenting?

What a control freak arsewank he is. Glad you've left him - best thing.

Twiggy71 · 16/05/2012 19:23

Your well. rid of him he was living like a single person anyhow in a house with his p and dc. At least now you don't have an extra person to clean up after.
And as for the others who thought you were wrong to separate how do they know what it was like have they ever walked in your shoes and lived your life. Tell them to "sod off" and mind their own business they didn't have to put up with the waste of did..

NotaDisneyMum · 16/05/2012 19:34

You don't need to justify your decision to anyone.

If friends and family believe you would end your marriage on a whim and over-react in that way, then you are better off without them around you right now.

My parents criticised and judged every decision I made when my marriage ended - of course, they were basing their opinion on my exH daily ranting to them and believing every word but felt it was their place to argue his cause to me Hmm

Three years on and I'm happier than I've ever been, but my parents are no longer a part of my life - they will be guests of honour at exH wedding later this year!

Stick to your principles and ignore anyone who claims to be supporting you but who doesn't have confidence in you.

Thumbwitch · 17/05/2012 07:54

I always find it really upsetting and actually quite disturbing that some parents would rather "side" with an ex than their own child, when their child is the one who has been done wrong by. It's Very Wrong.
(In cases where the child is the wrongdoer, I'm not so disturbed by it, however)

NotaDisneyMum · 17/05/2012 09:32

I always find it really upsetting and actually quite disturbing that some parents would rather "side" with an ex than their own child, when their child is the one who has been done wrong by. It's Very Wrong. (In cases where the child is the wrongdoer, I'm not so disturbed by it, however)

To spout a trite phrase - there are two sides to every story though. I was unhappy and ended my marriage after failing to fix it, and my ex is convinced it was "all my fault" - it was only when we separated that I discovered his gambling and porn habit; he claims that because I didn't know about it, it didn't damage the marriage Hmm

A friend of mine put it much more eloquently, though. she said it shouldn't matter if you f*cked the local rugby team on the bonnet of his car outside his office window, you are their daughter, and parents support their children, even when they have made mistakes. I tend to agree with her - I hope that no matter what DD does, and whether or not I agree with her choices and decisions, I would put my relationship with her before anyone else.

Thumbwitch · 17/05/2012 12:50

Up to a point, NotaDisney, I agree with you - but in the case where (ok, so far it's always been a son with the people I know but that doesn't exclude a daughter) the son has done the dirty on his wife and children, fucked off and left them penniless, or has been abusive and violent - then I'd rather hope the son's parents would support their son's family over their son.

antrimum · 17/05/2012 19:09

You were absolutely right to leave your H... I'm on the brink of separation myself and for pretty much the same reasons, no support with our DS, no contributions to the house, groceries, diesel for the car to take him to work (as he doesn't drive). He spends plenty of money in the pub however and still has the spare cash to take himself off to football matches and usually ends up skint 2 wks after payday and sponging off me - like I have the money to give him as well as providing for all 3 of us... Oh, and don't get me started on the interaction thing, mine does sod all at nights, in fact sleeping in bed after a 'hard day at work' (he sits at a desk all day) as we speak, while I've played with our DS, bathed him, got his jammies on and given him his dinner!

Just right, and well done you for making the right decision for your DCs. Their upbringing should never be compromised because your ex thought it would be best if he spent his time on the golf course or playing football and withholding money so you could feed them (as he clearly isn't willing to do!)

Tell all the nosey planks who are commenting on your marriage to piss off and be happy bringing up your DCs, in time to come when he decides he wants to spend time with them, they will remember who brought them up and FED THEM!!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.