Access Issues

[Flora2012]

Hi there, I'm new to this but feel i could do with a bit of sensible and hopefully reassuring advice. Have a child of 8 and been split from dad since she was 3. Since she started school she has always gone to dad everyother weekend plus a Monday night. He also has half the holidays. He always wanted a more 50/50 type access ie one week with him and one week with me. We bashed out the present agreement though mediation and has remained fairly ok (apart from the odd haggle for dates in holidays). Recently we had a bit of a battle over a day that clashed now he got the hump and is saying that he does not see enough of his daughter and wants to push for a 50/50 arrangement. He is very involved with her school as a volunter reader and on the PTA and says they will back him all the way as they are pro 50/50 arrangements. I am not able to be involved in the school because I work to support myself and my daughter. The whole thing has unerved me because I dont think it would be a good thing for my daughter to be at one house one week and then have to adapt to different life the next. Sorry to have babbled on. These things are so complicated. Advice anyone?

What are your concerns specifically? Is life at Dad's house massively different to life with you? Has DD voiced any concerns/shown any reluctance to being with Dad? I know a number of people who have similar arrangements without any noticeable negative impact on the kids but they do get on well (ish - gritted teeth sometimes) in most cases. Is distance an issue?

DD is equally very happy with us both. She says she misses me when not with me. Yes life is very different. She allowed to be up later(she always very tired when comes back) and values are different. Distance not an issue he lives 5 mile away. The main issue is that she not able to see her friends on a regular basis. DD appears quite happy with current arrangement and I make the most of what we have. Keep myself busy when she not around. Just him suddenly wanting to change the goal posts because he never been happy with the arrangement.

If it's only 5 miles away why can't she see her friends?

If he has never been happy then he isn't 'suddenly' trying to change the goalposts, exactly. What is appropriate for a child of 3 is not necessarily what is best for a child of 8...if mediation worked before, could you give that another go?

I know what you mean about the late nights but I've found that happens most often when contact is limited - if you only see your child 2 or 3 nights a fortnight you tend to want to spend every minute with them, rather than prioritising sleep. Not saying that's right or wrong, just understandable, and having more involvement with the more normal day-to-day parenting leads to better bedtime routines because then the impact of the lack of sleep is more obvious.

Are the values an issue, or is it more about you not wanting to be apart from your LO for a whole week?

Maybe seek legal advice - you should get a free half hour at any solicitor's. I think you need to be really clear about how/ why the current situation suits your dd, and why changing things might be difficult for her. Have you talked to your dd about it?
As far as I know - a school wouldn't say they are "pro 50/50 access arrangements", because every child and situation is different - and most schools treat children as individuals. - So what works for one might not work for another.Could you speak to the school about it - and tell them that he has said they will back him and you'd like to discuss this. I think you'll find they haven't quite said this!
Personally I think 1 week off/ 1 week on could be quite stressful, especially if the parenting style and routine is very different.