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About to make life changing decision

27 replies

Wakemeupwhenitsover · 09/04/2012 20:32

I plan to tell DH this week that I want a divorce. I've not been happy for ages (he knows; largely caused by his behaviour) however I am just so tempted not to say anything, the latest fall-out will blow over and we will carry on as normal until the next time. That's what I always do. But I know deep down I need to leave. It is really hard though.

How did others take the first steps?

OP posts:
BryterLayter · 23/05/2012 23:36

Hi PullUp, not my thread but I think you're welcome to hover - I have done for a long time on various threads - sometimes it just gives a bit of perspective on your own situation.
My DH's parents had died before I met him : FIL when DH 13 & MIL, DH 18.
I think I thought, poor guy, he obviously has problems & issues - I can help him/fix him Confused

My DCs are much older; 23,22 &14. Excuse my presumptions.. but I think when you marry young there is a real danger that you do suddenly look around & think "is this it?".

Did the couples counselling go anywhere forward? Is your DH aware of your feelings?

Very familiar picture you paint re DH being self contained/isolated - meaning you find fun & socialising outside the relationship, but you are not free to have a 'relationship' in the fulfilling sense.
My Dh seemed to want me to not have an independent life, but to be there 'on hand' in case he wanted company, but only ever on his terms.
As you can see I didn't "fix him" Sad Ultimately everyone can only fix themselves & I think women often adopt the carer, counsellor, support roles in the hope it will al be worth it in the end. Sometimes I worry that I have just enabled him to not deal with his real issues by sticking by him throughout it all... Hmm

reluctantmpvdriver · 25/05/2012 10:21

In the last week have had very long discussion x 2 with H and I don't feel anything has moved forward since we had similar discussions a year ago. He just wants to carry on as before with same mad cap ideas about getting himself out of the hole he is in career wise (he is not working).

He will not move out on temporary basis (I suggested he go and we arrange that he sees kids v regularly and maybe comes back for weekends). I do understand that it is harsh to say he has to go but I need the head space and I look after the DCs. He sees it as a way for me to try out divorce - so making it easier to divorce when the time comes. There is some truth in this but also feel that if I don't get the space then the only way to get it is to divorce. Catch -22

Bryter - how did your mediation go? Do you really have to sell the house or is there a chance you can keep it? Maybe you don't want to keep it. I would rather sell ours and start afresh but would still need similar sized house in similar area and would lose a lot of money on costs and stamp duty so seems crazy to move. It may be the only way however that I can pay him out.

Overtherainbow - does your DH recognise the problems? What do you want him to change? Is it something that he is capable of changing and and have you asked clearly for change?

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