access arrangements

[scottishlassy]

meeting DH for crisis talks tomorrow and want to have my head straight on a few things as a proper trial seperation may follow.

we have one DD who is 3. I envisage she and I staying in our current house. What about access for DH? I don't want to stop them seeing each other, but want it to be pre-agreed so we all know where we stand, there is little room for let down and that DH (actually all of us) gets a 'taste' of what a more permanent situation would bring.

how do people decide this type of thing? are there guidelines or is there a 'norm'?

Sorry you are going through this. Hope you are doing ok.

I would encourage your DH to consider parenting your DD as much as he can, because that would be good for your DD, and because you will otherwise find yourself doing it all, for years and years (unless there are good reasons why not). Think of the long-term. Think about work; when you might want or need to visit relatives; need to go into hospital; change jobs; etc. Think of yourself, as you are a major resource for your DD in months and years to come.

This is about parenting, not access.

I do agree.

Part of the reason behind our split is the lack of 'parenting' he does.

If we are to not be living in the same house, I don't want him coming and going as he pleases.

One of my bugbears with my STBXH was the lack of parenting, in fact the song man-child was written about him. So far he has come once to see the (very young) kids and saw them at home while I was pottering around. It was not comfortable. He arrived 2 hours later than expected, with weak reasons (usual behaviour). He spread his things everywhere, let them put stickers on the wall, let them raid the kitchen for biscuits after they were ready for bed. Put them to bed 2 hours later than they need, with shoes on. Interacted very little with them, preferring to watch DVDs. Refused to take any responsibility for talking to them about the split, in fact said the opposite of the facts/what I have said. Not comfortable. But. He is their father. I don't want him having them overnight as he is an alcoholic. And in this way, for now, I have some control until I can put in very strong boundaries about visits and phone calls (timing, frequency and planning of). The children are too young to be independent in anyway, so my job.

So would love to hear other people's experiences and how they did it.

I did however, remove his key from him. He looked shocked. But that was a strong signal to him that he does not live here anymore, because of his actions.

I am just so lucky to have them at home with me, 100% of the time, I can look after them, be their mother and father and am beginning to enjoy being woken up at 6 am with little kisses from two little faces. He is thrilled to have a no-responsibility life with a bag full of condoms. And I feel so sad for him. I really don't understand his choices.

Depends on how close you are... Some people do every other weekends, and Wed night nights type thing... Mother's Day with you... Father's Day weekend with him...

We do every other weekend...every other FULL Christmas, 2 weeks in the summer (on top of his every other weekend) and he gets the kids for spring break.

Our children are 6 & 8...

I prefer Christmas' like we have now (Xh finally agreed to it!!!) as when I dealt with stepson, he hated just opening his gifts and barely having enough time to play with them before he was shipped off to other parent.... Wasn't fair to HIM. Then one year my Xh, did "Santa" and one year we do Santa. NO, Santa does not come to both homes...period.