Advice on where to start re: separation

[confusedcarrion]

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Firstly, I have name changed for this post as dh knows my usual nickname.

I really don't know where to start so will just blurt. Sorry if this is long and rambling, but I have been burying my head for so long that it is hard to be honest with myself, let alone you lot too!

I have reached the end with my husband, I cannot live with him and his negativity any more

He has been treated for depression ever since we met (8 years ago) but I am slowly coming to realise that I don't even believe he is depressed, I think he is an emotionally abusive arse

I am totally at sea, we have two children (5 and 3 years old) together and he treats my 11 year old dd as one of his own.

We had a minor 'discussion' a couple of days ago when I mentioned that I was unhappy about something he had said/done and he totally lost the plot, accused me of constant criticism/having a go, slated my family, blamed me for things that just aren't my fault and told me to stfu etc, and I think his reaction was completely over the top considering the subject we were discussing. we haven't spoken since other than polite necessities (I am pretending he is a lodger that I am civil to...)

I realise that the failure of our marriage is not all down to him, and I hold my hands up to my own wrongdoings, but I am not prepared to live like this anymore. I feel as though he sucks every last bit of joy out of my life, and I do not want our children to think that ours is a healthy relationship model to follow.

I have tried numerous times in the past to get him to seek help, but he doesn't see that how he is is a problem, as he says he has always been like this, there is no problem... but for me there is, it is badly affecting my own self-esteem, self-worth, happiness and killing my ability to enjoy my children and my life.

Sorry for the epic post, but I have no idea where or how to start the painful process of disentangling our lives. Please advise.

Hi confused. I'm in the process of separating (instigated by me) and I know how hard it is so I really feel for you. It's also difficult to know where to start because it's all so new and you can't always turn to family and friends for help. I found i had to be very careful who I told as people will try and talk you out of it or their own stuff creeps in and you don't get good objective advice. Also other people's emotions can blur what you are trying to do - they are more concerned about how this affects them than you. Have you tried couple counselling? This might help get things out in the open and see if there if your relationship is worth salvaging. If you are beyond this, the first thing to do is to check out resolution.org.uk and go and get some advice (free if possible) in your area about what to do. Mediation is the better and cheaper way of doing things as a solicitor can cost a bomb and puts you in the battlefield as you go to war with your ex. I was advised to see a solicitor first to know the facts in advance. You might even be eligible for free advice if you don't earn under a certain amount (sorry not sure what this is). Seeing someone legal makes it very real so may make you change your mind or decide you want to proceed. It's an arduous and emotional roller-coaster - lots of feelings will come up but you just have to ride them out and know that if you really believe you will be better without your husband, you will be happier and freer at the end of it all. Good luck and deep breaths.

Hi lowprofiler, thanks for your reply.

Believe it or not this is the second time I have faced divorce I really know how to pick them don't I?

Last time it was so much more clear cut, he was a grade 10 arse and there was no question of what I should do.

This time though I really loved dh (I don't know how I feel anymore, he has bled me dry of feelings), and I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives and I could make him happy (yes, I know...) but nothing ever makes him happy, he is the most negative person I have ever met, and to top it off he has a huge chip on his shoulder, which is obvious to everyone except him

As far as I can tell, as I am never sure if he has ever been honest with himself let alone me, he trusts no-one, nothing is ever his fault, he expects everyone to 'do him wrong' and is extremely self-centred, even when it comes to the kids

I have made him sound terrible, he does have a helpful, caring side but I see that less and less as time goes by. He would also say it was me with the problem, he told me at the weekend that 'I am a control freak, who is always having a go at him, is never happy with what he does and he hates being married'

I think I am going to explore all my options and then decide what I want to do. I have found a couple of useful sites CAB and MoneyExpert I think it was called today and had a read, and have checked my benefit entitlement on Entitledto, but am just so so sad that I am going to have to tell the kids if we split up, whatever will my 11 year old dd think of men after going through this before with her dad and now facing it again?

I have heard that it is a bad idea to go to couples counselling with an abusive partner so not sure if that would be an option, even if I were able to persuade him (he 'doesn't do' talking to strangers apparently ).

I hope it's all going as smoothly as possible for you, and that you do have someone in RL to talk to.

Don't beat yourself up. I think the key thing is not to worry about your children as if you're happy they will be happy. Also you want to give them the right message that love is about being HAPPY and not miserable with someone. Life is too short and I think you just to read some of the posts on MN to see there are lots of disillusioned women trapped in marriages they don't know how to get out of or don't dare to. We all try it and not every marriage works out. It's the most difficult thing I've been through and I wouldn't want to do it again but I now admire all the women who do. It takes courage and bravery to want to change your life and if it's for the better, go for it.

Hi confused, I too think counselling with an abusive h is very bad news as they use anything said in counselling sessions to batter you with at home. If you are really unlucky they get the counsellor on side to their cause and you get another knock. If you've been constantly criticised and let down your confidence and esteem are rock bottom anyway without further kickings.

My advice is start with the practical stuff - money, housing, jobs/benefits schools etc. See how all that would pan out on your own. Once you can envision it working on a practical level then you can tackle how you feel and whether it's time to start a new, better life. Try not to let anxieties take over and get magnified.

Re the Dcs, it's very hard short-term coping if they miss their dad, but at the risk of cliche they do adjust very fast. If you can get a regular, concrete access plan in place to give them certainty that will help. Rope in GPs if they are good for some extra support for your DCs. At their ages I bet they will adapt very easily. Your older DD will probably need more time listening/talking to. HTH

Thanks pickgo I'm doing all the practical stuff re finances etc, have found out that I'd probably be about £35 a week better off if I was single! And I currently manage all the household bills, so I know how much they are, my food bill would drop quite a bit too!
Feelings wise, I don't know how I feel, I think I'd feel sad and lonely if he wasn't here but I'm already sad and lonely with him here

Hi - do read my post in this forum 'how to tell my DH I want a divorce' - there are a couple of books there that I recommend that are really helping me . It's a really tough thing this. My DH is also suffering from mental health issues - I think that this increases your guilt - which is bad enough - especially if you instigate. I do think that he uses the mh issues as an excuse for not taking responsibility however and a split may make him better in the long run as for the first time in his life he will have to stand on his own two feet!.

Keep writing - it helps to crystallise your feelings.

Another one who has just separated from her husband, because of alcoholism and depression. I found that even with therapy, pills etc. He, to be honest, had no incentive to become a fully functioning adult in our household. I spent a long time thinking that I was being cruel to him for wanting out of the relationship and away from his mental health issues, but have realised I was punishing myself by taking on his issues. He didn't change, I was his emotional punchbag, he started getting more angry and aggressive, and the lying and treating me with absolutely no respect... and I spent years living in hell for no reason. He had a relationship with alcohol and with himself, and used depression as an excuse. And yes he could be 'charming/caring' but that is not enough. It was enough to keep me in the mess for too long though, because I thought he might change.

What I did to start disentangling our lives, I told him to leave. He left. I got support from close friends and family. I then got support from everyone else once he announced on facebook that he was now single and looking for women (two days after he left). I talked to a solicitor about divorce options. I rang the tax credit people. I rang the income support people. I went into housing benefit and talked to them. I went into CAB and got an appointment. I made a decision about the near future (to stay put for the rest of the school term) and the medium future (to move nearer my family). One step at a time, baby steps.

I got the house keys from him, as he came back while I was away over Easter so he didn't need to stay with his parents. I stopped being at his bec and call and have started putting down the boundaries I should have done years ago. I am so angry at myself for allowing myself to have reached the position where I have to beg for help, and I have learned many hard lessons I won't forget about remaining self-sustained and not husband-pleasing (even if depressed) when it goes against my own inner voice. He got away with "but I need (insert... ipads, holidays on own, expensive car on loan, move job, house, not to see people, lie ins, not to do anything at home or with the children, to spend lots of time in the pub etc) because I am depressed" for so long, and financially I am not in a good place because of it. He however, has a good salary, has taken all the condoms from the house, and would only like to have a superficial - no responsibility relationship with the children, because "they get in the way of him achieving his dreams".

And I feel so very sorry for him. I have freedom and I am feeling fantastic. It is a big weight lifted off me and I can see a future for myself and my babies. Who I love. And I can now put in a better place.

Well done daffydowndilly - you have been so fantastically strong to get out of the mire. I am so glad that you are feeling so good. It gives such encouragement to me and others - who are still stuck .

Hearing everyone's stories does give hope. I'm always inclined to believe that its all my fault as I get told it so often. The similarities in the bullying and constant criticism (not to mention the drinking) give me strength to deal with it and insist on a bit of respect. I told him tonight its stalemate as he thinks I'm a horrible person who will not be disagreed with whereas I think he's a bully who alternates between shouting and silence. He just said 'you're right, I'm very unhappy, I'll go'. So sad, I know its manipulation but he's always relied on me to make everything OK and I do feel like I'm letting him down :-(

Hi, my son and his wife have separated. ( his fault )
The house is in her name but he has paid half the mortgage for 7 years. He wants her to keep the house and she will not claim any of his pension.
They have agreed when he will have the children and how much he will pay her.
She wants to see a solicitor to make it legal but they don't have the money.
I wondered if anyone knew of a way to do this without going to a solicitor, court or a cheaper way.
Thanks